DEAR MISS MANNERS: Many times, I will find myself in a group of people including a very young child or a very elderly person.

In an effort to engage either this junior or senior person in conversation (thinking I might be able to glean some wisdom from the older person), I will ask them some simple question.

Invariably, some well-meaning "buttinski" in the group, usually a parent or relative, will interrupt with an "I know, I know" answer to the question, appointing themself spokesperson for this individual, mindlessly pontificating and being oblivious to the fact that I'm not really looking for an answer to that simple question; I'm just trying to get this youngster or oldster to talk a bit.

How do the parents of young kids ever expect their kids to develop the art of conversation when they never let them answer for themselves, even if it's to the simplest of questions that they may happen to know the answer to?

How do I gently prepare the buttinskis of the world in advance so they don't feel free to jump in with answers to the simple questions I use to try to talk to a child or old person?

GENTLE READER: And what do you think?

No, Miss Manners is not shirking her job here by using that clever therapeutic technique of throwing the question back to the questioner so she can get back to woolgathering.

Rather, she is suggesting that after the wrong person has answered the question, you turn again to the person you had asked and repeat it. What you are doing is charming and important, and Miss Manners hopes that the repetition will not only begin a conversation but make your point to the person who tried to thwart it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had a conversation with a friend that has left me in a guilt-stew all day long. She and her 17-year-old daughter are coming to my house for Thanksgiving. None of us wants to cook, so we decided to order a commercially prepared Thanksgiving meal. The price came to $100-plus, and I said, "We're splitting this three ways, right? You're paying for you and your daughter, and I'm paying for myself."

Her response indicated that this was a surprise to her, as I am her daughter's "Auntie" Alice. I'm thinking, "And so?" What am I missing?

The girl and I are not close like family, though we get along well when we're in each other's presence. I rarely sign birthday cards "Auntie Alice" because Ijust don't feel like an aunt, and she doesn't call meanything, I'm assuming to avoid the Auntie label hermother applied to me.

She and her mother live about a three-hour drive away so we don't see each other frequently, and I never call the daughter nor she me. I might forward a funny e-mail to her, but that's aboutthe extent of our relationship.

Why do I feel guilty?! What I'm really asking is what did the situation call for?

GENTLE READER: You feel guilty because squabbling over money with guests whom you have invited to your house does not exactly come under the definition of What Thanksgiving Means to Me. Miss Manners suggests that in honor of the occasion, you let it go, saying graciously that you will allow your friend to get the bill next time.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Receiving a citation from a law enforcement officer, in person, is generally a very unpleasant surprise (for example, when being stopped for speeding). However, at the conclusion of such interaction, it seems dismissing the officer with a "thank you" after receipt of the citation is awkwardly impotent. I can think of no other appropriate -- yet polite and neutral phrase -- to dismiss the officer after such an involuntary transaction has transpired that would serve to acknowledge receipt, yet not necessarily be thankful for, such notice.

Does it not seem unreasonable to thank an authority for meting out punishment, warranted or otherwise? Or is saying "thank you" an immediate surcharge of swallowing one's pride in addition to the punitive charge being levied?

GENTLE READER: Are you telling Miss Manners that you do not feel grateful to the kind officer for rescuing you from potentially dangerous behavior?

If not, do you not see the advantage of two polite words that hint that you do? Miss Manners has never heard of a simple "thank you" being used in court as evidence of guilt.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Lately, whenever I eat in a restaurant, I find myself uncomfortable, as the waiters have begun asking something along the lines of "Does everything taste OK?" or "Does your food taste alright?"

I know it is a small difference from "Is everything alright?" - - which was mildly odd to me -- or the former "May I bring you anything?"

To be honest, I enjoyed eating out more when the waiter just quietly came around refilling water glasses and looking to see what might be required, while giving the opportunity for the customer to request anything that was not easily observed to be needed.

However, it seems those days are now gone and the "friend" who is "taking care of me" feels the need to inquire. However, asking me if "the food tastes OK?" seems to be a too detailed inquiry. Obviously, if the food tasted bad, I would discreetly bring it to the attention of the staff. At the same time, it seems to suggest that the kitchen, having tried to pass off spoiled food, has now sent the waiter around to find out if I noticed. At a recent dinner when I mentioned this, several people said that they thought it was polite and appropriate of the waiter to inquire in this way. Am I just being too fussy?

GENTLE READER: For not preferring your new friend the waiter to your older friends with whom you had hoped to converse?

Some day, Miss Manners is going to succeed in tracing the person who writes those waiter scripts that are suddenly adopted in every restaurant: "I'll be your waiter," "Are you still working on that?" "Enjoy" "Is everything all right?" and the mid-bite inquiry you report.

These are not utterances that sprang to their minds, and they are not as ingratiating as whoever mandated them seems to think. While it is important to have a waiter within reach -- or someone who can find your waiter -- it is annoying to have one interrupting your conversation, especially to prompt compliments. And while your mouth is full, at that.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am appalled by a Thanksgiving invitation I just received from my brother's wife's mother. I actually did not receive an invitation at all, but a demand to bring three bottles of wine.

But that is not my complaint. She also asked others in my family to bring the rest of the meal, including the turkey!

Miss Manners, please clarify for me, as I am frustrated that one would ask the attendees to provide the entire meal! I think this is audacious and simply tacky tacky tacky. I entertain all the time and never ask my guests to bring anything other than their presence.

To make matters worse, this "in-law" of mine is not the nicest lady in the world and has only agreed to have people to her home because my brother's home burned down -- otherwise, she would never have us over.

What do you think about all this? Should I refuse to go to this family gathering?

GENTLE READER: What? And miss all that family conviviality?

Miss Manners has always been a staunch opponent of the bait-and-switch invitation, by which people who are asked to come to dinner find out, after accepting, that the invitation was to come with dinner.

But Thanksgiving is somewhat different, and so are the particular circumstances of your family. Because it is often an abnormally oversized meal for a large number of people, Thanksgiving is not infrequently done as a cooperative meal. People who are used to that may believe this to be universal, which is it not.

Another possibility is that your brother and his wife asked her mother to hold the dinner because their house burned down -- not exactly a trivial excuse -- and that they assured her she wouldn't have to do anything because other relatives would bring the food.

In either case, it would be your brother who is at fault for not explaining the terms, not the lady whom you already dislike. If a meal is to be cooperative, rather than hosted, guests should be told that in time to claim that they have another engagement. Furthermore, they should be asked, not told, what to bring. Thanksgiving, especially, is an occasion for such guests to bring their grandmother's specialty, without which, they believe, the holiday cannot be celebrated.

But maybe, since it will be Thanksgiving (and you are already stuck accepting), you can remind yourself to be grateful that your brother was not incinerated and find it in your heart to forgive him.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am soon to be the proud father of the bride. My problem, though, is that my palms tend to perspire quite profusely, mostly because of humid conditions, but often when I am nervous or excited. I am dreading the moment at the wedding reception when I would be expected to shake hands with the many guests.

I wonder, is it accepted for a man to have gloves on in such a circumstance, or is there a way to avoid hand shaking all together without insulting these guests? Are there other solutions?

GENTLE READER: No gloves, but Miss Manners can recommend two other solutions. You could kiss all the ladies who go through the line and hug all the gentlemen. If you are normally reserved, they will put it down to the excitement of the occasion.

Your guests might, however, develop wet handprints on their backs, but these are likely to have evaporated by the time they get home and examine their clothes.

Or you could just keep a handkerchief in each pocket and slip your hands in for a quick wipe between shakes.

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