DEAR MISS MANNERS: Several of my co-workers were recently laid off. Some of them are finishing up a few things for a week or two before they leave, and others left the same day.

What do you say to an acquaintance who was just laid off? It's a painful time for them, and I want to say "I'm sorry" or "Are there things I can do to help?" but I don't want to come across as pitying them, or as saying "Ha-ha -- I'm still here, and you're not, sucks to be you!"

I feel awful for these long-term co-workers, but I'm not a close enough friend to actually know what they would need or appreciate. I also feel guilty about still having my job, but this isn't a time to whine about me, it's a time to reach out to them.

A card seems stupid and pointless. A nonconversation sounds awkward and awful. Ignoring it seems worse. A gift certificate or some such seems to assume that they are in dire financial straits.

GENTLE READER: What about taking each one to lunch, your treat, and not bringing up the subject?

The gesture itself shows that you care, without any of the undertones that you fear. You will then be able to adjust your tone to the way each is handling it and offer practical help if it seems relevant. Miss Manners would consider this especially graceful if your invitation is made or repeated after they have left, to show that they are missed and not forgotten.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: There's this very good close friend of mine who will be due to have her baby soon. A couple of months ago, we discussed baby names. As I knew she's having a girl, I asked if they had yet to pick a name for the baby. She told me her list of girl names she really liked.

Since we were on the topic and she's a very good friend that I trust, I also shared with her an original girl name I really liked. I'm not pregnant at this time, nor do I know when we'll be ready for a second child, much less guarantee that I'll have another girl. But it is a girl name I had kept to myself until then.

So we went out for supper and I asked her if they finally decided on a name. She still had her little list, but one of the names had changed to the one I had shared with her.

I immediately confronted her about it, but she brushed me off by saying she had heard the name only a couple of weeks ago from someone else.

I was furious, and it ruined the rest of my night with my girlfriends. I couldn't believe she would betray my trust. I want to know if I'm overreacting. And should I confront her with this?

GENTLE READER: Your friend may well have heard the name again from someone else. And if she uses it, she may find that half the girls in her daughter's kindergarten class, whose parents neither of you knows, have the same name.

How this happens is a mystery to Miss Manners, but she has noticed, over the years, how a name that seemed highly original when bestowed suddenly becomes the fad of the year.

So while you are indeed overreacting, it may be just as well that you cannot keep dibs on names. If and when you had occasion to use it, you could well be heartily sick of it.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A group with whom I was hiking in Peru passed close to a woman and a boy working the land on a picturesque hillside. Each of my fellow tourists photographed them as they walked by. The people at work did not visibly react.

In the towns, one sees local country people who come in their traditional clothing, with their animals, solely to make money posing for photographs, which is perhaps why the farmer photographs made me uncomfortable. It seemed to me that the people should have been offered payment for their participation, or at least asked permission.

I didn't do anything, but the interaction seemed a bit insulting to the people at work, treating them as part of the scenery. Should I have apologized to them or offered them some payment? I did not know the other people on the tour, although that would not have been obvious to an observer.

GENTLE READER: You are to be commended on your ability to distinguish human beings from scenery.

Miss Manners means that sincerely. As you noticed, an amazing number of people are unable to make this leap.

Nor is the problem confined to photographing picturesque foreigners. Since cameras became almost standard equipment on telephones, strangers, friends and relatives all find themselves the unauthorized subjects of photographs, often posted on the Internet for all the world to see.

The universal rule is that you must ask people's permission before photographing them. And anyone contemplating saying yes would be wise to ask what use will be made of the pictures.

So unless the Peruvians were shown as merely small figures in a landscape, your fellow tourists were at best callous.

However commendable your desire to correct this, you must be cautious about your own manners. It is now hard for Americans to imagine that being offered money could be construed as an insult, but in the America of a century ago, it was, and there are places where dignity is still considered more important. Tipping is not as ingrained a custom in Peru as here, and the fact that some Peruvians work as models does not mean that all do.

Had your companions asked in advance, they would have given their subjects the chance to say that they charged. After the fact, you could have provided the opening by saying, "Thank you, I hope we didn't disturb you."

Choking on the "we," when you dearly hoped to disassociate yourself from the group? It's to protect you from yet another rudeness, that of chastising them before others. Sorry.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a niece that addresses all mail Mr. and Mrs. Smith. She never includes the first name of anyone. We feel this is disrespectful.

GENTLE READER: Well, no. Miss Manners begs you not to find imaginary insults in someone who is first of all, writing to you, and second, using honorifics. Both habits have become rare.

Traditionally, omitting the first names like that indicates that you are THE Smiths -- the heads of the family or its most distinguished members. See if you can find an insult in that.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: We received the following request from a young, college-educated couple (one is an attorney): "... would you prayerfully consider giving a one-time financial gift to help with the arrival of our new baby?"

We do not want to help them raise their new baby. Do we respond in any way, or do we ignore the request? I am excited only because I am certain this is the biggest faux pas of this century.

GENTLE READER: Possibly, but there is a lot of competition, now that self-supporting people have entered the pitiful world of begging.

As with all charitable solicitations, you may ignore this. However, since this comes from acquaintances, Miss Manners would also permit you to express compassion that this young couple is destitute at such an important time in their lives, and to suggest social services that may be prepared to help.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: So my girlfriends and I are in debate as to the order we should wear our left-hand rings. The engagement, wedding and anniversary/eternity rings -- which comes first, and in which order should they be?

Some swear the wedding band goes first. Others say the engagement ring is first to be close to their hearts. Some think the anniversary ring comes last because that's the order it was received. Others say the eternity ring should be on a different finger altogether.

Please help! While having three nice rings from one's husband is hardly a hardship, the debate is starting to put a strain on our friendships.

GENTLE READER: Much as she hates to derail such an emotional melee, Miss Manners has to admit that tradition forgot to care about the order in which the rings were received. It puts the wedding ring closest to the palm (which she supposes eventually leads to the heart) and the engagement ring next, with that delightful but recent innovation, the anniversary ring, wherever it looks best.

Anyway, shouldn't the sentiment attached to each increase with the length of the bond it symbolizes?

Oops, now you've drawn Miss Manners into this. If you want your engagement ring to be closer to your heart, you need only go around pointing to your chest.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister and her daughter (26 and 6) were in a tight situation with her boyfriend and had to leave the area running. They moved in with the thought that it will only be a couple weeks. Four months later, she still has not paid any rent, does minimal if any chores around the house and has me babysit so she can work. The line between being nice and being used has been crossed, but I do not know how to confront her. What is the etiquette to kicking family out?

GENTLE READER: One does not kick out family members. Miss Manners prefers showing sympathy with their position, saying, for example, "It has been wonderful having you here, and we were glad to be of help to you when you needed it. But I'm sure you want your own place now so that both you and we can regain our privacy."

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