DEAR MISS MANNERS: The invitation to my office holiday party just arrived and I'm fuming. The invite says that I should bring "a spouse, significant other or date." Is it acceptable for the hosts to specify what categories of guests are permissible, or have these people stepped over the line?

GENTLE READER: Those poor people who were assigned to write the invitations! Miss Manners' heart aches for them.

They used to send these invitations in the names of employees and their husbands and wives. But then they began getting angry reactions from female employees and wives of employees who had not taken their husbands' names or who had, but wanted to be addressed by their own given names as well.

To avoid dealing with these complications of names and honorifics, there was a switch to the generic "spouses." This produced angry reactions from employees whose marriages had ended and who wanted to bring new interests, from employees whose marriages had not ended but who wanted to bring new interests and from employees whose interests had not ended but whose marriages had not begun.

So they added "significant other." This produced angry reactions from the single employees who were not significantly attached but who did not want to attend alone, so they added "date."

Now what are you fuming about? If you want to bring your nephew, your neighbor or your fourth-grade teacher, there are not likely to be objections.

They could have added that everyone could bring "a guest," but by this time, their nerves were shot. What if it turned out that some of the employees lived in menages a trois?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was at the bank the other day to straighten out a statement issue and something odd occurred: As the gentleman tended to my business, his phone began to ring. And ring. And ring. Then it stopped. He then briskly wrapped up my business and bade me a good day.

I have three questions:

Did he exercise proper manners? I thought that in present day America, when one received a phone call one answered it, regardless of circumstances. Was I out of line to be utterly stunned by this turn of events. Is the end of the world nigh on?

GENTLE READER: It must be, if it is possible for you to believe it rude not to desert a live person -- and not just any person, but yourself -- who has come into someone's work place in favor of taking a telephone call.

True, someone should be taking that call. Miss Manners sympathizes with the caller, who is listening to a recording about how important the call is to the bank and being asked to punch an endless series of buttons that he cannot find while listening to the instructions because the buttons are in the part of the telephone he has to hold to his ear.

But this should not be done at the expense of leaving you sitting there while someone who presented himself later is helped.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On two occasions, now, I have made the acquaintance of someone who had spent time in prison. One person admitted the fact right upfront upon our meeting. On the other occasion, the fact was already common knowledge in the social circle we share, and I learned it before meeting the person.

I am familiar with standard getting-to-know-you conversation questions such as "How do you make your living?" or "Where did you first meet your spouse?" But somehow "Soooo.., um, Charlie, um, what's it like in prison?" just doesn't have the right feel.

Is it acceptable to ask a former prisoner what he did time for? I've never heard any etiquette rules address the question. What would you advise as to what may and what may not be asked?

GENTLE READER: Personal questions to strangers are never safe. Consider yourself lucky if no one has yet burst into tears when you asked how she makes a living (because she's been on the job market for nearly a year) or how he met his spouse (because his spouse just met someone else).

But Miss Manners acknowledges that you could hit a new low in casual chatter by peppering someone with questions about his crime and punishment. She also acknowledges that nowadays, an amazing number of people do want to talk to mere acquaintances about matters one would think embarrassing, but you still have to let them ask.

You may be sure that someone who wants to talk about himself will find a way to work it into the conversation. The person who announced it upfront could have been asked a nonaggressive question, such as "How was it?" or "What were the circumstances?" If others are ready to talk, you need only say "Nasty weather we've been having" to allow them to reply "You have no idea how hard these thunderstorms are on cat burglars."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter will be in a society ball where the guest tables are quite expensive and must be reserved/purchased as a full table. Two tables of 10 will accommodate my immediate family and the mother and guest of my daughter's escort.

My dilemma is that two of my siblings are single. One of them has an on-and-off relationship. We are very fond of this sibling's friend. Is it wrong to invite the two siblings without specifying a guest?

GENTLE READER: Normally, Miss Manners is the first to say that before people accept or decline invitations, they should decide whether they would find the occasion, the hosts and the host's other guests' company sufficiently entertaining, and not expect to bring their own guests.

But this is a ball, which means that dancing is the main feature of the evening, not incidental, as at a wedding. You could line up friends who will ask your siblings to dance, but you cannot simply leave them to sit through the evening while others take to the dance floor.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This is my first year in business for myself. I would like to show excellent customer care by sending Christmas cards to my customers whom I've worked for in the past year. Are there any specific rules I should follow so as not to offend my customers?

GENTLE READER: Rule 1 would be: Don't send Christmas cards.

Most people will not be offended, but neither are they likely to be charmed. Unless you are on particularly friendly terms with them, many will regard your card as another form of printed advertising. Even less charmed will be your clients who are not Christian, or who are, but do not celebrate Christmas.

Before you protest that you mean well (and everyone else protests at Miss Manners' horrid attitude), she has another suggestion. Write a short note of appreciation with your own hand, as a sort of end-of-the-year appreciation, and say nothing about Christmas.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a female cousin who was married this past summer. She married another woman in Canada and moved back here to the States. I was wondering how to address her Christmas card this year.

I haven't met her partner and we weren't invited to the ceremonies, but I would still like for us to keep in contact with them. I only know her partner's first name.

Should I address it with my cousin's first and last name only, or her partner's first name and my cousin's last name in addition to my cousin's name? I would like her to know that she is a valued part of our family also.

GENTLE READER: So valued that you might take the trouble to learn her name?

There is no guessing at married ladies' names these days, whether they marry gentlemen or other ladies. And there should be no embarrassment about asking -- it is not like forgetting a name you are expected to know. That should be an immediate question when you hear of a marriage if the couple has not made it clear.

You could still ask -- your cousin or another relative who would know. Miss Manners is willing to save you the trouble, but only if you promise to write down the answer so you will have it for next year and also promise to develop the habit of asking brides what their married names will be.

Address the card to your cousin alone, but inside the card, address your good wishes to "Dear Annalise and Priscilla," and include a parenthetical note asking what surnames they are using.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When asking for an opinion, what are the rights and duties of both the requesting and advising parties?

Does the requesting party have any duty to implement the advising party's advice?

Does the advising party have any right to expect total or partial implementation of the advice given?

GENTLE READER: No, and no. A prudent person collects and considers advice from many trustworthy sources before making a judgment.

However, the chances of encountering prudent people seem slimmer every day, so Miss Manners would advise you to be careful.

When giving advice, remember that most people who appear to be asking for your wise counsel are merely seeking approval of what they have already decided to do. Others only know what they want to do when others advise them to the contrary.

When you are asking, she advises you to make it clear that you are still in the pondering stage and to remember to say,

after thanking an adviser profusely, "I will certainly take this under advisement."

And Miss Manners promises not to check whether you follow this advice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I lost my husband very recently. There were many friends and family at his memorial. However, how do I tell the people, distant family, friends with whom we exchange Christmas cards? Do I just sign my name and let it go at that? I am really struggling with this and would very much appreciate your input.

GENTLE READER: You are excused, this year, from writing Christmas cards, which are generally expected to convey cheer. Spreading the sad news is a task that can be spread among those people who said, "Let me know if there is anything I can do," although Miss Manners hopes that they will not mix this assignment with their own Christmas messages.

: