DEAR MISS MANNERS: We live in a fairly affluent neighborhood in a woodsy suburb of a major city. At least a couple times per year, trees fall during storms, causing a power outage, some of which last an extended period of time.

Like a few other residents of this neighborhood, we purchased a backup generator, which automatically supplies power when there is an outage.

A neighbor with whom we are cordial but do not socialize began appearing at our door during these outages and requesting to use our refrigerator, our bathroom to apply makeup for a night out on the town, and other such requests. The last time she brought an extension cord and suggested that we let her run it to her house.

We feel a bit like the Little Red Hen -- we've taken the initiative to prepare for these outages, yet this woman just wants to rely on us. While I dislike the invasion of our privacy (she is a virtual stranger), I can think of no polite way of turning down these seemingly harmless requests. How does one turn away a neighbor who appears with soon-to-spoil meat without causing an unpleasant riff?

GENTLE READER: By becoming slightly less reliable. But only slightly, as you do not want to turn away even an irresponsible neighbor in genuine need.

You could take in the meat, for example, but apologize that you can't tie up the bathroom. No explanation needed -- there are, after all, unmentionable reasons that you might need it in a hurry. And you might remark that you are glad to be able to save the meat this time, because you often stock up on groceries and would not always have room.

Miss Manners gathers that you shot down the extension-cord suggestion, and hopes that you take all opportunities to warn that you cannot overload your system, and to say, in a friendly way, "The power is so unreliable around here that many of us feel it is essential for every house to have its own generator."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I ran into a friend I had not seen in some time, who, over the course of the conversation informed me that her grandfather died a few months previously.

As it so happens, I had been informed of that fact at the time, and sent her a condolence note.

Answering, "Yes, I know; I sent a condolence note" is obviously out of the question, since it implicitly contains an accusation to the bereaved. On the other hand, I do not wish to be thought a cad (if an unaccused one) for being thought to have failed to live up to a relatively important social obligation.

What, then, might be the appropriate response?

GENTLE READER: You realize, of course, that "I know" is not a proper first response to the mention of a death. You start with "I'm so sorry" and then say or ask a few words about the deceased.

At that point, you can throw in "Did you get my letter?" provided you add, "I know you must have had tons of mail," so that you don't seem to accuse her of not replying. Which, apparently, she didn't.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister is hurt because her daughter's boyfriend did not include her when he asked the dad for their daughter's hand in marriage. Her boyfriend also asked the dad to go with him to pick up the ring, and he did, and the dad said to everyone, "We got it" when they got back home.

Our son-in-law asked us to dinner when he asked to marry our daughter. Maybe ours was an unusual situation, but I thought it was nice to be included.

What is the norm? My sister talked to her daughter's boyfriend several times a week before this happened. She has not talked to him or returned his phone calls since February.

My sister and niece will be coming in a week, and her fiance lives in our town.

GENTLE READER: Then perhaps you will have a chance to resolve this ridiculous misunderstanding before it wrecks two families and a wedding.

The custom of asking for a lady's hand in marriage dates from long before ladies had the vote, politically or domestically, so the mother was not officially consulted. Among modern gentlemen who preserve the custom, some update it to address both parents, and some do not.

But it should be remembered that this procedure, although charming, is a mere formality now, when the hand is only too likely to have been freely given long before, often along with the other parts. For that matter, it was something of a formality then, when even a draconian father was not likely to be able to stand up to a determined daughter.

So the prospective bridegroom is guilty only of having preserved an anachronistic custom. If you can explain to your sister that no insult was intended, and get her prospective son-in-law to do the same, you will have done the family a service.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend lives in an apartment with two bathrooms, only one of which is easily accessible to guests and which serves as the main facility. When she entertains at dinner or a party, she replaces the bath towel with several hand towels, but ordinarily there is only one hand towel hanging from a towel ring. She keeps a supply of hand towels on the open shelf of a small table opposite the wash basin.

On a casual visit, should one use the hand towel that is obviously hers or a fresh one from the shelf? This is clearly not a matter of great moment, but I am curious about what Miss Manners considers appropriate.

GENTLE READER: Which one is not a matter of great moment, either, as they were all clearly put out for guest use. What Miss Manners considers inappropriate, not to mention icky, is the guest who emerges from the bathroom dry-handed, leaving all the guest towels pristine.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Unfortunately, I think I may have discovered a phenomenon that is even tackier than cash bars at wedding receptions.

Apparently, some restaurants have begun offering a service called a "half-open bar" to customers who wish to hold private parties. This means that the hosts are allowed to select a set number of "VIP" guests, designated with visible wristbands, who are allowed unlimited free drinks. The rest of the guests must pay for their beverages.

I'm not necessarily faulting the businesses that have made this service an option; they are hardly forcing anybody to participate. I am, however, trying hard to quash my uncharitable feelings about the hosts who would employ such a service. As for how this sort of thing reflects on the culture as a whole, I am completely at a loss for words.

You, however, rarely are. Thoughts? Can civilization put the kibosh on this nonsense? Are we too far gone?

GENTLE READER: Although she is not quite ready to give up on civilization, Miss Manners admits that what has happened to hospitality is an evil portent.

In secular society, as in many religions, the willingness to share sustenance freely, even if one has little, is a test. Those who turn others away are in trouble, even if the visitor does not turn out to be a deity in disguise.

However, Miss Manners does admire the modern efficiency. What you bring to her attention is a method of insulting guests by making them pay to be entertained, while at the same time making it clear that the insult is personal rather than general.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have lost my hearing but (so far) can cope pretty good and have paper and pen ready if needed.

I sometimes find myself with a group of hearing friends and enjoy being with them and seeing them having a good visit. They chat, and when someone makes a funny remark and everyone laughs, I never know what my reaction should be.

Should I just smile or pretend my shoe has become untied? Once I sort of gave a chuckle and someone gave me the look of "Are you nuts?" It was hurtful, and I try to avoid that person.

The other thing: I have been on a couple of short trips that involve a guided tour. Of course, I don't hear the guide, but they are doing their job of explaining things and displays. I would rather go by myself and look at the displays and read the written information on each one. You are whisked so fast to them you never have a chance to actually see them. If you stand with the guide and "listen." Would it be rude to sneak off? That's what I would like to do.

I know it's not their fault, but still, it doesn't seem right to not pay attention, and it would be not be good to interrupt and explain my reason for leaving the group.

I don't want to become a complete hermit, though that seems to be the best choice sometimes.

GENTLE READER: It is a dreadful choice. And so is faking having a good time when you are not.

What Miss Manners fails to understand is why you feel you have no alternatives. You should be asking someone to jot down the joke you missed, and explaining ahead of time to the tour guide why you prefer to examine things on your own.

The minor inconvenience you may cause is not half as annoying as the unnverving act of pretending to hear when you do not.

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