DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently purchased a condo for the first time. All of my friends are either renting or still living with their parents. Many of them have been supportive of and excited for me. They all cannot wait until I have a housewarming party.

The problem is that I'm going to be financially tight after my settlement and closing. I would be happy to spend a little extra money for food and drinks for a small party if I knew that I'd be getting something in return.

However, I'm not sure my friends necessarily realize that it is customary to bring the homeowner gifts at such a party. Also, I fear that the gifts they do bring will be relatively unnecessary and useless; after all, how are people in their early 20s supposed to know what a homeowner needs and what is proper? What should I do?

GENTLE READER: You would be misleading your well-wishers to characterize the event you suggest as a party. It sounds to Miss Manners more like a real estate event at which drinks are served in the hope of encouraging warm feelings and fuzzy thinking that might lead to putting money into a questionable deal.

Your friends apparently already have warm feelings toward you. Whether they, who cannot yet afford to buy homes of their own, would like to help pay for yours, Miss Manners cannot say. It does not strike her as a good deal for an investment in friendship.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the subway I ride to work, the cars are frequently very crowded. Occasionally, I will find myself in a position where the only pole that is available for me to hold onto is being entirely occupied by one person, who is leaning against it.

As I have always understood it, leaning against a pole, rather than grasping it, is a violation of subway etiquette, at least when the car is crowded.

In the past, I have usually just grasped the pole as I could, and hoped that the feeling of my knuckles digging into the person's back would cause them to turn around and hold onto the pole with their hand, freeing pole space and me from the necessity of touching a stranger. However, this method doesn't often seem to work.

Is there a polite way to confront these violators? After all, it is another breach of subway etiquette to speak to strangers (unless there is an unusual event, of course). On the occasions when I have tried a gentle request not to lean, I have usually met with hostility.

GENTLE READER: There are words you can always say to strangers, and they begin with "Excuse me, please." Miss Manners is surprised that you consider speaking to be ruder than digging your knuckles into someone's back.

The reaction you are getting is not because subway riders are offended at being addressed by someone to whom they have not been properly introduced. They are defensive because you are criticizing them.

What you should say instead is, "Excuse me, may I hold on here please?" Even loungers tend to be cooperative when they are asked to help.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What would our 19th-century etiquette forebears think of the modern notion of hitting "talk" on the cell phone while in a public restroom, shouting against the background noise of liquid flowing?

GENTLE READER: Probably "My stars! Indoor privies!"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last night, when I was shopping in a nationally known, chain-type drugstore in my neighborhood, I noticed three different signs that contained misspellings.

These were the kind of signs that are input by someone into a computer, and then are generated by the computer into a professional-looking typed sign. They were very large and noticeable signs.

When I saw the first misspelled sign, I mentioned it to a young lady who was working in one of the nearby aisles, and she and I both laughed about it. Later, when two more came to my attention, I started feeling like it wasn't that funny.

I work as a proofreader and editor, and it disappoints me to see so many mistakes regarding the English language. Would it be rude to call the store and mention the mistakes to the manager, in a polite way, of course? Part of me believes that I would be remiss if I did not bring the matter to someone's attention.

GENTLE READER: The desire to lead the entire world to correctness is an urge with which Miss Manners has the greatest sympathy. Even if leads to proofreading your drugstore.

But neither of us can run around insulting people, which is what an amazing number of people do when they detect errors, little thinking that they are committing worse errors in so doing.

This applies to correcting individuals, however, not institutions. So you may inform those in authority to act (which the salesperson you approached probably was not) on mistakes of which you sympathetically know they would want to be aware.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is accommodating a single woman into a group of several couples enough of a headache to make the couples not want to make the effort, and, if so, why?

I have been a female member of such a group for the past 16 years. For the first half, I was married, but for most of the second half, I have been single. At first, I was an active participant in most group activities, but over the past three or four years, my status has slowly wound down to that of "fifth wheel."

I now see my old friends at an occasional holiday party or dinner at one of the houses, or one-on-one lunches with the wives once or twice a year. While this has been happening, due to slips of tongues and e-mail comments, I am forced to learn of a fair number of group get-togethers that I had not known about or been a part of.

I promise that the only reason I can imagine that I have been separated from the main group activities is my single status, and frankly, since these people were such good friends for so long, I am puzzled. What does Miss Manners suggest for a lady who finds herself disheartened and exhausted trying to figure out what she should do about this situation?

GENTLE READER: For reasons ranging from cruel thoughtlessness to nasty suspicions, it is not uncommon for couples to drop someone who becomes single.

But it can also happen out of excess compassion. The gentlemen refuse to allow the single lady to contribute to the expenses of outing, and then get tired of paying for her. Or the ladies feel they should find her a date for the evening and can't.

In any case, doing something about it is preferable to brooding. Miss Manners recommends your putting aside hurt feelings and issuing invitations and excursion suggestions to these people until they resume the habit of including you.

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