DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in my 50s, have never been married and I have no children, sisters, nieces or nephews. Being the only granddaughter, I inherited two diamond engagement rings from my grandmothers. They both have great sentimental value to me.

Would it be improper to wear them on my right-hand fingers? It's a waste to let nice rings just sit in a box. The only other (expensive) solution would be to take the stones out and reset them in a pendent necklace or something like that. I would rather just wear them as rings, as long as it doesn't cause people to ask questions like: "Why are you wearing an engagement ring on your right hand?"

GENTLE READER: Although she is not responsible for the foolish remarks people make, Miss Manners must point out that these are not engagement rings when you are wearing them, as indeed you should do. Not every diamond solitaire is an engagement ring (nor are all engagement rings diamonds).

An engagement ring is one that is given to a lady by her future husband. What you have were your grandmothers' engagement rings, but now they are family rings, which is all you need say when asked, although you may want to tell friends their charming history.

But wearing two such rings might also prompt you to say, "Well, as you probably guessed, I'm trying them out, to see which gentleman I should marry."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I left my former husband 20 years ago, as he was emotionally abusive and I could no longer abide his bad temper. He was outraged at my "desertion" to the point that five years later, when my stepdaughter was married, he told her that if I came to the wedding, he would not attend.

We have both remarried, but my stepdaughter and I have kept in touch. She has kept this a secret from her father, and, when she and her family come to see us, it, too, is a secret from the children's grandfather.

He has recently been diagnosed with a terminal illness. When and if he should succumb to his disease, I would like to be of support to my stepdaughter, as she has spent her life trying to live up to his expectations, and I know that she will take his death very hard.

Is it bad form for my husband and I to go to the viewing and or funeral? I want to be there for my stepdaughter but do not want to cause any distress for my ex-husband's current wife.

GENTLE READER: Unless your stepdaughter begs you to attend, and perhaps even then, this is a case where respect for the deceased (who, after all, is not yet deceased) suggests absenting yourself from the funeral, as you have reason to know would be his wish.

Yes, yes, Miss Manners knows you only want to go to support the daughter. But you could be causing her additional stress, knowing that her father and possibly also his wife would not want you there. The inevitable lull after the initial mourning rites have finished is the proper time for you to show your support for your stepdaughter.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a small dinner party, the hospitality was excellent except for one problem: As we sat down to dinner, the hostess called me "George."

This is not my name.

I did not want to embarrass her by correcting her, so I let it pass. I assumed that one of the other two guests (one of whom was my wife) would discreetly set things right by addressing me by my actual name in front of the hostess, or by whispering in the hostess's ear in the kitchen.

This did not happen, and, not only did the hostess keep addressing me as George with increasing frequency, but her husband (who has got my name right in the past) began to call me George as well.

I felt that you cannot correct someone for calling you "George" for the 11th time when you've let it pass the previous 10 times, so I just became George for the evening.

What should I have done?

GENTLE READER: Well, George -- oops. But by your own admission, you do answer to it. And then you keep re-enforcing it by repeating the wrong name. The poor old human brain, particularly one in the dinner-party mode, needs more of a jolt to adjust itself.

Unless you learn to make a polite but memorable correction, you might as well give up and change your name.

At the hostess's first mistake, it was your job to do the whispering, to avoid giving her the double embarrassment of apologizing first to your wife and then to you. After getting the lady's attention by looking at her blankly in response to the wrong name, you could have said, "Actually, I'm called Derek. D-E-R-E-K."

Note Miss Manners' wording. It leaves room for the hostess to think that you used to be called George, but are now going by your middle name or stage name or motorcycle gang name.

By the time the husband picked up the mistake, it was in danger of spreading from his end of the table to hers, so you needed a more dramatic correction. The way to make that polite would have been to embed it in a compliment.

"I don't know who George is," you might have said jovially, "but Derek here (pointing to yourself) feels very lucky to be representing him at this delightful dinner. It's a wonderful evening, and I want to thank Zoe and Zachery (this would be a good time to get their names right) for having us."

To follow this up, you should be the one to write the thank you letter, signing it with only your first name. If this leaves the hosts asking each other who on earth Derek is, puzzling out the answer will make your proper identity stick in their minds.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Why did wedding receptions begin to require masters of ceremonies? And what exactly do they do that wasn't being done before?

GENTLE READER: They narrate the event, giving fanfare introductions, public instructions and calls for applause. Why people will pay to have a formal party with their relatives and friends turned into something between an awards ceremony and a reality TV show, Miss Manners cannot imagine.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: This winter, I will be participating in a debutante ball, and, in accordance with tradition, my parents are hosting a cocktail party at our home a few weeks prior to the ball. Looking around at the way people present themselves these days, we are concerned about making sure that our guests understand that even though it is at our house, this is to be a formal party.

What is the best way to communicate that on the invitation? Should we say "coat and tie" or "cocktail attire" or something entirely different?

Secondly, have you discovered any wording that induces people to actually respond to an invitation, because, in my experience, the typical R.S.V.P. is not effective.

I wish these were not issues, but it seems that this is what society requires.

GENTLE READER: You couldn't wish this half as much as Miss Manners does. A society that cannot agree on the simplest things, such as how to dress on specific occasions, or whether to comply with the most obvious necessities, such as letting a host know whether or not you plan to show up, exists (as Miss Manners knows only too well) in a state of annoyance.

Dress terms, even apparently simple ones, are so widely interpreted as to be meaningless. Does "formal" mean evening clothes or just making sure you are wearing shoes? Does "informal" (or that awful word, "casual") mean real suits or sweat suits?

Miss Manners suggests that instead of dealing with the problem by stating a code, you try making people realize that this is a special enough occasion that those who don't know the appropriate dress had better ask you.

To this end, your invitations should be simple, traditional and correct. No funny colors or do-dads on the cards, no dumbing down the third-person wording. The event should not be called a cocktail party -- if you are a debutante, you are legally too young to drink -- but a tea. And you must address your guests by their full names -- no nicknames -- with honorifics.

The only wording that you can be reasonably sure will get a response is on a court summons.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In my profession, I work with many elderly folks. Lord knows I love and respect them and appreciate that their business provides my livelihood, but it gets irritating to hear the same sanctimonious cliches over and over. Examples: "Well I'm ____ years old and won't be around much longer" and "I'm so old I don't even buy green bananas anymore."

These are meant to elicit sympathy or attention because I already know their age.

Can you suggest a gentle rejoinder? Or should I continue to bite my tongue and say something like I've always said, "Well I hope you're gonna be around for a lot longer"? Sometimes I'm tempted to say, "Well, we're all gonna die sometime," but that seems a bit cynical.

GENTLE READER: Not really.

Well, yes, really we are all going to die sometime, Miss Manners supposes, although she, like you, prefers not to dwell on that. But it does not strike her as particularly cynical for you to generalize about the announcements that are regularly and rather tediously put before you.

It is not a smart remark you need, because there is no point in continuing the topic. What you need is patience and the ability to get in first with conversation openers of your own.

Old people are particularly noted for repeating themselves, but the fact is that nearly everyone has a set patter that is supposed to pass for wit when nothing else presents itself. Start something else, even if it is only "Was that your granddaughter I saw with you?" Or "Have you been getting Internet service today, because I'm having trouble?"

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