DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am searching for a nice reply even though I really don't feel that nice at all.

I am expecting my first baby, and it is a girl. I have many friends and acquaintances who have been very good to me and who I would not want to hurt. But they have been telling me things that I choke in anger about. Commentary like "how fun it will be to dress her; you'll have so much fun shopping; dress shopping with matching hats ... ruffly underwear..." I find really distasteful and annoying.

I hate to be no fun, but setting up my child to look like a pretty doll is not exciting to me because I feel really strongly against enforcing the gender role that it is fun to make a girl look really decorous and fun to shop with, as opposed to a boy. I want to do my best to raise my baby with other values, although I recognize when she gets older she might want to do the pretty thing herself.

So far, I have been smilingly demurring and saying things like, "I think actually jumpers and pajamas are very cute on all babies..." but I get responses like "You'll see!" making it sound like my deep parental love is going to propel me straight to the baby boutiques. Saying anything would run the risk of:

a. sounding like an old stick in the mud

b. making some of these people feel bad if they did this themselves

c. sounding unexcited about my own baby.

However, I really feel strongly about this type of thing and hate to just agree for the sake of niceties.

First of all, what do I say? Second of all, do you see where I am coming from or are these feelings wrong? I don't think it is proper to teach little girls about appearances and shopping right off the bat, or to pose while others compliment them.

Please help because this is really bothering me, and actually embarrassed me as a little girl sometimes forced into frills herself.

GENTLE READER: But you will be the mother now. You should already know that sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you.

Well, some of them might, Miss Manners admits, but not the mindless sort of blather that has you so riled up. People don't know what to say about unborn babies beyond offering their congratulations, so they often go off in unfortunate directions. At least your friends are predicting enjoyment rather than dire consequences from giving birth or having a baby who will eventually become a teenager.

And they will not be bringing up your daughter; you will. They are not even taking a political stand. They are just blathering. So there is no practical reason for taking their remarks as a challenge.

Just let them pass. However strong you want your daughter to be, you will advise her, Miss Manners hopes, not to go around picking fights with well-meaning people.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiancee and I received a lovely crystal vase as an engagement gift. I began to remove the small sticker with the manufacturer's name and a statement about the lead content when my fiancee chided me, insisting that one leaves such stickers on crystal, even on stemware, where the sticker would be much more prominent.

This seems strange to me, akin to leaving the price tag affixed to an item one has purchased. Would you kindly provide guidance?

GENTLE READER: It is strange, and it is like leaving on the price tag. The most bizarre part is that your fiancee is not the only person who has succumbed to what amounts to an etiquette myth.

Miss Manners can only think that the people who came up with this were frightened in childhood by the harsh warnings against removing tags on mattresses and electrical cords.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How can a host ask overnight guests whether they had a good night, and how can guests respond, without turning this exchange into a report card on the accommodations or an intrusion on the guest's privacy?

"Good morning, how did you sleep?" would seem to be nothing more than a polite formality like, "How are you?" But, in fact, both parties understand it to be a one-directional inquiry about the hospitality, and the guest cannot politely respond without a formulaic, "Fine, thanks, and you?"

As a host, I feel driven to ask this question, and nothing less than a rave report assures me that there was nothing more I might have done to improve my guests' comfort.

But as a guest, I resent the question, especially from a bright-eyed eager host before I've had my coffee. Many of us have sleep problems that have nothing to do with how comfortable our quarters are, and we would prefer not to describe or explain them.

It's hard to come up with a convincing lie when one has had a difficult night, and if the guest is truthful, any problems mentioned will seem to reflect on the host. It would be like asking, "How did you like the food I cooked for you?" and the guest responding, "It was very tasty, but now I have gas, which always happens when I eat cheese, so it isn't your fault."

That's more information than anybody wants, and not very convincing or useful. Maybe you can suggest some more comfortable ways for hosts and guests to greet each other and talk about well-being after a night under the same roof.

GENTLE READER: Right. In fact, ugh.

Such information is only useful if a problem is easily fixable. You don't want your houseguests complaining that they found the wallpaper disturbing.

Therefore, the first part of the exchange should be conventional on the part of both host and guest. But after the "Did you sleep well?" the host may continue with, "Would you like another pillow or blanket?" Or the guest can introduce the problem by saying, "Fine, thank you. But I wonder if I might trouble you for a wash cloth."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: We discovered early this year that a former co-worker had been involved in an affair with a married man whose wife had just given birth (and by just, I mean in the hours immediately before one of their dalliances). This affair continued for several months, and on more than one occasion the co-worker lied about her business-travel plans in order to spend time with this man, leaving her team members in the lurch.

The affair is now common knowledge, and the co-worker has moved on to a position with another company. Recently, she returned for an office visit, and a couple of us decided to put forward a front so cold it would rival winter in the Yukon. We wanted her to realize that we are not only aware of her indiscretions, but we absolutely do not approve.

Others in the office have chastised us because they don't feel she has committed an offense since she did not sleep with their husbands. Those of us on the chilly side feel her behavior was a sign of a significant lack of character.

Miss Manners, should we just overlook her behavior, as we were not personally affected?

GENTLE READER: If people never expressed social disapproval except in cases in which they were personally involved, society would be in a bad way. And when they do, it is often in a worse way.

That is to say that social standards are maintained by a show of disapproval when violated. If there is no apparent public interest in how badly people behave, behavior in general keeps getting worse. And yet a great deal of cruelty and, indeed, outright injustice has been directed at individuals under this mandate.

That is likely why your colleagues shy away from registering disapproval. However, this does appear to Miss Manners to be a sound case. Proving affairs is dicey, even when everybody seems to know, because there are seldom eyewitnesses. But you know of her cheating on the job, and that does constitute an offense against those of you who had to fill in for her. It is also an offense against the standards of the office. A warm welcome would indeed suggest otherwise.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My next-door neighbor sent an e-mail to ask me to keep an eye on their home while they were on vacation. She also told me that X, who works at the same school as her husband and lives farther away than I do in the same subdivision, has the key to their house. She provided me with X's phone number just in case. "Thanks a lot, blah blah blah..." By the way, there are no pets to feed and no plants to water in my neighbors' home.

What do you make of this? What would you do?

GENTLE READER: Wish the neighbor a happy vacation. Watch the neighbor's house while she is away. Welcome the neighbor home when she returns.

What puzzles Miss Manners is why you have any question about the right thing to do. Perhaps the request would be better made in person, but you are not being asked to inconvenience yourself by any specific form of caretaking. Miss Manners begs you to understand that this is a basic courtesy that neighbors owe one another.

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