DEAR MISS MANNERS: On two occasions, now, I have made the acquaintance of someone who had spent time in prison. One person admitted the fact right upfront upon our meeting. On the other occasion, the fact was already common knowledge in the social circle we share, and I learned it before meeting the person.

I am familiar with standard getting-to-know-you conversation questions such as "How do you make your living?" or "Where did you first meet your spouse?" But somehow "Soooo.., um, Charlie, um, what's it like in prison?" just doesn't have the right feel.

Is it acceptable to ask a former prisoner what he did time for? I've never heard any etiquette rules address the question. What would you advise as to what may and what may not be asked?

GENTLE READER: Personal questions to strangers are never safe. Consider yourself lucky if no one has yet burst into tears when you asked how she makes a living (because she's been on the job market for nearly a year) or how he met his spouse (because his spouse just met someone else).

But Miss Manners acknowledges that you could hit a new low in casual chatter by peppering someone with questions about his crime and punishment. She also acknowledges that nowadays, an amazing number of people do want to talk to mere acquaintances about matters one would think embarrassing, but you still have to let them ask.

You may be sure that someone who wants to talk about himself will find a way to work it into the conversation. The person who announced it upfront could have been asked a nonaggressive question, such as "How was it?" or "What were the circumstances?" If others are ready to talk, you need only say "Nasty weather we've been having" to allow them to reply "You have no idea how hard these thunderstorms are on cat burglars."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter will be in a society ball where the guest tables are quite expensive and must be reserved/purchased as a full table. Two tables of 10 will accommodate my immediate family and the mother and guest of my daughter's escort.

My dilemma is that two of my siblings are single. One of them has an on-and-off relationship. We are very fond of this sibling's friend. Is it wrong to invite the two siblings without specifying a guest?

GENTLE READER: Normally, Miss Manners is the first to say that before people accept or decline invitations, they should decide whether they would find the occasion, the hosts and the host's other guests' company sufficiently entertaining, and not expect to bring their own guests.

But this is a ball, which means that dancing is the main feature of the evening, not incidental, as at a wedding. You could line up friends who will ask your siblings to dance, but you cannot simply leave them to sit through the evening while others take to the dance floor.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This is my first year in business for myself. I would like to show excellent customer care by sending Christmas cards to my customers whom I've worked for in the past year. Are there any specific rules I should follow so as not to offend my customers?

GENTLE READER: Rule 1 would be: Don't send Christmas cards.

Most people will not be offended, but neither are they likely to be charmed. Unless you are on particularly friendly terms with them, many will regard your card as another form of printed advertising. Even less charmed will be your clients who are not Christian, or who are, but do not celebrate Christmas.

Before you protest that you mean well (and everyone else protests at Miss Manners' horrid attitude), she has another suggestion. Write a short note of appreciation with your own hand, as a sort of end-of-the-year appreciation, and say nothing about Christmas.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a female cousin who was married this past summer. She married another woman in Canada and moved back here to the States. I was wondering how to address her Christmas card this year.

I haven't met her partner and we weren't invited to the ceremonies, but I would still like for us to keep in contact with them. I only know her partner's first name.

Should I address it with my cousin's first and last name only, or her partner's first name and my cousin's last name in addition to my cousin's name? I would like her to know that she is a valued part of our family also.

GENTLE READER: So valued that you might take the trouble to learn her name?

There is no guessing at married ladies' names these days, whether they marry gentlemen or other ladies. And there should be no embarrassment about asking -- it is not like forgetting a name you are expected to know. That should be an immediate question when you hear of a marriage if the couple has not made it clear.

You could still ask -- your cousin or another relative who would know. Miss Manners is willing to save you the trouble, but only if you promise to write down the answer so you will have it for next year and also promise to develop the habit of asking brides what their married names will be.

Address the card to your cousin alone, but inside the card, address your good wishes to "Dear Annalise and Priscilla," and include a parenthetical note asking what surnames they are using.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When asking for an opinion, what are the rights and duties of both the requesting and advising parties?

Does the requesting party have any duty to implement the advising party's advice?

Does the advising party have any right to expect total or partial implementation of the advice given?

GENTLE READER: No, and no. A prudent person collects and considers advice from many trustworthy sources before making a judgment.

However, the chances of encountering prudent people seem slimmer every day, so Miss Manners would advise you to be careful.

When giving advice, remember that most people who appear to be asking for your wise counsel are merely seeking approval of what they have already decided to do. Others only know what they want to do when others advise them to the contrary.

When you are asking, she advises you to make it clear that you are still in the pondering stage and to remember to say,

after thanking an adviser profusely, "I will certainly take this under advisement."

And Miss Manners promises not to check whether you follow this advice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I lost my husband very recently. There were many friends and family at his memorial. However, how do I tell the people, distant family, friends with whom we exchange Christmas cards? Do I just sign my name and let it go at that? I am really struggling with this and would very much appreciate your input.

GENTLE READER: You are excused, this year, from writing Christmas cards, which are generally expected to convey cheer. Spreading the sad news is a task that can be spread among those people who said, "Let me know if there is anything I can do," although Miss Manners hopes that they will not mix this assignment with their own Christmas messages.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have just started law school, where professionalism is part of the education. At this point, I would be grateful just for respect and common courtesy.

The trouble arises in one class where there are no assigned seats. One of my classmates saves a seat for her friend. The first time, I acquiesced. The second time, I put my hands on the chair before sitting down and said I was going to sit there, whereupon she snatched it away, saying I wasn't. The third time, when I announced my intention to sit next to her she piled all of her possessions onto it. I am at a loss as to how to respond to such immature behavior.

As an aside, the first two times her friend could have just as easily sat on her other side. The friend suggested that we consult our professor, but he declined to become involved other than as a last resort.

GENTLE READER: What are you two doing in law school? Your idea of conflict resolution is tug o' war and run tattling to Teacher. Please remind Miss Manners never to hire either of you to represent her.

In the interest of relieving your understandably exasperated professor, she will explain briefly how civilized societies are regulated.

Rules, customs and laws are designed to make them run smoothly and, with any luck, justly and even gracefully. Etiquette governs the minor rules and customs, just as law governs the laws. However, in contrast to law, which has the power to fine or confine violators, etiquette requires voluntary compliance, and violating it incurs only disapproval and exclusion.

So why should anyone comply?

You and the other student might have done so to avoid disapproval: enmity toward each other, the possible annoyance of other students who heard you quarrelling, and the likely irritation of your professor as he declined to become involved. For the sake of the profession you have both chosen, you should also adhere to the belief that trivial matters should be settled without recourse to the awful majesty of the law.

Instead, you both chose to pursue a questionable dispute over a chair, and to do so rudely. Saving a seat is usually countenanced, provided one does not try to save a large number of them, or to allow late arrivals who disrupt things. In any case, trying to do so is not an act of war.

The conflict could have been handled politely, with your asking, "Do you mind if I sit here?" and her saying, "I'm sorry, I promised to save this for my friend" -- and resolved in your favor by your arriving early for the next class and taking whatever seat you chose.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend and I were discussing what a proper lady would carry in her purse. Since we cannot come to an agreement, could you help us?

GENTLE READER: A clean handkerchief and enough money to get home if she needs to use the handkerchief because she has been taken ill or made to cry.

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