DEAR MISS MANNERS: Over the holidays, we will host several good friends for dinner and two acquaintances whom we would like to get to know better. While my dining table comfortably seats eight with regular place settings, it may be a little cramped with the extended tableware and stemware for the five-course dinner I am planning.

In addition to a regular five-piece place setting, the guests will each have an iced tea spoon, a cocktail fork, a steak knife, and dessert fork and spoon, plus accompanying extra china and stemware.

Rather than cram the table with everything at once, would it be appropriate to present each guest with the china, silverware and stemware for the appetizer and dessert courses just prior to service, clearing away these items as each guest finishes? Alternatively, I could serve the appetizer and dessert courses from my buffet sideboard.

The two acquaintances are a delightful young couple who admire our social group. This is an opportunity for us to serve as a good example for them in their future entertaining.

GENTLE READER: That is a reason for making sure that you do not overwhelm them. Miss Manners is all for big, festive, formal meals, but hopes that you will not be sending them away reeling from too much all at once and the challenge of "OK, top this!"

Therefore, etiquette has a rule that forbids issuing more than three forks and three knives to each diner at a time, with other tools supplied as needed. So much for people who claim to be bewildered by a vast choice of forks. They are just showing off.

As far as Miss Manners can puzzle out, your menu is: seafood cocktail, then (because you wouldn't follow that with a fish course) soup, a main course of steak, salad and dessert. All well and good. To the left of the plate would be (from outside in) the forks for the meat course and the salad course; to the right (outside in) the seafood fork nestling in the soup spoon, then the steak knife, with the dessert fork and spoon horizontally at the top of the place setting. Not an outlandish setting, but you could pare it down by bringing the seafood fork on that plate and the dessert service on each dessert plate.

You are probably not serving five wines, not if you value your dining room carpet. Yet taking glasses off the table is oddly off-putting, even if not directly associated with a bartender's saying, "OK, you've had enough."

Two wines would seem reasonable with your menu, a red with the steak and a white with the seafood, which those who get headaches from red could continue to drink if their glasses weren't snatched. So unless you are having a dessert wine, that is only three glasses, the third being for water.

Oh, yes, the iced tea. Miss Manners doesn't quite get that at a formal winter holiday dinner, but you know your guests. Couldn't you just have that ready to hand to anyone who asks, and let that person figure out where to put it?

But do, please, give that person a saucer, or a tiny spoon rest, on which to park the wet iced tea spoon. For the sake of your guests' peace of mind, as well as of your tablecloth. You want them to go away thinking, "What a pleasant way to dine," not "I thought we'd never finish."

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am trying to collect a set of silverware, and I'm still confused because the names of pieces are not always the same. I keep seeing a "place" spoon (and occasionally a "place" fork and "place" knife that seem to be luncheon sized).

Unfortunately, "place" doesn't describe the spoon's purpose to me. In my pattern, there are advertised: a cream soup spoon, a place/oval soup spoon and a dessert/tear shaped soup spoon. I think that is one too many soups (not counting bullion and gumbo).

Is the "place" spoon really the dessert spoon? Does the soup spoon care if it has an oval or tear shaped bowl? Is buying silver making me obsessive compulsive?

I will not even ask about the cocktail/seafood fork/oyster fork /pickle/olive/lemon fork dilemma since they all look alike to me. As for the 5'o'clock spoon, or the "youth size" utensils, I thought Miss Manners had declared the age of inventing new silver pieces over.

GENTLE READER: Indeed. The key is the date at which Miss Manners declares a cut-off. On a bad day, she thinks that maybe 1797 would have been a good time, in which case any of us would be lucky to be issued a fork. Then again, she remembers all the fun she would be missing if the world were bereft of strawberry forks.

The so-called "place" pieces are a comparatively recent attempt at simplification. Between luncheon and dinner size, they are supposed to fit not only any time of day, but any course. As you may suspect, Miss Manners does not quite like them, but not because she wants to complicate people's lives and ruin their budgets.

