DEAR MISS MANNERS: When hosting a dinner at one's home or attending a dinner at someone else's home, how long should the evening last? I'm speaking about casual dinners with no formal cocktail hour but usually appetizers, a main meal and dessert.

I think two or two and a half hours is appropriate for such an event, but it seems that among my friends, dinner evenings last four hours or more, even on weeknights. If I try to leave earlier than the other guests, I feel rude, as if I'm eating and running.

When hosting in my home, I have sometimes resorted to asking a friend beforehand to break the evening up a little earlier, but that feels awkward, as well.

Am I wrong? Should a casual in-home dinner last for four hours?

GENTLE READER: Well, let's add it up:

The invitations are issued for 7 p.m., but no one shows up until 7:50. The food was going to be ready by 8:30, but isn't quite. Or it is overcooking, because some guests are still missing. So it starts at 9. By 10:20, all the food has been served and eaten, but the hosts have not given the signal to leave the table and return to the living room, so the guests feel glued to their chairs.

Yes, that's four hours, easily, before they bolt. And guests are supposed to spend half an hour over coffee after that.

But Miss Manners is not pitiless. If the meal is well over but the hosts aren't budging, or if the rest of the company is simply lolling around having a good time, she gives you permission to plead that you don't want to break up the party but you must slip out because you have to be up early.

Of course, if it is your living room, it is harder to escape. If you started the meal on time because (as you tell late guests) they would have wanted you to go ahead, and ended it by getting people up from the table for coffee and they still won't leave, it may be time to stand up and say how lovely it was to have them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in my early 20s and have been married for four months to a man of similar age. When we announced our wedding, we received several comments of the "What are you doing, you are too young" variety, including several friends and family members who told us we had no idea what we were getting into.

Even now, post-wedding, we are still getting intrusive comments from friends (the family fortunately has calmed down) telling us that we should have waited longer. One of his friends was so bold as to tell him she didn't believe he was truly in love, but simply "playing house."

We were very offended by this. Frankly, I am tired of having to explain myself over and over to people. I got married because I want to build a life with him and I love him dearly. Is this really anyone else's business? Do we really owe other people explanations?

GENTLE READER: Certainly not. But you should smile and say, "Thank you, we feel very lucky." The "thank you" should throw them, but if anyone persists with negative comments, you could add compassionately, "Actually, we're very happy. I'm so sorry you're not."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a server in a coffee shop, I am constantly greeting customers, and I make a genuine effort to be kind and polite to everyone. I greet most customers by asking how they are or how their day is going. Nine out of 10 responses begin with the phrase, "I'll have..."

How do you suggest I respond to an answer of a question I did not ask?

It truly hurts my feelings to be ignored while attempting human interaction apart from the usual impersonal (and often required or even prerecorded) greeting at other quick-service restaurants. I realize it is probably not my place, but I am tired of biting my tongue and feeling less than worthy of a response or even recognition as a human being and not a drink-making machine. Please let me know a polite response.

GENTLE READER: "Coming right up"? Or perhaps "Is it to go?"

Miss Manners does not mean to stomp on your already-smarting feelings. On the contrary, she shares your wish that people would acknowledge one another cordially in such transient situations.

But that is done by offering pleasantries, not by opening conversations. You will have better luck with remarks than with questions. "Lovely day" or "Nice to see you again" require only a grunt and a smile, not an accounting of how the day is going. Slowing down fast-food customers is not a good idea. Treating them as human beings, not just coffee-consuming machines, is.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a small community of 99 homes that unfortunately hosts an electronic bulletin board to which about half of our families subscribe.

When two neighbors got into a very public squabble about a cat, a third neighbor stepped into the fray, chose sides, declared one of the neighbors to be "irresponsible," and then posited that if this person were irresponsible in one aspect of their lives, it would likely carry over into other areas. He closed by saying, "I hope this person does not have children."

Of course, we all know all the people involved, and of course the person to whom this diatribe was directed does, indeed, have two beautiful children.

I recognize that if everyone had minded their own business, none of this would have happened, and I do not wish to emulate all off the bad behavior exhibited by those involved. However, my sense of moral indignation has been aroused, and I do not wish to permit intolerant and wrong-minded opinions to go uncorrected.

Do I confront this individual who publicly hurled hurtful comments on the off-hand chance that he will recognize and correct his behavior and possibly apologize, or do I continue to mind my own business?

GENTLE READER: That depends on whether you are hoping to be the subject of this person's next posting.

If, however, your desire is to live in a peaceful neighborhood, Miss Manners would take another approach. She suggests posting a "Dear Neighbors" letter, stating how much you enjoy the area, and regretting that minor squabbles sometimes result in people saying things they don't really mean. (Surely this includes not only the denouncer, but also the cat-fighters.) Then you close by proposing a clean slate, after which the bulletin board is to operate according to the neighborliness that all must surely want.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have, for some years, been hiking a relatively secluded, wooded trail that hugs the side of a canyon where I can enjoy the peace, tranquility and gentle sounds of nature.

Recently, the setting has been altered by a man who has chosen to practice bagpipes near the head of the trail. The acoustics of the land are such that sound carries for great distances, and even well into my walk I can still hear him.

As a devoted amateur musician and lover of most music, including bagpipes, and with sensitive hearing, I find myself dismayed that the aesthetics of this natural setting have been altered. I might add that the player does not seem to play songs, but rather tends to improvise and noodle along.

While this may not rival the intrusiveness of booming car stereo music that rattles one's windows and internal organs, I still find it incompatible with this hitherto tranquil place.

Am I incorrect in questioning the player's judgment in choosing this venue, and, if not, is there a polite way of communicating with him?

GENTLE READER: Have you no pity for the desperate person who said, "If you must play that thing, will you at least take it outdoors, where it won't drive a body crazy?"

Oh, wait. It drives you crazy.

And yet you say you are a lover of even bagpipe music. How are you going to have any if the musicians have no place to practice?

No, not Miss Manners' front porch. But thanks, just the same.

She suggests that you track down the musician, compliment the playing, and then ask when he practices. Then see if you can work out a compromise about who is in the woods when. It will be easier if you say you would enjoy hearing him perform some time but need the quiet walks to clear your head.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After being together a dozen years, my male partner and I married when it became legal for us to travel to another country and do so. I know that marriage changes the social status of a relationship. We wear matching wedding bands, though we actually acquired them and began wearing them long before any public or legal ceremony.

I am proud of my marriage and want, by my example, to help make same-sex marriage visible. I still introduce my partner as my "partner," even when we have traveled to countries or states where our marriage is recognized. Is there some way I can gracefully introduce my partner that reflects our marriage? Calling him my "husband" seems pretentious. Or am I being pretentious in wanting to publicize the fact that our relationship has been consummated by marriage?

GENTLE READER: Why do you consider it pretentious to call him your husband? Isn't the point that it is no longer a pretend marriage?

That said, Miss Manners hopes you understand that there is a difference in going public and publicizing. By all means, employ the conventional terms and acknowledgements of marriage. The more you get used to doing this normally, rather than as propaganda, the more unremarkable it will seem to others. And that, not shock, is surely the reaction you want.

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