DEAR MISS MANNERS: Yesterday night, my mother wanted to have a "little talk," so I listened to what she had to say. It was that this past weekend, at a family picnic with my boyfriend present, apparently I was a little more hands-on than what she prefers. I will respect her wishes and not be to touchy with him.

The only thing that bothers me is, it's not that I am inappropriately touching him, all I do is either hold his hand, rub his back or have my hand on his arm. I am not doing anything to embarrass myself or him.

She said the way I am with him in a family setting lets them see how we are when it is just him and I in a different setting, which I did not appreciate at all, but they are assuming I am like that when I am around him, which I am not.

The only reason I am like that is because the last time I was as close to someone like I am with him, he was killed in a car accident, and I am afraid that the last time I see him is going to be the last. And God forbid if something were to happen, I just want to be able to remember what he felt like.

It had taken me awhile to get close to people because it scares me that something dreadful and permanent could happen without warning. Am I inappropriately touching in a family setting?

GENTLE READER: Apparently. And your explanation, although poignant, does not excuse your being rude to others.

Miss Manners believes that this is the point that your mother was trying to make. It is not only that by giving your beau a public backrub, you invite others to violate your privacy involuntarily. It is also that you make them feel as if you wish they were not around. And while it may indeed be the case that you would rather be alone with him than at a family party, conveying that to others is rude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I own many books, and some guests mistake us for a library with no due date. Dinner guests ask to borrow a book or three. Overnight guests peruse our shelves for something to read on the plane. When I try to gently dissuade the loan ("I haven't read it yet, myself") or collect the book at a later date, I'm made to feel stingy.

Our books are used for research, reread in part or in full and, yes, willingly loaned to friends on occasion. Books we no longer use are given to charity by the dozen. But our books are not party favors. Please help. What can I do?

GENTLE READER: Learn to say no. Or rather, "No, I'm so sorry; we use our books all the time and never lend them out," while plucking the volume out of the guest's hands. You have Miss Manners' assurance that anyone who makes you feel rude for not surrendering your property is the one being rude.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Should manners and etiquette be taught in school, and why or why not?

I am asking because I read generational research into the younger generation, where it was mentioned that many in the younger generation are lacking in etiquette skills. I am noticing that every day there is an erosion in manners in society. I see it on the Internet, in public, at school, in customer service and many other places.

I believe that if this were taught as part of the general-ed curriculum in each and every school in America, we would see an improvement.

Do you agree or disagree with this, and why or why not?

GENTLE READER: You are not a school teacher, are you?

If you were, you would not be quite so blithe about giving these overworked people responsibility for yet another failing of society.

In fact, teachers are already saddled with teaching manners, simply because that is a prerequisite for learning anything else. Children who cannot sit quietly and listen and who do not have respect for authority cannot learn. And a great many are showing up in school without those simple skills.

Miss Manners normally sympathizes with parents, as well as with teachers. But this is a crucial part of child-rearing, and shirking it has serious repercussions for society. Furthermore, she has noticed that it is not, as is commonly believed, always the proverbial single teenaged parent with two jobs who neglects to administer this. It can equally well be two middle-aged corporate lawyers with a nanny who cannot bear to restrict their child's freedom or spoil their quality time with him by imposing rules.

The result is that teachers are trying to do parental work as well as their own. And often without the support, and perhaps even with the opposition, of the parents.

So yes, Miss Manners believes that in the present state of society, manners will have to be taught in school, although not the general refinements you would like. It will be hard enough to make and enforce rules for civilized behavior at school.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My stepdaughter's wedding reception is at her mother's house, and I don't know if I'm just feeling weird about attending her reception at my husband's ex-wife's home.

I thought it truly distasteful for her to plan that, knowing my husband and his ex's past has not been good. I know he will go and be polite and nice, but I will have to sit there and bite my lip because all the while his ex will be telling people how they paid for everything and he did nothing. We have not been asked to help in any way but provide items for decorations.

I tried to suggest a reception for her mother's family and her fiance's family and a smaller one with us and her father's family closer to home (which all families are very large in number). Am I freaking out for no reason?

GENTLE READER: You have a reason, just not one that is a valid basis for complaint.

Your stepdaughter must think of it merely as her mother's house, a natural place to have one's wedding reception (and a lot more so than a rented castle, or whatever others are doing now). It seems to Miss Manners that if your husband can manage to be polite, surely you should be able to do so. A bitten lip is preferable to a bitter family.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: On a job application or any application, when does one check the divorce box versus the single one? I say you're divorced for one year and check the divorced box, then you are to check the single box. One can't be divorced forever. Some people with kids prefer to use the divorced box, but one should use the single box if they are single.

GENTLE READER: The rule you propose is better than the common practice, Miss Manners admits -- the one by which a formerly married lady is called a divorcee forever, while the former husband immediately reverts to being a bachelor.

Still, you don't get to make up the rules. Well, socially, you do. But even Miss Manners does not get to mess with legal terms. If you tire of being single and are asked your status on a marriage license application, she is afraid that you have to come clean.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I just received an invitation for our 60th-year high school class reunion -- yeah, I'm 78 and not accepting aging gracefully. I still exercise, eat healthy and stay mentally active.

The reunion will be held during the daylight hours -- probably since most of us remaining don't/can't drive at night. There will be a sit-down dinner with entertainment and "visiting" following.

Since many of us can't consume a whole dinner (as opposed to a buffet, where we could choose how much or what we want to eat), would it be proper to take along a plastic food bag to take home the food we can't eat from the served dinner, and which would otherwise be thrown out?

I understand the reasoning -- a lot of people our age would rather be "served" than go to a buffet. At restaurants with served-portion dinners, I usually take along a plastic container to take home what I can't eat or ask for one and don't feel the least embarrassed. (After all, I paid for it.)

But I don't know the protocol at reunions/receptions/banquets. That "overstuffed" feeling after my "eating's worth" is horrible and certainly doesn't contribute to a good night's sleep or weight control.

If this is construed as "cheap," so be it. Being a "Depression baby," I just hate to waste food or anything else! Besides, if it tasted good the first time, I'm sure it will taste as good or better the second time. What are your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: That this would be a good time for you to get in touch with the organizing committee and suggest that they order smaller portions, at least as an option. If you call them Health Servings or Youth Plates, everyone will want them.

Miss Manners will take you at your word that you wouldn't mind your classmates' getting up a collection so that you can afford to buy food. But while doggie bags are acceptable when buying one's own dinner at a restaurant, they are much less so on social occasions for which you have paid and utterly wrong when you have a host.

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