DEAR MISS MANNERS: Cousin 1 recently wrote in a friendly way that she had found out that Cousin 2 was also writing to me, and Cousin 1 enclosed a photocopy of the letter she had gotten from Cousin 2.

Now, I have the feeling that I am supposed to thank Cousin 1 for the photocopy, and send her copies of the letters Cousin 2 has sent to me. Otherwise, I'm being unfriendly and unreciprocating to Cousin 1, yes?

These letters do not contain anything gossipy, but still, I would feel that I was violating Cousin 2's privacy and confidence if I gave copies of her letters to anyone. How do I know her reasons for including something in one letter and not another, even if it doesn't seem gossipy to me?

What should I say to Cousin 1? Should I thank her for the photocopy? Should I remark on one or two items that were common to Cousin 2's letters to both Cousin 1 and me? How should I respond if she asks me point blank for a copy of my letters from Cousin 2?

GENTLE READER: Does Cousin 1 date from the early days of regular postal service, when people would pass their letters around the breakfast table? (Yes, the mail actually arrived by breakfast time.)

Or does she think that letters are a form of e-mail, but without the convenient forward button, which it is safe to send around because no one in his right mind would put anything private into e-mail? (Would they?)

Miss Manners advises letting your cousins settle this themselves. You can arrange that by opening your next letter to Cousin 2 with a chatty, "I see from the photocopy of your letter that Cousin 1 sent me...."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Could you please tell me if traditional posted birth announcements serve a social purpose beyond announcing the happy news of a child's birth?

It seems to be common practice now to send e-mail announcements very soon after a birth. These almost always contain pictures and information, such as the baby's name and birthday, that is included in a traditional announcement, but arrive much more quickly.

Because all of our family members and close friends have access to e-mail, and word of her arrival will certainly go out electronically anyway, I am considering sending e-announcements after our daughter is born this summer and foregoing paper ones. Would this constitute some breech of etiquette or tradition that I am overlooking?

GENTLE READER: You will be surprised to hear that the world's biggest fan of the handwritten letter and of the formal announcement thinks that e-mail is preferable for announcing births.

What now passes for the traditional birth announcement -- the engraved parents' card with a wee baby card attached by ribbon-- was never a favorite with fastidious etiquetteers. Maybe it was something about an infant's having a card, but anyway, they took so long to make that the baby was practically in college before people heard. A handwritten line on the parents' usual card was preferred, and even those commercially cute little fill-in cards were tolerated.

Perhaps there are recipients who put mailed announcements into scrapbooks for sentiment or file boxes for reference, but we must not forget that the purpose of an announcement is to announce. And since Miss Manners knows that even the most informal cards are rarely sent promptly, e-mail seems a sensible solution.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was wondering, what is the correct way to accept an apology that is due?

For example, when someone steps on the back of your foot when you are walking and they say sorry, what should you say? I find it wrong to say, "Oh, it's all right," because it wasn't all right. However, just not saying anything is rude.

While I know someone stepping on someone's foot isn't that big of a deal and truly is an accident, I have had experiences that aren't so accidental.

For another example, at work, one of my managers has been talked to, over and over, about getting involved in someone else's work. One time I was assisting a customer, and he said that he had a problem with his Internet banking, and I told him he would have to contact our corporate office to resolve the problem.

She all of a sudden stepped in and said, "His debit card isn't locked." I replied, "No, his debit card isn't locked, but his Internet banking is." She didn't say anything until the customer left, then she proceeded to say that she was sorry for interrupting, but if it was a problem with his debit card she would have been able to fix it.

I told her it was all right, but it wasn't all right. I felt compelled to acknowledge her apology, but I didn't know what to say. What should I have said?

GENTLE READER: To the person who stepped on your foot, "I'm all right, thanks," adding, if necessary, "but would you mind getting off now?" Miss Manners believes you can accept such an apology without it's meaning, "Oh, any time, help yourself, I don't mind."

But she acknowledges that you have a point to make to your manager. You can do this by saying, "I appreciate your saying that. I wouldn't have wanted our customer to think that I wasn't capable of handling the situation."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a long-time friend whom I've seen less and less frequently. This past year, I turned down numerous invitations because drinking was at the center of each activity.

When I've made arrangements to see my friend in neutral environments (lunch, movies, etc.), she always cancels.

I am not a teetotaler, but through the years, it seems more and more people have problems with alcohol, and I simply don't enjoy their company. Is it necessary for me to explicitly state I would like to see her when she's sober, or is providing the opportunity enough?

GENTLE READER: "I'd like to see you when you're sober" is not an invitation likely to be accepted. But then, Miss Manners has noticed that your friend doesn't show up for sober occasions anyway.

So it does not sound as if you are on intimate enough terms to attempt to deal with any problems this person may have. The most you can say to augment your invitations is, "I'd love to see you, but I don't drink enough to enjoy occasions when people do."

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a young liberal Democrat, just out of college, who is against the current war in Iraq. I moved back to my home state after college, and many of my new friends here are affiliated with the U.S. military (either as ex-Army members, veterans or from other branches).

How do I respond politely and respectfully when I find out that one of my new acquaintances has fought in Iraq or Afghanistan? I'm curious to find out from veterans of Iraq and Afghanistan what their first-hand experiences in the Middle East were, but I don't want to pry, and I don't want to be insensitive.

I also don't know right away if the person I'm meeting has any qualms about discussing their deployment. My only frame of reference is an uncle who fought in the Vietnam War; I was never allowed to question him about being a veteran, as he suffered from severe emotional trauma for decades after.

As a 24-year-old, these are the first wars that have touched me politically, and I do not want to say something disingenuous (like, "I really support what you are doing over there. Keep up the good work!), trite ("Thank you for your sacrifices. Your country is proud of you."), or callous ("What a terrible thing to be involved in!"). What is a tactful response to a veteran that upholds everyone's dignity? Is there an established etiquette for speaking to a veteran of (in my view) an ongoing, unpopular war?

GENTLE READER: Yes; it consists of not speaking so much as listening.

Miss Manners quite agrees that it is not your place to deliver critiques or commendations. Rather than quizzing your new friends about their service, you can simply say, "I don't know whether you like to talk about it, but I'd be very interested in hearing your experiences."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of my parents died recently, and I sent letters of condolence to the family. My mom saw the envelopes as I was mailing them and objected to my use of return-address stickers. You know the kind of stickers I mean -- charities send them to you and they have your address plus the charity's logo or "I support (name of charity)".

This was an animal welfare organization, so there were pictures of puppies and kittens as well as the logo. My mom wasn't sure if she objected to the puppies, the logo or the stickers themselves, but she didn't think they were correct. Should return-address stickers not be used on letters of sympathy? What about stickers you buy yourself (from the stationer) that don't advertise a charity?

GENTLE READER: Since the demise of the footman-delivered letter, Miss Manners has tried not to get overly emotional about envelopes. Postal regulations are always fooling with the size, and some day they may decide to break her heart by decreeing that they will no longer accept handwritten addresses.

Still, one must maintain what dignity one can. A condolence letter is about as serious a letter as one can write, and cute pictures and irrelevant logos are very definitely out of place. Miss Manners will not make a fuss about a plain return-address sticker, but can't help feeling that writing even that in your own hand is preferable.

: