DEAR MISS MANNERS: The week before I planned a Sunday picnic, I worked very hard getting my backyard all weeded and flower-filled. I pride myself on my little "English Garden" and couldn't wait to entertain in it. We decided to start late in the day (4 p.m.) so that all the neighbors would have their noisy mowing, etc., done.

My company came, we gathered our drinks and the hors d'oeuvres and settled ourselves outside. That's when my neighbor, whose backyard abuts ours, cranked up his power washer. In all fairness, we have a 6-foot fence, and I really believe he didn't see us.

Nevertheless, we could not hear each other talk, and it really put a cramp in my plans. My husband tried to get the guy's attention (to no avail) to ask him to please shut it down for an hour. The rest of us protested this, since (I guess) everyone has a right to do whatever they please on their own property.

So we all trooped back inside. An hour or so later, when the noise stopped, my husband (furious by this time) went over and told the neighbor (angrily) that he had ruined our picnic. And, of course, now we have bad blood between us.

I think we did the mannerly thing by going inside and just trying to make the best of it. And I think my husband was wrong in losing his temper with Mr. Neighbor, yet I really don't blame him. I was mad, too.

Did we have the right to ask him to shut down so that we could picnic in peace and quiet? After all, it WAS a Sunday. Isn't there some unwritten manners rule about making that kind of noise on a Sunday? What should we have done?

GENTLE READER: Why couldn't you have gotten your neighbor's attention by going over, tapping him on the shoulder and saying "Excuse me" before asking him, as a favor, to use his power washer later?

And why are you carrying on about rights instead of courtesies? A right, it seems to Miss Manners, would be to have a peaceful neighborhood, and your husband's action worked against that.

As you acknowledge, your neighbor was unaware of your party, which was held long after the hours on which it is understood that noise (including party noise) might disturb those who sleep late. You have no reason to suppose that he might not have complied with your request had it been delivered courteously. An apology from your husband is now in order.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The service people that come to my home -- handymen, repairmen, food delivery, etc. -- all seem to think I want to hear about their lives, their health and even their pets. I feel as though I am being held captive and paying for it as well.

I don't want to be rude because I need the services they were hired to do, but I think they are rude for using my time. I do not want to be their friend, and I am not interested in their lives. All I want is for them to provide the service they have been hired to do. Is there a polite way to get this message across without coming on too strong?

GENTLE READER: "That's very interesting. Now I'm afraid I have to get to work, too. I'll be right within. Call if you need me."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have already decided upon the name of our soon-to-be-born second child; however, we plan to call her by a shortened version of her first name.

Is it appropriate to put the nickname on the birth announcement cards in quotation marks, or should we just wait to tell people personally? Neither name is particularly common, so the shortened name would not be immediately obvious, as it is with names like Kate/Katherine.

I know that you would most prefer that I handwrite the announcements on my stationary, but with an older child who will be just 17 months when blessing number two arrives, this is a task not likely to be completed before the new baby enters nursery school. I do promise to write my thank you notes on time and without the use of preprinted thank you cards, though.

GENTLE READER: A moderately grateful Miss Manners believes that this will be time enough to mention the nickname. They are unlikely to hold extensive correspondence with your child before that.

But she would like to remind you, in your dealings with others, that nicknames are never obvious, and it is always rude to assume them without specific knowledge. Katherine could just as easily be known as Kathy, Kay or Mildred (her middle name). Or Speedy (never mind).

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At my place of employment, where we have all women, it is common practice to pool money to buy gifts for each other's special events, such as weddings, baby showers, etc.

It is not mandatory or pressured, and it is made clear that you may or may not contribute without anyone being ostracized. You may give as little or as much as you want, or you may choose not to give at all, and you still are included in signing a card for the recipient.

This works well in general, but we have one person who feels the need to give an "extra something" gift if the occasion is to benefit management. No one ever gets an "extra" gift from her unless they are someone in a position of authority.

We all feel that this is obvious brown-nosing, including the management. The offense is particularly annoying because it is done at the presenting of the pool gift giving and not done discreetly and privately. No one can decide why it is bothersome, but it tends to ruffle feathers each time.

This has gone on for eight years, with various people in managerial positions. The last time, I wanted to tell the offender in private that this is improper and hurtful to the others, but knew there would be repercussions, as she would go to management and complain that I was causing upset. The bigger offense would then be mine, I'm sure. No one seems to know what to do, if anything, but we feel this is improper nonetheless. What is your opinion?

GENTLE READER: That the problem is not yours, nor is it your other colleagues'. This has been going on for eight years, and everyone is on to the motive. You have not told Miss Manners that it has resulted in this person's raking in the raises and promotions, in which case you would have a formal complaint. She suspects that rather it has resulted in the recipients' characterizing their employee in the same unfortunate term that you use.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our neighborhood holds a party each August or September for all residents to gather in someone's yard and enjoy potluck and amiable conversation. Five or six of us usually organize it and take turns offering our yards. Most people in the neighborhood come most years.

When it is in my yard, I always use my "outdoor" place settings and cloth napkins. I expect to wash and launder these items myself, as I do with other parties we have with family or friends. However, my neighbors have never allowed me to do so. They insist on entering my kitchen uninvited and helping me clean up. When it is in someone else's yard, paper goods are always used. I have never criticized this practice.

This year, I could not attend the planning meeting. One of the women called me to ask if the party could be in my yard. After I said "yes," she told me we need to use paper goods so clean up is not a hardship on anyone.

Is it to rude for me to tell the neighbors I have changed my plan? Another friend and I would like to hold a birthday party for her daughter and family in my yard on the designated evening instead. Only part of my motivation is to avoid having my manners dictated to me.

GENTLE READER: Really? And yet you want to throw your own yard party, which they will all be able to see and yet are presumably not invited to attend, on the very day you had agreed to have theirs?

Were you planning on moving soon?

If not, Miss Manners can suggest less provocative ways of dealing with the two problems you raise.

The first is to apologize that you didn't realize that the date chosen is your friend's daughter's birthday, and say that you would be happy to have the neighborhood party if they could please move it to a different date.

The second is merely to state firmly that although you always use your own flatware and napkins, you want to reassure everyone that that you actually prefer to do the cleaning up yourself, and only want them to attend and enjoy themselves.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It is not uncommon for employees under my supervision to approach me to ask me a question while in the process of consuming a snack, asking the question with a mouth full of food.

What can I say to deter this? I've thought of saying that I'd be happy to answer the question after the employee is finished with his/her snack, but I'm concerned that this will result in hurt feelings. I've also thought of claiming, in an apologetic tone, that I have trouble understanding what people are saying when they are speaking with food in their mouths, but I'm concerned that this approach might not get the point across sufficiently directly to ensure that it doesn't happen again.

I can't take it much longer!

GENTLE READER: And you needn't. Miss Manners reminds you that the polite thing to say before you turn away is, "I don't want to interrupt your lunch. Let's talk when you've finished eating."

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