DEAR MISS MANNERS: Sometime this morning, a small vinyl American flag on a wood dowel was put on my lawn next to my driveway, and frankly, I'm offended by the presumption of this anonymous person to express my national pride for me on my property.

I've looked at various Web sites for information on the proper display of the flag, and I can find no mention of the issue of displaying it on other people's property. I assume either it's because such is out-of-the-question acceptable, or out-of-the-question unacceptable.

Furthermore, I am also offended by such casual use, charging me with dignified destruction of a flag that was clearly intended to be disposable. Could you please clarify these flag-etiquette issues?

GENTLE READER: Happy Independence Day to you, too. How did the American flag come to be a weapon that loyal citizens brandish against one another?

Please do not take this to mean that Miss Manners agrees with your insinuation that the anonymous flag distributor was criticizing your patriotism. She prefers to think that it was someone merely filled with the holiday spirit, running around making little presents to the neighbors.

But she recognizes that your bristling comes from an atmosphere in which flag display is considered obligatory by some and ostentatious by others.

In any case, a small, vinyl flag does not obligate you to hold a ceremonial cremation, such as is done for tattered flags. If you cannot find room for it, give it to some organization, rather than a person who might consider it insulting.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When a friend who lives out of town comes to visit, she complains about things -- she's too cold/too hot, the volume on the television is too loud/not loud enough, the reading light is too bright/not bright enough. It's always something.

I end up running around, adjusting every little thing to make her comfortable, but I'm never fully successful. I've even shown her how to adjust the temperature and lights and volume, but it falls back into the same old pattern with each new visit.

She even came into my bedroom at 1:30 a.m. and woke me up to tell me the house was too hot. It was the same temperature it had been all weekend.

After years of this, I've reached my limit. Even though we have some good times together, and I enjoy talking with her, the thought of having her stay for a weekend stresses me out. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I just can't do this anymore.

GENTLE READER: So don't. Stop inviting her. Most people would have reached their limit at 1:30 a.m.

You will now tell Miss Manners that you don't actually invite this person: She announces that she will be coming to town and expects to stay. Reluctant hosts are notoriously bad at defending their homes, apparently considering a guest's suggestion equivalent to a host's invitation.

It is not. You are free to say that it is not convenient for you to have overnight guests, but you would love to see your friend when she is in town.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Dieting in public is a serious etiquette problem in a society that has made saints of women who wear a size 2. It is rude and offensive for a person to attend a joyous food-related outing and have one person, the chronic dieter, spoil the trip by ordering "a small salad."

Public dieting casts a pall of misery over any such occasion. The argument that the outing is about the fellowship is only partially true -- the fellowship is enjoying a good meal together. The occasion IS about the food, and no matter how one tries, it is as impossible not to notice how little that emaciated person is eating any more than one could not help but notice an oozing sore on her hand.

Holiday dinners and meals out with friends are a time, if not to eat heartily, to at least to eat well -- even if one chooses grilled instead of fried chicken or replaces the dressing with vegetables at Thanksgiving. If one must diet in public, it should be done with absolute discretion and must involve a variety of tasty foods chosen from what has been provided. If the dieter wants a diet soda, she should ask for it quietly, as though requesting something with which to take medication and have it poured into a glass to ensure that the nature of the drink is not obvious.

If a person is on a super-restricted diet that requires she eat abnormally, she needs to stay home instead of making everyone miserable. Perhaps she can join the group later for a concert or movie if she is not too weak to stay out past 8 p.m.

GENTLE READER: That part about how you try not to notice what other people are eating -- Miss Manners suggests that you try harder. A lot harder.

Monitoring what other people eat is a good way to ruin a holiday or gathering of friends, whether it is dieters voicing disapproval of hearty eaters or the more rare reaction that you have.

But after you stated your desire to ostracize everyone with medical or religious food restrictions, Miss Manners banned you from any discussion about what constitutes fellowship.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Two of my close friends, my roommate and my ex-boyfriend, quiz me about things I feel should remain private, such as my sex life and intimate details of my family's finances. I try to be discreet or vague, or flatly tell them that it's not their business, but they protest that we know each other well enough that I can -- and should -- tell them everything.

They know I'm not being entirely forthcoming, and my ex often asserts that I'm a liar. They will not be deterred and I'm tired of fending off inappropriate questions.

GENTLE READER: Then don't. By now, you need only say, "You know I'm not going to discuss that," not adding that you would have to be an idiot to confide your sex life to your ex.

Miss Manners is well aware that the reply is likely to be one of those accusations you cite, but then you can say gently, "and you know perfectly well that I'm not going to discuss that, either."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was nine months pregnant, a co-worker stood in front of my desk in a crowded office and loudly verbally assaulted me for being the only person in the office who did not pledge money for her "thon."

At the time, I was suffering from both raging hormones and an aching back, and I told her (none too pleasantly) that I chose to spend my charitable dollars elsewhere.

Could you please voice your opinion of charitable organizations that expect their members to extort funds from friends, relatives, acquaintances and co-workers?

GENTLE READER: That the charity business does not mix well with the blackmail business. It has always puzzled Miss Manners that people who are in the very act of being charitable toward people they don't know, which is admirable, feel entitled to be rude to those they do.

Philanthropy is no more an excuse for rudeness than are, by the way, raging hormones. It was fine to say you were committed to other causes, but you might have said so civilly.

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