DEAR MISS MANNERS: My beau and I just met a wonderful married couple we bonded with who enjoy inviting us to their home for barbecue dinners they prepare for us. As we get along famously, they invite us often (two or three times a week) and lavishly serve us filets with shrimp or fish. Dessert is as five-star as the wine and the meals are surely expensive!

Our problem is neither of us can reciprocate for dinner in our separate homes to show our thanks, due to family medical issues. We try to offer expensive wine or to pay but are told "no way, it would be an insult!" They have a huge inventory of fine wine and want only to share with their new good friends!

We find it difficult to refuse their invitations since we enjoy their company so much, as well. Are we correct to appreciate their friendship and generosity, as they want us to, or should we fraudulently refuse politely in order not to indulge ourselves of the situation? Is it proper etiquette to refuse the regular invites of our hosts or not? And how can we repay them in kind without insulting them?

GENTLE READER: These people are feeding you lavishly two or three times a week? Are you sure they haven't taken out adoption papers?

Ordinarily, Miss Manners would insist that you reciprocate their invitations. That you would not be able to entertain in their style does not matter in the least. No doubt they like to go out occasionally, and since they like you, they would enjoy being let into your lives.

But if that is not possible because you have sick relatives at home, you will have to be especially thoughtful about other ways to please them. Contributing wine or food is obviously superfluous.

Perhaps you could bring them books or films that might interest them. Or you could pick up on some project you hear them mention and offer to help -- hauling gardening supplies, driving them to and from the theater, fixing their computer problems, taking their house guests sightseeing, or whatever it is that they may be relieved not to have to do themselves. They have been treating you as if you were family, and family members do not pay for their meals, but are supposed to pitch in and help.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am at an age where too often I hear that a friend or acquaintance is under the care of hospice. I am never quite sure how to acknowledge this. If he/she is not a close friend but someone I might see at parties or chat with in the grocery, what is appropriate? I'd like to send a card or note, but what do I say?

GENTLE READER: Please stay away from cards, Miss Manners begs you. This is a situation in which anything along the lines of "get well" will seem bitterly ironic. A personal sentiment is required, although it could be as simple as "I've missed running into you at the grocery, and want you to know I am thinking of you."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Yesterday night, my mother wanted to have a "little talk," so I listened to what she had to say. It was that this past weekend, at a family picnic with my boyfriend present, apparently I was a little more hands-on than what she prefers. I will respect her wishes and not be to touchy with him.

The only thing that bothers me is, it's not that I am inappropriately touching him, all I do is either hold his hand, rub his back or have my hand on his arm. I am not doing anything to embarrass myself or him.

She said the way I am with him in a family setting lets them see how we are when it is just him and I in a different setting, which I did not appreciate at all, but they are assuming I am like that when I am around him, which I am not.

The only reason I am like that is because the last time I was as close to someone like I am with him, he was killed in a car accident, and I am afraid that the last time I see him is going to be the last. And God forbid if something were to happen, I just want to be able to remember what he felt like.

It had taken me awhile to get close to people because it scares me that something dreadful and permanent could happen without warning. Am I inappropriately touching in a family setting?

GENTLE READER: Apparently. And your explanation, although poignant, does not excuse your being rude to others.

Miss Manners believes that this is the point that your mother was trying to make. It is not only that by giving your beau a public backrub, you invite others to violate your privacy involuntarily. It is also that you make them feel as if you wish they were not around. And while it may indeed be the case that you would rather be alone with him than at a family party, conveying that to others is rude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I own many books, and some guests mistake us for a library with no due date. Dinner guests ask to borrow a book or three. Overnight guests peruse our shelves for something to read on the plane. When I try to gently dissuade the loan ("I haven't read it yet, myself") or collect the book at a later date, I'm made to feel stingy.

Our books are used for research, reread in part or in full and, yes, willingly loaned to friends on occasion. Books we no longer use are given to charity by the dozen. But our books are not party favors. Please help. What can I do?

GENTLE READER: Learn to say no. Or rather, "No, I'm so sorry; we use our books all the time and never lend them out," while plucking the volume out of the guest's hands. You have Miss Manners' assurance that anyone who makes you feel rude for not surrendering your property is the one being rude.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Should manners and etiquette be taught in school, and why or why not?

I am asking because I read generational research into the younger generation, where it was mentioned that many in the younger generation are lacking in etiquette skills. I am noticing that every day there is an erosion in manners in society. I see it on the Internet, in public, at school, in customer service and many other places.

I believe that if this were taught as part of the general-ed curriculum in each and every school in America, we would see an improvement.

Do you agree or disagree with this, and why or why not?

GENTLE READER: You are not a school teacher, are you?

If you were, you would not be quite so blithe about giving these overworked people responsibility for yet another failing of society.

In fact, teachers are already saddled with teaching manners, simply because that is a prerequisite for learning anything else. Children who cannot sit quietly and listen and who do not have respect for authority cannot learn. And a great many are showing up in school without those simple skills.

Miss Manners normally sympathizes with parents, as well as with teachers. But this is a crucial part of child-rearing, and shirking it has serious repercussions for society. Furthermore, she has noticed that it is not, as is commonly believed, always the proverbial single teenaged parent with two jobs who neglects to administer this. It can equally well be two middle-aged corporate lawyers with a nanny who cannot bear to restrict their child's freedom or spoil their quality time with him by imposing rules.

The result is that teachers are trying to do parental work as well as their own. And often without the support, and perhaps even with the opposition, of the parents.

So yes, Miss Manners believes that in the present state of society, manners will have to be taught in school, although not the general refinements you would like. It will be hard enough to make and enforce rules for civilized behavior at school.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My stepdaughter's wedding reception is at her mother's house, and I don't know if I'm just feeling weird about attending her reception at my husband's ex-wife's home.

I thought it truly distasteful for her to plan that, knowing my husband and his ex's past has not been good. I know he will go and be polite and nice, but I will have to sit there and bite my lip because all the while his ex will be telling people how they paid for everything and he did nothing. We have not been asked to help in any way but provide items for decorations.

I tried to suggest a reception for her mother's family and her fiance's family and a smaller one with us and her father's family closer to home (which all families are very large in number). Am I freaking out for no reason?

GENTLE READER: You have a reason, just not one that is a valid basis for complaint.

Your stepdaughter must think of it merely as her mother's house, a natural place to have one's wedding reception (and a lot more so than a rented castle, or whatever others are doing now). It seems to Miss Manners that if your husband can manage to be polite, surely you should be able to do so. A bitten lip is preferable to a bitter family.

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