DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a man who was invited to a baby shower for the first time. Unfortunately, I think my inexperience with baby showers showed, and I'm worried I've made some mistakes in etiquette.

I received an e-mail from a stranger, with an attachment of a picture of an invitation to a baby shower to be held for a close friend the following week. It indicated where the expectant mother was registered for babywares.

With only a week's notice, I already had a prior commitment that day, plus the baby shower would have required me to travel a great distance. I sent my regrets through a reply to the stranger's e-mail. Later, a real invitation to the baby shower arrived at my home, but I did not reply, thinking I had already passed along my regrets to the hostess.

I feel awkward and ignorant because I'm not sure what was expected of me. First, how important are baby showers? Should I have canceled my previous commitment to attend (as I would have done for a wedding or similar affair)?

Second, how and to whom should I have sent my regrets? I received the invitation initially by e-mail from a stranger, so I had assumed she was the hostess and I should reply to her via e-mail, as well.

Third, what should I do for my friend? I only speak with her once or twice a year, so I don't know if I should call, write a note or go onto the baby registry to get her a gift (or all three).

I'm sure there are other things I've done wrong, too, and I've been upset thinking I've offended. This is all unfamiliar territory for me. I've just been invited to another baby shower (my second ever) but want to be sure I get this one right. What was/is expected of me?

GENTLE READER: Please don't panic. Miss Manners doubts that this is the first party you have attended that has been planned by ladies.

Normal social rules apply: You answer the invitation in the form in which it arrived to the person who issued it. You did that when you received the e-mail invitation. The oddity of its turning out to have been a preview of a paper invitation is not your responsibility. Nor need you worry about not attending. However overblown showers have now become, they are not ceremonial occasions.

But don't you normally congratulate your friends when the occasion arises? Whether you do so by telephone or mail is not important, and since you are not participating in the shower, a baby present can wait until you hear of the birth. But to ignore her news itself would be callous.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was asked to furnish the wine at my grandson's wedding -- which I was happy to do. The leftover wine I brought home, and I stored it. My grandson says it's their wine. I say it's mine. What's proper?

GENTLE READER: What could be more decorous than a grandmother and grandson fighting over leftover booze?

It would be proper for you, as the elder, to put a stop to this debacle by allowing him to take it.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper etiquette between a wife and "the other woman?"

My husband had an affair, which I recently found out about. He said he ended it, and we are working on restoring our marriage. It is hard to re-establish trust, but I'm willing to try.

My big problem is that the "other woman" works with him. Even though he claims no one knew about it, I would be surprised if it was the big secret he would like to think it was.

How am I supposed to act when we go to company events or parties? I hate the idea that these people are looking at me with pity or contempt. I don't have any friendships with any of his colleagues independent of him.

And I have no idea how I'm supposed to act with the other woman, since there was no confrontation between us, and I am taking my husband's word for the fact that he broke up with her. There is a four-day company vacation trip with spouses included in a few weeks. Please tell me what to do.

GENTLE READER: Go and have a good time.

Not likely, Miss Manners supposes. And she promises not to annoy you by urging that you put aside your problems. Even less likely.

What she means is that you should go and look as if you are having a good time. That won't be easy, either. But if you make the effort to maintain a pleasant and open air and to engage other people in conversation -- including, or at least not pointedly excluding, the O.W. in your geniality -- you will find afterward that you did have a satisfactory time.

This will not be because you forgot. (Miss Manners keeps her promises.) It will be because the people who didn't know about the affair will now not believe it if they do hear; the ones who heard will be saying that your husband must have been out of his mind, and with any luck, the O.W. will have an overdue sense of shame.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Yesterday, I was waiting in line for approximately 15 minutes to be seated at a restaurant. The woman standing behind me was so close, her handbag kept hitting my back. I turned around twice and gave her a dirty look. She then came and stood beside me.

What can be said or done to discourage people from crowding me like that?

GENTLE READER: And what can be done to discourage people from going around issuing unwarranted dirty looks?

Just a guess, but Miss Manners doubts that the lady was banging her handbag against you for sport. She is not likely to have known that she was doing it. So a civil statement, delivered with an understanding smile -- "Excuse me, but your handbag has been knocking against me --" would have brought forth a cessation of attack and an apology.

Miss Manners wishes that once in a while, people would give one another the benefit of the doubt.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a very health-conscious person. When I was a child, I was obese and picked on by my peers. But with hard work and determination, I have lost a lot of weight. The problem is, my family and friends, many of whom are overweight, don't pay attention to their health.

When we go to social gatherings, I eat light foods and order diet sodas right in front of them. I always feel this cold mist of jealousy around me. Is this good manners? Or should I just indulge myself with them for that night?

GENTLE READER: "Cold mist of jealousy" is such a gripping term that Miss Manners is sorry to have to admit that she doesn't know what you are talking about.

If others are jealous of your having diet sodas, why don't they order their own diet sodas? But if you suppose that they are jealous of your figure, do you propose gaining back your lost weight to mollify them?

If so, please do not blame etiquette. If, indeed, others are unaccountably interested in what you eat when they have the pleasant alternative of loading up their own plates, it is they who are rude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I find it interesting that you think 'please' is mandatory. If my 6-year-old daughter says, "May I please have some more water" in a rude, or otherwise unpleasant, tone, the fact that she included "please" doesn't help, yet if she says "May I have some more water" pleasantly, I'm perfectly happy to pour some for her.

GENTLE READER: "Please" is mandatory and a civil tone is mandatory. What Miss Manners finds interesting is that you think you are entitled to only one or the other.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 47 years old. Four months ago, my wife died suddenly and unexpectedly. We had a very good marriage.

Is there an accepted protocol regarding a widower (or widow) wearing a wedding ring? I am sure most people will advise me to do whatever I feel happy or most comfortable doing. I appreciate that sentiment, but please advise me at to the proper etiquette in this situation.

Is there a certain "grieving period" in which it is expected that the surviving spouse wear a wedding band, etc.?

GENTLE READER: Etiquette has no strict rule about this. It should be a personal choice, and Miss Manners wishes she could tell you that no one else will have anything to say about it. But, of course, she knows they will.

They -- Miss Manners assumes you can guess what demographic she means -- will take it as a sign that you are ready to entertain the idea of finding another wife.

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