DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I leave the table during a meal, I place my napkin in the seat of my chair. I understood this was the correct thing to do. Why, I'm not sure. But I've always imagined it was to save my dinner partners the sight of my possibly dirty, definitely crumpled napkin.

Often, at a restaurant, the waiter will put my napkin folded and back at my place setting when I am gone. I'm pretty confident the waiter is not replacing my old napkin with a new, clean one because I've seen this situation happen to my husband's napkin when he left the table. Sometimes I see the tell-tale signs of salad dressing or whatnot that identifies the replaced napkin as my old one.

If the waiters are just putting my old napkin back, is it wrong? If you answer is in my favor, I'll have something to send the manager to let him know he needs to retrain his staff. If my assumption about the reasons behind this custom are correct, I'd guess it is wrong. And potentially gross.

GENTLE READER: Not half as gross as the reason people give for objecting to the correct method of leaving the napkin on the chair, as you did. Miss Manners will spare you what they insist is transferred from a seat chair to their mouths (what are they doing -- chewing their napkins?), but you can probably guess. However, you might be treated to this if you attempt to instruct the restaurant manager about how to train his staff.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is a PhD student at a large university. His department has had several social events that we have attended together that are held specifically for "community building" purposes, so that students and professors can socialize outside of the classroom and we new students (and spouses) may feel less alienated in our new community.

Some of the professors are very welcoming, but others are somewhat aloof. The problem is that when I see some of these people in public that I met at these events, they don't recognize me.

Some of these professors have been teaching for 20 years or more, and they have hundreds of students per semester. I'm sure that they are recognized all the time by people that they don't remember, and I don't really expect that they would recognize me. I wouldn't worry about running into more casual colleagues of my husband's, but this morning I ran into his adviser, to whom my husband is professionally closer. Should I reintroduce myself, which may result in an awkward exchange, or should I greet only the people who recognize me?

GENTLE READER: You should do your part at community building, whatever that is, by offering cheerful greetings to people whom you recognize. Most will have the sense merely to offer return greetings without letting on that they haven't the faintest idea who you are. They will have figured out that this is easier than trying to memorize the names and faces of students and their spouses every semester.

For longer encounters where identity might matter, Miss Manners considers it polite to spare them. Saying "I'm Emmeline Tortle; my husband Rocky is so pleased to have you as an adviser" will enable an astute professor to say "Yes, yes, of course."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a town that bestows standing ovations as routinely as one draws breath. As a child, I was taught that one gets to one's feet when the performer is at the absolute top of his game and has moved one deeply. Otherwise, one applauds appreciatively, or, in some cases, politely.

Within two weeks, I attended a number of events where standing ovations occurred: choral music at an evening church service, an annual meeting in which certificates of appreciation were handed out, a concert performance by three tenors, a high school performance by students, and a bar association luncheon at which 1,000 lawyers leaped to their feet both at the appearance of the speaker (a Supreme Court Justice) at the podium and at the conclusion of his presentation.

All events were enjoyable and interesting. None qualified as "top of their game" and/or emotionally moving.

Am I hopelessly out of touch (always a possibility)? Just being a curmudgeon at my resistance to peer pressure? I do not wish to be unkind but find all this aggravating.

GENTLE READER: It is called Ovation Inflation, and serious aesthetes deplore it. It leaves them with no way of expressing real joy.

Performers ought to deplore it, as well, because it precludes enjoying a genuine triumph. Instead, many have taken to seeding the reaction by applauding their fellow performers and occasionally, Miss Manners regrets to say, themselves.

Sharing your regrets -- and let's not have any of those "out of touch" insults for proper behavior -- Miss Manners urges you to sit these ovations out with quiet dignity, waiting for those special moments.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were embarrassed by the gift we brought to an engagement party we went to last year.

We bought a funny relationship-comedy DVD and a box of popcorn to pop while the couple watched it. We thought it was a fun gift for them to enjoy during the stress of planning a wedding. The cost of the gift was probably $10. After all, it is still just an engagement that can be broken at any time.

However, when the engagees decided to open their presents in front of the group, we saw that they were receiving big-ticket items such as televisions and microwaves and other large gifts more typical of wedding presents.

What is the appropriate gift for an engagement party? Especially if, as in my situation, you are close with the bride and will also be buying a bridal shower gift and then the wedding gift? Or perhaps you are even a member of the bridal party and will have further expenses. Buying so many gifts for the same couple can get a little tiring -- and expensive!

GENTLE READER-- Making embarrassment sound like the best choice.

However, Miss Manners sees no reason for you to be embarrassed. You gave a thoughtful little present, appropriate to the occasion, and if others choose to give two or more sets of what are, in effect, wedding presents, do not let it bother you.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recall reading in one of your works about the system ladies used to use when paying social calls -- that after a while, because it was boring, people would just leave their cards, and had a system of bending the corners to signal various things.

Well, I am not in a position to revive the custom, but I am a biomedical informatics student designing a software program that involves boxes used to give information and for which a corner-based way of signaling various things would be very useful. (This is part of my PhD dissertation work.)

I've found that information systems that humans develop over time and experience can be better than things that a single person just dreamed up, so I was wondering if you would be willing to describe the old system.

GENTLE READER: It is a relief to Miss Manners that you do not intend to revive the system of social calls. It was enormously time-consuming, for both the callers and the horses, and thank goodness someone finally invented the telephone. That was a nuisance in its own way, and thank goodness someone finally invented e-mail.

It really is necessary to keep in touch with one's acquaintance, however, so we use available tools. Dealing with the daily e-mail from people who want to keep in touch by sharing rumors, jokes, wedding pictures, health scares, baby pictures, wish lists, political diatribes and party pictures is probably not much more time-consuming than ordering the carriage and driving around, scattering cards at people's houses.

The original system consisted of actual calls paid in the late afternoon for not more than a quarter of an hour each. In addition to next-day calls to one's hostess of the night before, there were obligatory calls to congratulate, to condole, to say goodbye when one was leaving town, to meet the new neighbors and so on. As they all had to be returned, you can imagine how sick of one another people became.

So the custom was abbreviated, as you noted, to leaving cards -- inquiring whether someone was home, being told she was not and escaping immediately, leaving behind a pasteboard card with one's name for proof of intention. The sentiment once conveyed directly was reduced to the symbol of the bent card edge: The upper left indicated that you were just paying a visit, the upper right that you offered congratulations, the lower right that you offered condolences and the lower left that you were taking leave.

How fortunate we are that we have a range of tools for different situations. We can offer serious thanks and congratulations with handwritten letters and trivial ones by e-mail. Condolences still require a visit from intimates and a letter from other acquaintances, but moving away requires electronic notification so that new addresses may be entered into the computer. Unless, of course, you are moving away from a romance. That still requires a visit, or at least an attempted visit.

Miss Manners hopes this has contributed to your scholarship.

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