DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have just started law school, where professionalism is part of the education. At this point, I would be grateful just for respect and common courtesy.

The trouble arises in one class where there are no assigned seats. One of my classmates saves a seat for her friend. The first time, I acquiesced. The second time, I put my hands on the chair before sitting down and said I was going to sit there, whereupon she snatched it away, saying I wasn't. The third time, when I announced my intention to sit next to her she piled all of her possessions onto it. I am at a loss as to how to respond to such immature behavior.

As an aside, the first two times her friend could have just as easily sat on her other side. The friend suggested that we consult our professor, but he declined to become involved other than as a last resort.

GENTLE READER: What are you two doing in law school? Your idea of conflict resolution is tug o' war and run tattling to Teacher. Please remind Miss Manners never to hire either of you to represent her.

In the interest of relieving your understandably exasperated professor, she will explain briefly how civilized societies are regulated.

Rules, customs and laws are designed to make them run smoothly and, with any luck, justly and even gracefully. Etiquette governs the minor rules and customs, just as law governs the laws. However, in contrast to law, which has the power to fine or confine violators, etiquette requires voluntary compliance, and violating it incurs only disapproval and exclusion.

So why should anyone comply?

You and the other student might have done so to avoid disapproval: enmity toward each other, the possible annoyance of other students who heard you quarrelling, and the likely irritation of your professor as he declined to become involved. For the sake of the profession you have both chosen, you should also adhere to the belief that trivial matters should be settled without recourse to the awful majesty of the law.

Instead, you both chose to pursue a questionable dispute over a chair, and to do so rudely. Saving a seat is usually countenanced, provided one does not try to save a large number of them, or to allow late arrivals who disrupt things. In any case, trying to do so is not an act of war.

The conflict could have been handled politely, with your asking, "Do you mind if I sit here?" and her saying, "I'm sorry, I promised to save this for my friend" -- and resolved in your favor by your arriving early for the next class and taking whatever seat you chose.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend and I were discussing what a proper lady would carry in her purse. Since we cannot come to an agreement, could you help us?

GENTLE READER: A clean handkerchief and enough money to get home if she needs to use the handkerchief because she has been taken ill or made to cry.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been hiking a certain trail for many years. The first half-mile or so is smooth and flat, so it's not uncommon to find beginners and nonhikers out for a stroll. There is one rock that offers a lovely view. People often climb on it and snap pictures or sit down for a break. However, this rock also sports a gorgeous patch of poison ivy, just a few inches from where I see people standing. I usually say something like, "You do know that's poison ivy, right?" or "The poison ivy is so lovely in the fall when it turns red!"

My concern is that other members of my own party tell me that it is rude to tell other people about the ivy. I can see how it could be annoying to hear it from a stranger, and I do occasionally hear a, "Yes, I know," but more often than not, the people I address have no idea that it isn't just a pretty vine.

So what is best? Should I offer unsolicited advice or leave the newbies to itch? It may be relevant that I only rarely see people sitting in the poison ivy. Usually, they're just next to it.

GENTLE READER: If Miss Manners were sitting by a patch of poison ivy, she wouldn't care who told her as long as someone did.

Do your friends not believe that etiquette makes allowances for emergencies? Would they hesitate to grab a stranger if he were going underwater for the third time? Would they refrain from screaming at you just because they saw you stepping into quicksand?

If so, you might consider finding other companions for your excursions.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it ever appropriate to hire a babysitter to assist with guests' children? At our Thanksgiving meal, two toddlers and a 5-year-old were dismissed by their parents from the table while parents lingered over dessert and coffee.

I jumped up and tried to run interference while topping off coffee cups and clearing away plates, but the three children with minimal supervision managed to wreck my home.

I do have a child-friendly area, complete with age-appropriate toys -- but toddlers seem to be drawn to electronic equipment -- especially remotes, Tiffany lamps and first-edition, mint-condition books.

When they come over at Christmas for another family meal, would it be rude to have a babysitter on hand to assist the children with their plates, and then direct their activities away from my rugs and antiques when the children are through with their meals?

GENTLE READER: These people are related to you, Miss Manners gathers, so you can no more refrain from inviting them than you can pass off a babysitter as your child-loving cousin.

No matter. You are not providing this service because you disapprove of their child-rearing, still less because you want to protect your furniture. You are doing it, as you will explain before the children have had a chance to do any wrecking, to give the young ones some fun and their parents a carefree visit.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am new to the symphony scene, but love it. I have tickets to a Christmas theme coming up, so I am at a loss as to when to stand for the Handel's Messiah piece. At the beginning, during the middle?

I do not wish to be the first to stand. However, a friend of mine has noticed a few young patrons who do not seem to know the reason or why people stand for the lovely piece. They look bewildered, and a few remain sitting. Please advise.

GENTLE READER: Compared to, say hockey fans, fans of classical music have few bonding rituals. They can glare at anyone who coughs, and they can look askance at anyone who claps between the movements, but that's about it.

So it is little wonder that they look forward to Christmas, when they can stand at the proper time and bewilder others. The proper time is during the Hallelujah chorus only, not the whole piece.

As for why, good luck. The cognoscenti will be quick to point out that naturally, it is because George II did so at the first performance, in 1743. But if you ask them why he stood, they will start squabbling among themselves: It was because the music moved him so much. It was because he had gout. It was because he thought it was half time. It was because the King of Kings outranked him. It was because he thought the Messiah was finally over and he could leave.

Whatever. If you really want to bewilder those people, ask why we should stand just because George II did.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Two months ago, I received a "save the date" announcement for a birthday party for my child's friend, who will turn 3. We replied that we would happily make the date free to join them, not knowing what the specifics of the invitation would be.

A week ago, I received the official invitation, and it turned out to be for a theater show. My child, also 3 years old, is very active and cannot sit still for more than 30 minutes, at best. Even an active, gymnastics-style class challenges his attention span if it goes for more than 45 minutes. This theater performance is scheduled to last 90 minutes; there is no way my child can keep up good behavior for this long. If we go, I fear my child would be very disruptive -- not just for the party invitees, but also the other theater patrons.

Is it OK to decline the invitation after saying we would "save the date"? I'm feeling really bad about canceling and would feel bad (if not worse) for going. The only thing I can think to do is to politely decline and offer to pay his ticket cost.

GENTLE READER: If Miss Manners is to approve that relatively new social form called "save the date," people have to understand what it is and is not.

It is not an invitation. It is merely advance notice that an invitation will be sent -- in case the targeted guests want to clear their schedules or they need lots of time to think of an excuse. The host is obligated to invite you when the time comes, and may be glad to get a preliminary estimate of the guests who will attend, but cannot expect a commitment. You need not have answered the invitation at the time, and you should now express extreme regrets that you cannot attend, after all.

: