DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work for a remote-receptionist company. My co-workers and I answer calls for companies and individuals all over North America, and we do it well. We are bright, educated, friendly women; many of our clients tell us that their callers assume we are in-house receptionists. The callers have no idea we are answering from hundreds, even thousands of miles away.

Given the nature of our job, my co-workers and I simply have to be quick and skilled. We can give driving directions to a person in a city we've never visited. We know how to execute a flawless, "I'm so sorry, may I place you on hold a moment?" when a caller asks a question we can't answer. Then we get the answer and relay the information.

I am happy to work for a company that takes such good care of its clients and ecstatic to work with a group of lovely, well-mannered women. The only problem is this:

It often happens that a caller, somewhat overcome by having reached an actual human rather than a recording, begins to spout praise that simply will not stop. It is not uncommon, during the course of an average work day, to speak with someone who continues to say things like, "I can't tell you how refreshing it is to speak with a real, live person. And you are so polite, and have such a lovely phone manner! How long have you worked for this company? How are you being paid? I am looking for a receptionist..." and so on.

This is flattering, but (rude questions about salary aside) our clients are charged by the minute, so any extra time we spend making small talk with a caller is only kicking up the bill.

Could Miss Manners please suggest a humble, concise way of responding to such praise? I have found that a simple "thank you" is not enough to end the torrents.

GENTLE READER: Wait -- here comes another torrent. It is Miss Manners, overcome by the pathetic spectacle of customers overflowing with uncontrollable emotion because someone in customer service was actually willing to talk to them. And, as if that were not miraculous enough, you and your colleagues apparently go on to solve their problems, competently and cheerfully.

Miss Manners is not being cheeky here. She thoroughly identifies with your grateful customers. Recorded answers to standard questions are all very well, but when the question is not standard or the problem requires human thought, it is maddening not to be able to reach anyone.

(Apologies for joining the problem instead of first attending to the solution.)

You do have to get back to work, or others will not be able to reach you. That is what you must tell your admirers: "Thank you, but please excuse me now. I don't want to keep other customers waiting."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been yelled at for coughing/sneezing into my hand. I have also been yelled at for coughing/sneezing into my elbow. What is the correct way to cough/sneeze if I lack a handkerchief or tissue?

GENTLE READER: Eeew. Miss Manners does not approve of the yelling, but she certainly understands the revulsion that prompted it.

There is no correct way to handle this situation because it is an incorrect situation. Correct people always carry handkerchieves.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Now that it is spring, I am receiving the annual round of e-mails soliciting financial pledges for various walkathons, marathons and other sorts of -thons in support of illness-related charities. My friends do not have the illness they -thon for; usually it's a parent or sibling. I do not respond to these requests, if only because I have an expensive chronic illness of my own and extremely limited resources. I also have an ethical qualm about these charities. My illness has its own charity that sponsors a -thon, too; I am a member of that organization, but I have no idea how the thonning benefits people suffering from the illness.

Still, I feel callous for not responding; some of the requests come from people who have been at least emotionally supportive during my illness. Are the requests best ignored, or could I respond with a note expressing my best wishes, with thanks for their support?

GENTLE READER: But surely you have been thanking these people all along for their emotional support, and offering your own as it may be needed?

That you certainly owe, but not financial support of their causes, however worthy. You have your own, and they surely understand that when they do mass canvassing. No apologies or explanations are necessary.

But Miss Manners believes that you owe it to yourself to find out how the money is spent that you donate to the charity connected with your illness. Usually, it is marked to support research, rather than going directly to patients, but you should be able to get that information, as well as the figures on how much is first deducted for overhead, salaries and the event

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A neighbor of mine recently delivered an "extra batch" of her fudge that she was making for a bake-off. I was disappointed to discover that the fudge she had made came with walnuts, almonds and peanuts, all of which I am allergic to. Not wanting it to go to waste, I took it to work, where visitors to my cubicle were happy to help themselves.

When my neighbor saw me the next week, she asked how I enjoyed her fudge. I stated, "Unfortunately, I am allergic to the nuts that were in the fudge, but I'm sure it was spectacular." She was absolutely horrified by my response and called me "rude and ungrateful." I'm not quite sure what I had done wrong. How could I have better handled this?

GENTLE READER: You did not get off to a good start. "Unfortunately" is not the first word a benefactor wants to hear about her offering.

Granted that your neighbor should not have asked, and she certainly should not have upbraided you. But her original intention was to be friendly, and you opened with a negative reaction.

Couldn't you have rearranged your words? "I took it to the office, and everyone just loved it. I was so tempted, but unfortunately, I have an allergy to nuts." You could even have omitted that last sentence, unless you felt it necessary to head off future deliveries -- a problem you no longer have.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a man who was invited to a baby shower for the first time. Unfortunately, I think my inexperience with baby showers showed, and I'm worried I've made some mistakes in etiquette.

I received an e-mail from a stranger, with an attachment of a picture of an invitation to a baby shower to be held for a close friend the following week. It indicated where the expectant mother was registered for babywares.

With only a week's notice, I already had a prior commitment that day, plus the baby shower would have required me to travel a great distance. I sent my regrets through a reply to the stranger's e-mail. Later, a real invitation to the baby shower arrived at my home, but I did not reply, thinking I had already passed along my regrets to the hostess.

I feel awkward and ignorant because I'm not sure what was expected of me. First, how important are baby showers? Should I have canceled my previous commitment to attend (as I would have done for a wedding or similar affair)?

Second, how and to whom should I have sent my regrets? I received the invitation initially by e-mail from a stranger, so I had assumed she was the hostess and I should reply to her via e-mail, as well.

Third, what should I do for my friend? I only speak with her once or twice a year, so I don't know if I should call, write a note or go onto the baby registry to get her a gift (or all three).

I'm sure there are other things I've done wrong, too, and I've been upset thinking I've offended. This is all unfamiliar territory for me. I've just been invited to another baby shower (my second ever) but want to be sure I get this one right. What was/is expected of me?

GENTLE READER: Please don't panic. Miss Manners doubts that this is the first party you have attended that has been planned by ladies.

Normal social rules apply: You answer the invitation in the form in which it arrived to the person who issued it. You did that when you received the e-mail invitation. The oddity of its turning out to have been a preview of a paper invitation is not your responsibility. Nor need you worry about not attending. However overblown showers have now become, they are not ceremonial occasions.

But don't you normally congratulate your friends when the occasion arises? Whether you do so by telephone or mail is not important, and since you are not participating in the shower, a baby present can wait until you hear of the birth. But to ignore her news itself would be callous.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was asked to furnish the wine at my grandson's wedding -- which I was happy to do. The leftover wine I brought home, and I stored it. My grandson says it's their wine. I say it's mine. What's proper?

GENTLE READER: What could be more decorous than a grandmother and grandson fighting over leftover booze?

It would be proper for you, as the elder, to put a stop to this debacle by allowing him to take it.

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