DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper etiquette between a wife and "the other woman?"

My husband had an affair, which I recently found out about. He said he ended it, and we are working on restoring our marriage. It is hard to re-establish trust, but I'm willing to try.

My big problem is that the "other woman" works with him. Even though he claims no one knew about it, I would be surprised if it was the big secret he would like to think it was.

How am I supposed to act when we go to company events or parties? I hate the idea that these people are looking at me with pity or contempt. I don't have any friendships with any of his colleagues independent of him.

And I have no idea how I'm supposed to act with the other woman, since there was no confrontation between us, and I am taking my husband's word for the fact that he broke up with her. There is a four-day company vacation trip with spouses included in a few weeks. Please tell me what to do.

GENTLE READER: Go and have a good time.

Not likely, Miss Manners supposes. And she promises not to annoy you by urging that you put aside your problems. Even less likely.

What she means is that you should go and look as if you are having a good time. That won't be easy, either. But if you make the effort to maintain a pleasant and open air and to engage other people in conversation -- including, or at least not pointedly excluding, the O.W. in your geniality -- you will find afterward that you did have a satisfactory time.

This will not be because you forgot. (Miss Manners keeps her promises.) It will be because the people who didn't know about the affair will now not believe it if they do hear; the ones who heard will be saying that your husband must have been out of his mind, and with any luck, the O.W. will have an overdue sense of shame.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Yesterday, I was waiting in line for approximately 15 minutes to be seated at a restaurant. The woman standing behind me was so close, her handbag kept hitting my back. I turned around twice and gave her a dirty look. She then came and stood beside me.

What can be said or done to discourage people from crowding me like that?

GENTLE READER: And what can be done to discourage people from going around issuing unwarranted dirty looks?

Just a guess, but Miss Manners doubts that the lady was banging her handbag against you for sport. She is not likely to have known that she was doing it. So a civil statement, delivered with an understanding smile -- "Excuse me, but your handbag has been knocking against me --" would have brought forth a cessation of attack and an apology.

Miss Manners wishes that once in a while, people would give one another the benefit of the doubt.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a very health-conscious person. When I was a child, I was obese and picked on by my peers. But with hard work and determination, I have lost a lot of weight. The problem is, my family and friends, many of whom are overweight, don't pay attention to their health.

When we go to social gatherings, I eat light foods and order diet sodas right in front of them. I always feel this cold mist of jealousy around me. Is this good manners? Or should I just indulge myself with them for that night?

GENTLE READER: "Cold mist of jealousy" is such a gripping term that Miss Manners is sorry to have to admit that she doesn't know what you are talking about.

If others are jealous of your having diet sodas, why don't they order their own diet sodas? But if you suppose that they are jealous of your figure, do you propose gaining back your lost weight to mollify them?

If so, please do not blame etiquette. If, indeed, others are unaccountably interested in what you eat when they have the pleasant alternative of loading up their own plates, it is they who are rude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I find it interesting that you think 'please' is mandatory. If my 6-year-old daughter says, "May I please have some more water" in a rude, or otherwise unpleasant, tone, the fact that she included "please" doesn't help, yet if she says "May I have some more water" pleasantly, I'm perfectly happy to pour some for her.

GENTLE READER: "Please" is mandatory and a civil tone is mandatory. What Miss Manners finds interesting is that you think you are entitled to only one or the other.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 47 years old. Four months ago, my wife died suddenly and unexpectedly. We had a very good marriage.

Is there an accepted protocol regarding a widower (or widow) wearing a wedding ring? I am sure most people will advise me to do whatever I feel happy or most comfortable doing. I appreciate that sentiment, but please advise me at to the proper etiquette in this situation.

Is there a certain "grieving period" in which it is expected that the surviving spouse wear a wedding band, etc.?

GENTLE READER: Etiquette has no strict rule about this. It should be a personal choice, and Miss Manners wishes she could tell you that no one else will have anything to say about it. But, of course, she knows they will.

They -- Miss Manners assumes you can guess what demographic she means -- will take it as a sign that you are ready to entertain the idea of finding another wife.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: It recently occurred to me that two habits I have might be uncouth. You seem like the best person to ask.

I do not dry my hair by artificial means. It looks best if I allow it to air dry. Consequently, if I wash it in the morning, I often leave the house with damp hair.

Is this a bad habit? Recently, I heard someone in passing disparage someone else for leaving the house with wet hair. (She and I did not know each other, so I know she wasn't talking about me.)

Also, I usually dry the insides of my ears with cotton tips in the morning, but sometimes they are still damp when I leave the house. If they are damp, they get cold. What is the best way to dry the insides of my ears when I'm in my car on my way to work?

As I type this, I realize fingers are probably not the couth option, but that's what I've been using.

GENTLE READER: Yes, we all use our fingers to type. But what, pray tell, are you using to steer your car? And are you telling Miss Manners that you are plastered with wet hair and feel the cold only in your already swabbed ears?

Come now. Hair that appears wet, whether from washing, swimming or spraying, is not an etiquette crime. Trifling with Miss Manners' good nature may be.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the polite way of addressing an orchestra conductor in an e-mail or letter?

GENTLE READER: Maestro (or Maestra). They love it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: During the course of a dinner party which I hosted for two long-term, close (too long? too close?) friends, I was stunned when their conversation took a turn toward some of my flaws, which, evidently, were more bothersome to them than I was aware.

In turn, I was labeled as controlling, indecisive, tough, and, my personal favorite, "spoiled."

Given that I had just spent the day and a good part of the week planning and preparing an evening especially for these two friends and their husbands, I was stunned and more than a little hurt.

However, following your advice -- and my mother's -- I resisted the urge to reciprocate in kind. While I thought my mother had prepared me quite well in both language and etiquette, I imagine such a scenario was not within her post-Victorian repertoire! Your advice as to what a proper response should have been or, God forbid, should be if such an event occurs in future?

GENTLE READER: It is true that you cannot challenge anyone to a duel while that person is a guest in your house. Nevertheless, you were roundly insulted, despite your attackers' believing that they were only being honest and it was for your own good.

A good hostess would try to accommodate her guests. Miss Manners recommends standing up and saying, "You are very good to accept my hospitality, considering what you think of me. But I wouldn't dream of imposing on you any longer."

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