DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm one of two employees at a lovely local boutique that has, unfortunately, become a victim of our soured economy. We have officially been going out of business -- hideous yellow signs and all -- for just over two weeks now.

While we appreciate that customers routinely express their condolences, we have already dealt with the emotional side and moved on. It seems that many customers are dismayed or confused when we don't echo their pouty faces or saddened shrugs.

We don't want to seem ungrateful for their well-wishes, nor do we want to look cold and uncaring. But we also don't wish to put on a dramatic show for every third visitor to the store. What should we say?

A surprising number of people ask us each what we'll do when the store closes. These are not regular customers with whom we've grown close, and often are people who are only just visiting the store for the first time, so it feels particularly intrusive.

The simple answer is, we're both doing what many people across the entire country are doing -- searching frantically for new employment. I understand that the question isn't meant to be patronizing or rude, but it feels that way.

Am I wrong in feeling that this is an inappropriate, overly personal question? And what is the best way for us -- and the many who are in our same predicament -- to address it?

GENTLE READER: Rule one when you are frantically searching for new employment: Do not brush off sympathetic people.

You should not be doing this anyway. Simple courtesy requires that you accept kindly intended remarks, however often you have heard them. Miss Manners hardly thinks it would require "a dramatic show" to thank people and say that you, too, regret the closing.

As for what to say when asked what you are doing next -- Miss Manners would consider that a legitimate reply would be, "I'm looking. If you hear of anything, please let me know."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This woman, let's call her Annette, married a divorced man who had a married daughter with two children. She insists that her husband's daughter is her daughter-in-law, her husband's son-in-law is her son-in-law and their two children are her grandchildren.

Not so fast, Annette. I don't believe they are "any" relation, but possibly she could call them "step" daughter-in-law, and simply continue to use the word "step" to make them some sort of a relation. Please, is she "any" relation to her husband's relations?

GENTLE READER: You wouldn't happen to be the husband's former wife, would you? It was the quotation marks around "any" that tipped off Miss Manners.

If this is correct, let her assure you that the stepmother's nomenclature does not affect your position as mother, mother-in-law and grandmother. She is related to these people by marriage, even if you are both mistaken about applying the "in-law" part to her husband's daughter. No one should be following her around making sure she gets that "step" part in.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When entering a formal gathering in a procession, is the lady on the left or the right of the gentleman?

GENTLE READER: A lady is at the right of a gentleman except, Miss Manners notes, when the lady is in the very act of marrying him. She stands at his left during the ceremony so that she can take his right arm when they turn around and thus begin married life correctly.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am single, in my mid-30s and have a large social circle of friends, many also single or without children. Two of them have discovered they were unexpectedly going to have a baby, and I just received an e-mail invite to a football/diaper party from the father to be.

This was sent to almost 100 people, men and women, some from out of town and many that I would, at best, describe as acquaintances. In the invite, he acknowledges that some people may not even know they are having a baby (or know the girlfriend, for that matter).

The father-to-be states that he will provide beer and food and that the only thing guests need to bring are some diapers and/or wipes to help out with the baby. He then goes so far as to include a checklist of diaper sizes and closes by telling guests to forward the invite to anyone they may have missed.

Have I just entered the twilight zone? You do not invite people to a football party and then require them to supply diapers for your impending child -- I'll bring my own beer instead. He makes twice as much money as me (and I do quite well) and is in no way needy.

I also assume that an official baby shower will be forthcoming, something else requiring a gift and something generally thrown by someone other than the parent and reserved for female guests who are relatives or close personal friends of the mother-to-be.

Am I mistaken here? Have things really changed so much that this kind of invite is acceptable? I am embarrassed for them and question whether I even want to attend because I am so put off by this request. If I so choose to offer a baby gift at any time, it will be at my discretion and not as an entrance fee to watch a football game with my friends. I am at a loss.

GENTLE READER: Yes, things have changed; no, it is not acceptable; and yes, you are mistaken, because things are even worse than you think.

Nowadays it is only too likely that a mother-to-be will demand a shower or be given one by her relatives, that the invitations will go to everyone she and they have ever met, whether in town or not, and that guests will be told exactly what she wants them to buy to furnish the nursery and layette. By comparison, diapers are a bargain.

And thus what was once a sweet and playful little gathering of close friends has grown into a monstrous imposition. Why so-called guests go along with any of this, Miss Manners cannot imagine.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend I see a few times a month insists on telling me that I look "tired" whenever she sees me.

It may be that I am tired on occasion, but even so, the comment irritates me. I'm in good health, and she has no reason to be concerned for my well-being. I realize this isn't a big deal in the scheme of things, but can you suggest a response for me the next time she tells me how tired I look?

GENTLE READER: "How strange -- I was fine until you said that."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Because my job is to embrace cultural differences, I try to keep an open mind -- especially when it comes to food. However, I had a host who was preparing a food I know very well (it was not exactly a specialty of the region I was touring) and asked if I like it, which I most certainly do not. Because she was already well into her preparations, I didn't want her to feel obligated to make me something different, so I panicked and said that I didn't know it, and only took a small portion at dinner, reacting neutrally to it. For the rest of the week, she continued to serve me this food.

What would have been the polite thing to say in order to avoid this uncomfortable situation?

GENTLE READER: Was she preparing it in a pot the size of an oil drum?

The first time you were stuck, Miss Manners agrees. Perhaps even the second time, because you could hardly have expected a second dose. But surely that was the time to say, "Please allow me to take you out to dinner tomorrow. I'd like to try some of the regional specialties."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work in a scheduling center for a large medical practice. We have a computer system that looks up patients by their last names and birthdays. After the computer searches, it gives me a list of results. I will typically ask ,"Is this (insert first name here)?"

However, sometimes the patient will have a first name that I cannot pronounce. Is it better to give it a try and attempt to say the name, or is it better to ask for their first name as well as the last? Some patients seem thrilled when I guess (especially if I get it right), but others just seem annoyed.

GENTLE READER: Why is this a problem? If you do not know how to pronounce their names, Miss Manners assures you that you are not on sufficiently intimate terms with them to address them by their first names.

Should you have trouble with a surname, you can add, after trying it, "Did I pronounce that right?" But Miss Manners forbids you to use that technique as an excuse to call patients by their first names.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to respond to someone who tells you they "love" you when you don't necessarily feel the same way about them?

I don't mean in a romantic situation. Recently, my father's wife has started telling me she loves me and ending phone calls that way. We don't see each other very often and haven't known each other very long. While we have a perfectly cordial relationship, I don't feel love for her.

My reply is usually an awkward, "It's been great to talk to you" or "take care." These conversation enders make me uncomfortable. I sense she's expecting reciprocation and is sad when it doesn't come. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but don't feel right professing love I don't feel.

GENTLE READER: You may be able to get away with am enthusiastically declared compliment, such as "You're wonderful."

In a romantic situation, the you're-such-a-nice-person approach translates as "Forget it." But Miss Manners is guessing that your stepmother is hoping merely for acceptance, which can be conveyed in other ways.

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