DEAR MISS MANNERS: Over the past few years I, along with many other people, have tried to do simple things to live a more ecological lifestyle, like reducing my use of disposable and plastic products. One area that continues to frustrate me is restaurant dining.

I view it as wasteful to take my leftovers home in a container that frequently cannot be used again or is of limited usefulness. In addition, many restaurants insist on wrapping the container in a paper or plastic bag, which, of course I can reuse but would prefer not to take.

My idea would be to take along a clean container inside a clean brown bag with string handles and discreetly hand it to the server along with my half-finished plate.

Perhaps a restaurant would view this as nonsanitary, but it seems more sanitary to me than menus which servers pass around between people without regard as to who has washed their hands and who hasn't.

Unfortunately, I tried this strategy without checking with you first and was lambasted by my dining companion, who described me as socially inappropriate. He says that he questions whether our values are really that similar.

Is he right or am I? Note, I would not do this in a very fancy restaurant or at a business meal, which means perhaps I should have not tried it in front of a special friend.

GENTLE READER: Here is a radical idea in keeping with your concern about waste, which Miss Manners shares, and your friend's objection, which she shares only to a point:

Why don't you learn to order the amount of food you expect to eat?

Yes, yes, Miss Manners knows about oversized restaurant portions, diets, sudden satiation and whatever else may thwart such an attempt. But you don't seem to be trying. And yet your admission that you would not bring your feedbag to a fancy restaurant or a business meal indicates that you have qualms about its being seemly.

You could call restaurants beforehand to inquire whether they would allow you to order appetizer-sized versions of their main courses. You could order only appetizers. You could ask dinner companions whether they would like to split a course. You could find restaurants that offer tasting menus. You could buy take-out and portion the food at home as you like. And so on.

Restaurants are, after all, dependent on pleasing their customers, and since you like to go out for half a meal, it would be worth your trouble to find those that are willing to cooperate with you.

Yes, there would still be the exceptional occasion when you found you had ordered more than you could eat. In a food court, you could sweep it into your own bag and no one would care. In a restaurant, you could respond to a waiter's offer to wrap your leftovers by saying, "Thank you," and asking if he could please use your container.

Surprised that Miss Manners came back to the private container, after all? How the food is wrapped does not interest her so much as how the question of taking it home is handled. You must promise her to behave as if the possibility of another meal from this comes as a pleasant bonus, not as if you had schemed to stock your larder.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm one of two employees at a lovely local boutique that has, unfortunately, become a victim of our soured economy. We have officially been going out of business -- hideous yellow signs and all -- for just over two weeks now.

While we appreciate that customers routinely express their condolences, we have already dealt with the emotional side and moved on. It seems that many customers are dismayed or confused when we don't echo their pouty faces or saddened shrugs.

We don't want to seem ungrateful for their well-wishes, nor do we want to look cold and uncaring. But we also don't wish to put on a dramatic show for every third visitor to the store. What should we say?

A surprising number of people ask us each what we'll do when the store closes. These are not regular customers with whom we've grown close, and often are people who are only just visiting the store for the first time, so it feels particularly intrusive.

The simple answer is, we're both doing what many people across the entire country are doing -- searching frantically for new employment. I understand that the question isn't meant to be patronizing or rude, but it feels that way.

Am I wrong in feeling that this is an inappropriate, overly personal question? And what is the best way for us -- and the many who are in our same predicament -- to address it?

GENTLE READER: Rule one when you are frantically searching for new employment: Do not brush off sympathetic people.

You should not be doing this anyway. Simple courtesy requires that you accept kindly intended remarks, however often you have heard them. Miss Manners hardly thinks it would require "a dramatic show" to thank people and say that you, too, regret the closing.

As for what to say when asked what you are doing next -- Miss Manners would consider that a legitimate reply would be, "I'm looking. If you hear of anything, please let me know."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This woman, let's call her Annette, married a divorced man who had a married daughter with two children. She insists that her husband's daughter is her daughter-in-law, her husband's son-in-law is her son-in-law and their two children are her grandchildren.

Not so fast, Annette. I don't believe they are "any" relation, but possibly she could call them "step" daughter-in-law, and simply continue to use the word "step" to make them some sort of a relation. Please, is she "any" relation to her husband's relations?

GENTLE READER: You wouldn't happen to be the husband's former wife, would you? It was the quotation marks around "any" that tipped off Miss Manners.

If this is correct, let her assure you that the stepmother's nomenclature does not affect your position as mother, mother-in-law and grandmother. She is related to these people by marriage, even if you are both mistaken about applying the "in-law" part to her husband's daughter. No one should be following her around making sure she gets that "step" part in.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When entering a formal gathering in a procession, is the lady on the left or the right of the gentleman?

GENTLE READER: A lady is at the right of a gentleman except, Miss Manners notes, when the lady is in the very act of marrying him. She stands at his left during the ceremony so that she can take his right arm when they turn around and thus begin married life correctly.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am single, in my mid-30s and have a large social circle of friends, many also single or without children. Two of them have discovered they were unexpectedly going to have a baby, and I just received an e-mail invite to a football/diaper party from the father to be.

This was sent to almost 100 people, men and women, some from out of town and many that I would, at best, describe as acquaintances. In the invite, he acknowledges that some people may not even know they are having a baby (or know the girlfriend, for that matter).

The father-to-be states that he will provide beer and food and that the only thing guests need to bring are some diapers and/or wipes to help out with the baby. He then goes so far as to include a checklist of diaper sizes and closes by telling guests to forward the invite to anyone they may have missed.

Have I just entered the twilight zone? You do not invite people to a football party and then require them to supply diapers for your impending child -- I'll bring my own beer instead. He makes twice as much money as me (and I do quite well) and is in no way needy.

I also assume that an official baby shower will be forthcoming, something else requiring a gift and something generally thrown by someone other than the parent and reserved for female guests who are relatives or close personal friends of the mother-to-be.

Am I mistaken here? Have things really changed so much that this kind of invite is acceptable? I am embarrassed for them and question whether I even want to attend because I am so put off by this request. If I so choose to offer a baby gift at any time, it will be at my discretion and not as an entrance fee to watch a football game with my friends. I am at a loss.

GENTLE READER: Yes, things have changed; no, it is not acceptable; and yes, you are mistaken, because things are even worse than you think.

Nowadays it is only too likely that a mother-to-be will demand a shower or be given one by her relatives, that the invitations will go to everyone she and they have ever met, whether in town or not, and that guests will be told exactly what she wants them to buy to furnish the nursery and layette. By comparison, diapers are a bargain.

And thus what was once a sweet and playful little gathering of close friends has grown into a monstrous imposition. Why so-called guests go along with any of this, Miss Manners cannot imagine.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend I see a few times a month insists on telling me that I look "tired" whenever she sees me.

It may be that I am tired on occasion, but even so, the comment irritates me. I'm in good health, and she has no reason to be concerned for my well-being. I realize this isn't a big deal in the scheme of things, but can you suggest a response for me the next time she tells me how tired I look?

GENTLE READER: "How strange -- I was fine until you said that."

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