DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband passed away at the end of last year, and I want to know what is the protocol for a female spouse in mourning as far as wearing black or mourning colors. Can you tell me how long I should wear my wedding band, or can I continue to wear it?

GENTLE READER: No, and neither can anyone else.

Yes, Miss Manners knows that etiquette used to be in this in a big way. In high Victorian times, two and a half years in mourning were prescribed for a widow: total black with a dull finish (a satiny surface was considered too exciting) for a year and a day; then black silk and black ribbons, laces and jewelry were allowed; and in the final six months, called half-mourning, one could go wild with touches of mauve or lavender.

As different degrees of mourning were also observed for all sorts of other relatives, you can imagine that the Victorian lady had no desire for Little Black Dresses in her ordinary wardrobe. (Those who present historical dramas do not seem to be able to imagine this, and supposedly festive scenes, in plays, films and opera, are commonly costumed as if the guests' families had all been mowed down.)

Such mourning practices were overthrown, not only because they were unduly cumbersome and depressing, but because of the scope of World War I casualties. But (as usual) it was not long before society went to the opposite extreme, wiping out all forms of mourning until even the funeral is now supposed to be cheerful and upbeat.

But mourning rituals serve a purpose. They comfort the bereaved, in providing a sign of respect for the dead, and they protect them from people who want to explain the stages of grief to them.

It seems to Miss Manners that sensible mourning, in modern times, would be black clothes during the time that you do not want to have people urging you to get over it and behave as before, and then quiet colors until you feel ready to re-enter normal social life.

Whether you ever remove your wedding ring is entirely up to you. The only thing the Victorians had to say on the subject was that it should absolutely be done by the morning of a wedding ceremony with a subsequent gentleman.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a young teenage daughter who is with child, and we have found that strangers will approach her and ask her how old she is, whether she has sought medical attention for her "condition" and how involved the child's father is.

Her response is to be defensive, or attack with vulgarity those questioning her, and I find myself wanting to do the same, though I don't.

GENTLE READER: Indeed, that would confirm the impression that your daughter is -- as the automatic phrase once was -- in trouble, warranting outside interference.

Rather, Miss Manners suggests a sweet smile, along with "Please excuse me, but I'm planning to teach my child not to let strangers get personal with him, so I had better practice that myself."

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently purchased a condo for the first time. All of my friends are either renting or still living with their parents. Many of them have been supportive of and excited for me. They all cannot wait until I have a housewarming party.

The problem is that I'm going to be financially tight after my settlement and closing. I would be happy to spend a little extra money for food and drinks for a small party if I knew that I'd be getting something in return.

However, I'm not sure my friends necessarily realize that it is customary to bring the homeowner gifts at such a party. Also, I fear that the gifts they do bring will be relatively unnecessary and useless; after all, how are people in their early 20s supposed to know what a homeowner needs and what is proper? What should I do?

GENTLE READER: You would be misleading your well-wishers to characterize the event you suggest as a party. It sounds to Miss Manners more like a real estate event at which drinks are served in the hope of encouraging warm feelings and fuzzy thinking that might lead to putting money into a questionable deal.

Your friends apparently already have warm feelings toward you. Whether they, who cannot yet afford to buy homes of their own, would like to help pay for yours, Miss Manners cannot say. It does not strike her as a good deal for an investment in friendship.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the subway I ride to work, the cars are frequently very crowded. Occasionally, I will find myself in a position where the only pole that is available for me to hold onto is being entirely occupied by one person, who is leaning against it.

As I have always understood it, leaning against a pole, rather than grasping it, is a violation of subway etiquette, at least when the car is crowded.

In the past, I have usually just grasped the pole as I could, and hoped that the feeling of my knuckles digging into the person's back would cause them to turn around and hold onto the pole with their hand, freeing pole space and me from the necessity of touching a stranger. However, this method doesn't often seem to work.

Is there a polite way to confront these violators? After all, it is another breach of subway etiquette to speak to strangers (unless there is an unusual event, of course). On the occasions when I have tried a gentle request not to lean, I have usually met with hostility.

GENTLE READER: There are words you can always say to strangers, and they begin with "Excuse me, please." Miss Manners is surprised that you consider speaking to be ruder than digging your knuckles into someone's back.

The reaction you are getting is not because subway riders are offended at being addressed by someone to whom they have not been properly introduced. They are defensive because you are criticizing them.

What you should say instead is, "Excuse me, may I hold on here please?" Even loungers tend to be cooperative when they are asked to help.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What would our 19th-century etiquette forebears think of the modern notion of hitting "talk" on the cell phone while in a public restroom, shouting against the background noise of liquid flowing?

GENTLE READER: Probably "My stars! Indoor privies!"

: