DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am sorry for never saying "thank you" to my family and want to apologize, but I am not sure how to go about doing it.

You see, as a child my mother would always force my siblings and me to write thank-you notes to family after receiving birthday and Christmas gifts. We were taught that it was the right thing to do.

However, once I hit my preteen and into my teenage and college years, I became lazy and stopped sending thank you letters. Even after I received a plethora of wonderful gifts for my high school and college graduation.

Of course, I was too old for mother to make me do it, so I just didn't. Soon, the gifts stopped coming, and I don't blame my family for doing so. It's not that I want them to start sending gifts again, but now that I'm older and wiser, I am regretful. I want my family to know that I am sorry and that I truly appreciated everything they did for me.

How do I apologize? In a phone call? A letter? Or is too late?

GENTLE READER: At the moment, it is too early. Years late, but just a mite too early. You wouldn't want your letters (yes, you are back to being told to write letters) to make the recipients think that you were sitting around at Christmas time thinking, "Hey, where's all the stuff?" and writing to encourage it.

But you can get started on writing now, you will be happy to hear, because New Year's will do. It even provides plausibility to the notion that you are reflecting rather than collecting.

Your letter should begin something like this, with no -- repeat: no -- mention of presents:

"I've been thinking back over my past, and I remember all the kind things you have done for me over the years. I don't think I have ever properly thanked you, but I want you to know how much I appreciate your thoughtfulness nevertheless."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Recently, my husband and I have fallen upon hard times and have been blessed enough to have considerate friends and family. We have been showered with no-strings-attached gifts of clothing, food and even money.

Now, my mother has always taught me that when someone gives you a gift, the least you can do is to buy thank-you cards to fill out fully with a hand written thank you on the inside.

My dilemma stems from the fact that it doesn't seem right to use the much-needed money (even though cards cost so little) that was gifted us for our needs to buy the cards. I have thought of using our printer and card stock that we have on hand to make my own, simple, cards myself, but still feel this is not appropriate, especially since I don't have the proper envelopes for said cards and would end up also making those myself.

GENTLE READER: You are in luck. Miss Manners assures you that a hand-written and hand-made is not just acceptable, but more gracious than anything you can buy. Paper with a printed "Thank You," whether bought or from your own printer, looks more like a receipt than a real letter with all the words written in your own hand.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: At what size table is it appropriate for guests to have conversations with the people sitting next to them, and when should a host/hostess expect that the entire table will participate in one conversation?

I realize that there once were rules for this when dinner tables sat 12 to 24 people, and conversation changed sides with the courses, but with somewhat smaller dinners now, it often seems that guests don't know when or how best to participate. If it is a larger table (say, 10-plus), should guests feel hesitant in initiating conversation with the person next to him/her if there is an active discussion going on among others not so near?

Also, are sex, politics and religion still off-limits in polite dinner conversation?

GENTLE READER: You know what we call a table of 10 or more people when only one person talks at a time? Not a party -- a seminar. At a social event, six is about the maximum for sustaining a long general conversation.

Now, Miss Manners realizes that there will be times when one person at the table is overheard to say something so fascinating that everyone else stops to listen. Such as, "Mr. Gates was telling me how the economy can be fixed." Or "You'll never guess who I saw coming out of the Roadside Inn together."

Then, indeed, the conversation may be general for a while. But if it goes on too long, you are free to speak quietly to your dinner partner, although not -- unless you are like-minded old friends -- about sex, politics or religion. That is not a quaint prohibition. Such subjects as gay marriage, taxes and abortion have been known to explode otherwise pleasant dinner parties.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was growing up, my mom would always point out women who were exposing their knees or elbows and mock them. She would say that those are the ugliest parts of the body and ridicule them. As a consequence, I was nearly 30 before I could even sport a tank top.

Though I think my body is fine and proportionate, I am still terribly self-conscious about it, especially my arms, which I think are more fat then the rest of me.

Well, I had to go and marry a lawyer, and there always seems to be a dressy event to attend. We are coming into cocktail-party season, and for years I have tried to avoid them like the plague. You always see women at these events in spaghetti straps or somehow exposing their shoulders and arms. I tend to keep covered in a jacket or cardigan.

I don't want to continue avoiding dressy occasions because of my shame about my body. Is it OK to continue covering up like this at dressy events, or am I calling more attention to myself by being so covered up? I also refuse to wear shoes that expose my feet too much, but that is a story for another time!

GENTLE READER: The background is all very interesting, but Miss Manners assures you that things are not so bad that a lady needs a psychological excuse to wear sleeves. Or, for that matter, no-peep shoes. You might do so simply because all those identical slip-dresses and spiky sandals that are not only exposing feet but killing them are getting to be a bore.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Over the holidays, we will host several good friends for dinner and two acquaintances whom we would like to get to know better. While my dining table comfortably seats eight with regular place settings, it may be a little cramped with the extended tableware and stemware for the five-course dinner I am planning.

In addition to a regular five-piece place setting, the guests will each have an iced tea spoon, a cocktail fork, a steak knife, and dessert fork and spoon, plus accompanying extra china and stemware.

Rather than cram the table with everything at once, would it be appropriate to present each guest with the china, silverware and stemware for the appetizer and dessert courses just prior to service, clearing away these items as each guest finishes? Alternatively, I could serve the appetizer and dessert courses from my buffet sideboard.

The two acquaintances are a delightful young couple who admire our social group. This is an opportunity for us to serve as a good example for them in their future entertaining.

GENTLE READER: That is a reason for making sure that you do not overwhelm them. Miss Manners is all for big, festive, formal meals, but hopes that you will not be sending them away reeling from too much all at once and the challenge of "OK, top this!"

Therefore, etiquette has a rule that forbids issuing more than three forks and three knives to each diner at a time, with other tools supplied as needed. So much for people who claim to be bewildered by a vast choice of forks. They are just showing off.

As far as Miss Manners can puzzle out, your menu is: seafood cocktail, then (because you wouldn't follow that with a fish course) soup, a main course of steak, salad and dessert. All well and good. To the left of the plate would be (from outside in) the forks for the meat course and the salad course; to the right (outside in) the seafood fork nestling in the soup spoon, then the steak knife, with the dessert fork and spoon horizontally at the top of the place setting. Not an outlandish setting, but you could pare it down by bringing the seafood fork on that plate and the dessert service on each dessert plate.

You are probably not serving five wines, not if you value your dining room carpet. Yet taking glasses off the table is oddly off-putting, even if not directly associated with a bartender's saying, "OK, you've had enough."

Two wines would seem reasonable with your menu, a red with the steak and a white with the seafood, which those who get headaches from red could continue to drink if their glasses weren't snatched. So unless you are having a dessert wine, that is only three glasses, the third being for water.

Oh, yes, the iced tea. Miss Manners doesn't quite get that at a formal winter holiday dinner, but you know your guests. Couldn't you just have that ready to hand to anyone who asks, and let that person figure out where to put it?

But do, please, give that person a saucer, or a tiny spoon rest, on which to park the wet iced tea spoon. For the sake of your guests' peace of mind, as well as of your tablecloth. You want them to go away thinking, "What a pleasant way to dine," not "I thought we'd never finish."

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