Her objection is that they make it difficult to serve a meal with more than one course requiring a fork and knife. You can do it by buying double sets (or by running to the kitchen sink between courses), but it looks redundant. The old method, before the mid-19th-century proliferation of specialized utensils, was to have a small set (not only for luncheon service, but for fish courses and such) and a large set (for the main course).

There was also a large oval tablespoon that was used for clear soup served in soup plates, a round spoon used for cream soup served in soup cups, a smaller round spoon for bouillon, and a medium-sized oval spoon used for dessert. How's that for your peace of mind?

In any case, these distinctions have been largely lost, but Miss Manners would rather see the oval soup spoon used for dessert than the teaspoon.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a sister that constantly sends birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, etc., early. By early, I mean, sometimes as much as two months in advance.

I find this rude and odd at the same time. When asking her why she does this, her answer is so that she does not forget, since she travels so often (does not have a traveling job).

I personally am just as offended in this as I am in her potentially being late or forgetting entirely. To me, it demonstrates her inconsiderate ways in not caring about the meaning behind a specific important event and or date. How would you propose dealing with this, and, is it "normal"?

GENTLE READER: It is normal, Miss Manners gathers from far more disgruntled letters than yours, to send presents late. Or to forget to send them at all. Or, as in your case, to quibble instead of being grateful.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I gave a relative a pot of poinsettia as a hostess gift, thinking it was festive and appropriate for a holiday visit. The hostess received it saying "Thanks, isn't this poisonous?"

I was embarrassed and dumbfounded (managed to grit my teeth into an almost-smile and told myself to not mind -- but obviously I cannot "not mind it"!). I was also angry at myself for not having a glib reply.

Belatedly, a friend suggested "That's why we got it for you," but I doubt my ability to carry off cheeky responses with aplomb. Is there a remedial school somewhere for catty comebacks?

My husband claims that it is just sarcastic humor. I think it shows ill manners and ungraciousness. There shouldn't be room for sarcasm in thanks, except perhaps among very good friends who share the same sarcastic wit. And in a social situation, isn't it arrogant to assume that everyone will love and enjoy one's sarcastic wit applied liberally?

I probably would not be this miffed if the comment had been said by someone I have experienced as a nice person. In the few times I have been in social contact with this woman, she's had no qualms about sharing her critical opinions of anyone and everyone who is not in the room -- including people I like and respect and consider to be my friends. What could I have said at that moment?

P.S.: I researched poinsettias as soon as we got home, and found that there is a commonmisconception that poinsettias are toxic. They are not very toxic, but those sensitive to latex may suffer an allergic reaction, and, if eaten, poinsettias may cause diarrhea and vomiting in people and animals.

GENTLE READER: Then how about "You'll be fine as long as you don't eat them"?

No, Miss Manners supposes not. In spite of your research, you might consider this to be joking, which you have disallowed.

Fortunately, earnestness works just as well. You could have taken her by both hands, given her a look of deep concern and said, "You know I would never do anything to hurt you. I only hoped to please you." If possible, make your lip quiver when you say this.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our daughter-in-law constantly takes Christmas and birthday presents we give to her and our grandchildren back to the store and either trades them for something entirely different or gets cash refunds. Most stores will take returns without a receipt if a customer is demanding enough.

She does this without our knowledge and no one tells us unless we specifically ask where a present is. It is her thought that once a gift is given it belongs to the person and they can do as they please with the gift. Any thoughts?

GENTLE READER: Yes: Stop asking where the presents are. Your dissatisfied daughter-in-law is right about that.

You might, instead, ask your son-in-law for guidance about what might please the lady. However, since she also returns the children's presents, Miss Manners suspects that the answer might be that nothing pleases her except what she selects herself.

In that case, leave it alone and be grateful that you are not told about the exchanges or, worse, given instructions to do the exchange yourself. In a desultory way, the arrangement is working.

: