DEAR MISS MANNERS: Very often, when making a purchase with our credit card, we are asked by the sales associate to show a picture ID. This is something we find highly offensive, as it is basically a request to prove that we are not attempting to use a stolen card.

When we complain to the clerk (or the manager, who usually gets involved) that the request is offensive, we are invariably told that it is for our own protection. Most of the time, they just don't seem to understand how it is offensive. Is there anything that can be said to let them know that I really don't like being treated like a criminal when I'm trying to enhance their profit margin? I feel like I'm being rude to the clerks when I complain. I know it's not usually their fault (company policy), but that doesn't lessen the affront.

GENTLE READER: Here is how to lessen your feeling of offense:

Leave your credit card lying around some place where there are likely to be disreputable strangers. Then examine your next credit card bill. After that, Miss Manners suggests that you might want to make a sheepish apology to that insulting company.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My good friend, who lived in my hometown with me since I have known him, has now moved away and invited me to come visit him. I told him I would try. He then mentioned that he will have an extra bed for guests.

I politely declined and said, "No that's OK, I will just stay at a hotel."

He seemed offended that I even mentioned not staying with him and replied that he has plenty of room and I should not waste my money at a hotel. I was not sure that I would be able to visit him, so I quickly changed the subject.

Now that I will be able to visit him, I am going to call him to find a weekend that suits both our schedules. I would rather just stay at a hotel, but I know he will be offended if I mention this. He lives on the other side of the country, so a day trip is not possible.

GENTLE READER: Does he know what a difficult houseguest you are?

Now, Miss Manners is sure that you are considerate, neat and a joy to have around the house. But you wouldn't want to suggest that there is anything lacking in the hospitality that your old friend is generously offering. So you must take it on yourself.

After you thank him profusely and make it clear that you are only too eager to spend as much time with him as possible, you should add, "I'm afraid I would disturb you. I tend to get restless at night and I'm much better off in a hotel, where I can turn on the television or go sit in the lobby. Trust me, I'd love to stay with you otherwise, but I really don't think it's a good idea."

Lest your conscience actually keep you up for saying this, Miss Manners asks you to remind yourself that you have had restless nights, if only in infancy, and you have only said that you could turn on the television set or sit in the lobby, not that you are in the habit of doing so.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What would be the tactful way to say "no presents but a money tree" for a birthday party?

GENTLE READER: "Never mind all that junk -- just gimme your wallet."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I sometimes find myself in social gatherings where people are discussing some social or political issue with a single point of view clearly preferred by most or all other members of the group, when it is a point of view I cannot bring myself to share.

I am aware that sometimes (as in the case of climate change), this occurs because of my scientific background and my thus having certain knowledge that most people do not, while it sometimes (as with discussions involving sports) has more to do with in inclination toward contrariness, a character trait I am working, with so far limited success, to reduce.

My personality traits aside, is it rude to respectfully share a fact that flies in the face of the apparent group consensus?

An example: "You may not know this, but for the past few years, there has been a trend among scientists toward skepticism regarding global warming. Many feel the media is hyping the issue, and several have asked the U.N. to take their names off the report."

Or is it better to remain silent and allow the discussion to continue on its course with more and more agreement, though I find it sad that such lovely, well-educated people could hold such ill-informed opinions?

On a similar note, what of disabusing a friend of a charming but mistaken notion when he shares it with me? If you would indulge me in two actual examples, I shall illustrate:

He: I saw you riding your bike yesterday. That's great for your health.

Me: There was a "code orange" air pollution advisory yesterday, so it was probably bad for my health. But it's good for my sore knees, so I do it anyway.

He: I saw you riding your bike yesterday. That's great for reducing your carbon footprint.

Me: Actually, lots of cars put out less carbon dioxide per mile than I do, huffing and puffing down the street. I was riding because my office is only four blocks away, and I don't want to ruin my car with short trips.

My wife is (possibly properly) horrified by exchanges like this, while I feel it is not only being truthful, but also sharing information they might be able to use and apparently don't have. After all, I don't want to be responsible for encouraging them to do something that would have an effect opposite to the one they want.

Who's right?

GENTLE READER: It is not enough for you to supply the dialogue; Miss Manners would have to hear you speaking it and check out your audience.

She can imagine your words about the environment being said pleasantly, in the clear spirit of "Well, there is another side to this," in a free-wheeling conversation among dedicated but open-minded friends. The bicycle comments could be offered jovially, in the tone of I-only-wish.

But your wife's reaction worries Miss Manners. It seems only too likely that you are enjoying your dissentions far too much. That is your cue to stop.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Urgent before Thanksgiving: I just bought a beautiful soup tureen, but am ignorant of how to serve from it. Does it go on the dining room table, in front of the hostess' place? On the sideboard? In what order are the guests' plates filled?

GENTLE READER: Ahhh.

That soft sound you hear is Miss Manners sighing happily with the feeling of warmth and hospitality that the mere words "soup tureen" conjure. The jolly, pot-bellied shape, the shining porcelain, the escaping steam, the tantalizing odor....

What's that? Oh, you want to know where to put the silly thing. If there is room on the table in front of the hostess, the sight of her serving could be charming. If she has to lean over and dribble the soup across the table, the sideboard would be a better choice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attended an afternoon potluck put on by a community charity group. We live in a small town, and most of the approximately 50 people there knew each other at least in passing.

After lunch, the host announced we would break into teams for group games. He chose four organization members to be the captains. One of the captains asked if he would be allowed to pick his own team, and the host readily agreed with that.

Due to memories of being the last one picked as a child, I wanted to object to this methodology but couldn't think of a polite way to do it. The team captains then took turns choosing their favorites and sure enough, I was the last one picked.

I can assure you it was no less humiliating and painful as a 28-year-old than it was when I was 9. Was there any polite way that I could have suggested a different way?

GENTLE READER: You could have spoken up when the suggestion was made, saying, "Wait a minute! I was always picked last when I was a child." (At this point, you may be sure of a chorus of voices saying, "So was I.") "How about this time you pick the worst players first, so I don't have to go home and cry?"

What Miss Manners is recommending is a skill adults must acquire -- the ability to make a joke, or in some cases a novel, out of childhood embarrassments.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had the opportunity the other day to make dinner for my partner's parents upon their arrival from a 12-hour travel day. While the dinner took awhile to make, it turned out very well. The problem is that it was a recipe I had never tried before; my partner told me that her grandmother had said it was never OK to make a meal for the first time for guests, that one should always try it first. While I didn't get in trouble, of course, I am curious as to the validity of this way of thinking.

GENTLE READER: Ask her if Grandma is familiar with the saying "The proof is in the pudding."

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