DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it now considered "pretentious," as my 12-year-old son suspects, to respond to a formal party invitation with the traditional wording, "_____ accepts with pleasure the kind invitation of _____ to ______ ?

I have always insisted on this sort of response, but now I suddenly find myself in doubt! I have been raising four boys for lo these many 25 years. I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel now, but I must not be swayed by the temptation to abandon my duties too soon.

GENTLE READER: Hang in there. This is no time to start taking etiquette lessons from a 12-year-old.

It would be pretentious to write a formal, third-person response to an e-mailed invitation to a beer fest or a telephoned offer to meet for dinner. The rule is (and will continue to be, Miss Manners assures you) to respond to an invitation in kind, using the degree of formality in which the invitation was conveyed. So yes, a formal invitation requesting the pleasure of one's company should be answered formally, just as you have written.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A close friend of mine, who is overweight, tends to go on about her "healthy" eating habits and lifestyle. I have learned to deal with all of that when clearly I can see it is not working. I only offer advice if asked, and encourage her healthier habits.

My problem is that when we dine at restaurants, she orders something small and healthy and I order what I want -- that's why I went to a restaurant in the first place, right? More times than not she'll ask for a bite of my dish, which I don't want to give her! Usually she will ask for a bite of something that my dish doesn't have a lot of, like shrimp, and when there are only five pieces to begin with, I'm sorry, but I'd like to enjoy my complete, expensive, delicious, maybe unhealthy meal by myself. I've even taken to ordering meals extremely spicy to keep her from asking for a taste, but she still asks. Is there a polite way to tell her to eat her salad with no dressing and leave me to enjoy my five-shrimp linguine in peace?

GENTLE READER: You might try breaking it to her that food taken from someone else's plate contains just as many calories as food on one's own plate.

No, that wouldn't work. It is too thoroughly believed that purloined food doesn't count.

However, Miss Manners is guessing that your friend is also familiar with the Clean Plate Club. It would not be rude of you to say, "I was planning to eat it all, but we could order you some, if you like." If this leads her astray, you can always make up for it by asking to start in on her plate after you finish yours.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently accepted a date on Valentine's Day from a gentleman I have known and gone out with from time to time for some four years. While I didn't think it was going to be the ultimate romantic evening, I thought we would at least have fun as friends.

It went from dinner out to a partially microwaved meal. He quibbled over going out for dessert because he was "full" and didn't see the need and then asked for the check after his friend paid for everything.

He went out of his way not to mention Valentine's Day. No flowers at the table, not even a balloon. I found it strange that he would treat me in such a way after we have known each other for this amount of time.

I smiled and kept a conversation up with him and the other couple and went home right after dessert. Am I wrong to think he could have done something more to make the evening a little more festive? I asked if I could bring anything and was told no. I just felt he could have asked me out another weekend if he didn't wish to celebrate with me, and I could have made other plans. It would have been just fine with me!

GENTLE READER: What other plans? Miss Manners doesn't mean to be harsh, but surely if you had had a Valentine's Day offer from a gentleman in whom you did have a romantic interest, you would not have accepted one from whom you did not expect romance.

Perhaps if the gentleman had a calendar, he would have avoided a day so loaded with expectations. But then, you said you didn't expect a romantic evening, so perhaps he fulfilled yours. Miss Manners' advice is to choose more carefully next year.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the most appropriate way to tell a former boyfriend (also a friend) that I am now seriously dating someone else with whom he is acquainted?

I presume that a simple, "(New gentleman) and I are seeing each other. I thought you would appreciate hearing it from me" would suffice, but I am concerned with sounding either callous or else presumptuous.

I suspect that the first man in question will be displeased with the news, so I want to be kind, but not so much that I embarrass him by giving the impression that I think he is still "madly in love" with me. Is it better, perhaps, to just let him hear the information from mutual friends, to whom he could vent his displeasure with a clear conscience?

GENTLE READER: It is that tag line, "I thought you would appreciate hearing it from me" that could rankle. Miss Manners assures you that you were doing fine until you got to that.

If the gentleman has only the purest feelings of friendship for you now, the part about appreciation does unduly suggest that he is in a wounded state. And if he really is, that word, "appreciate," will be taken bitterly. Just tell him as if you expected him to be pleased for you, and allow him to live up to the expectation.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am worried that I might have offended our window contractor beyond where a mere apology can fix things. He was replacing a broken window in the kitchen, and was there unattended for some time before presenting his bill and leaving.

Later, as my wife was leaving for a doctor's appointment, she said that she could not find her keys, which by habit she always puts in the kitchen drawer directly under the repaired window.

We could not find them in the car or her purse, so I lent her my keys. After she left, I turned the house upside down looking for her keys. No luck. Then I remembered the window repairman. After much internal debate, I called his company, explained the situation, and said roughly the following:

"This is extremely awkward, because I don't know the young man who came here and have no reason to doubt that he is trustworthy. But is there any chance that he picked up the keys in the drawer, possibly by accident?"

The receptionist replied, "Well, he is the owner of the company, and he just got back, so I'll check with him. Hold on." The owner had not seen the keys, and while neither he nor the receptionist seemed offended by the imputation that he might be a thief, I was mortified.

We later found that the keys had slipped out of my wife's coat pocket and were under the car seat. I went back to the glass company with a second broken window to be repaired; while I was there, I apologized profusely for any possible insult I might have offered. They said it was OK, that I had to ask.

Nonetheless, I worry that something more is necessary. If this were 1800, would I now be facing the contractor on the field of honor? Can I get out of this with a gift card to a nice coffee shop?

GENTLE READER: Wait -- you said they were not offended. So why are you fussing?

The reason that they were not offended is that you handled the matter politely. You excused yourself every at every step and never accused the contractor of anything more than an accident. This is not the time to send a guilt presents, which would make only too clear what you really thought. Miss Manners suggests instead a letter saying how much you admired the work and that you would be recommending the firm to your broken-windowed friends.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am only 21 years old, but I have been called "ma'am" for a couple years now. I always thought that "ma'am" was reserved for, quite frankly, older ladies or women like my mother and her friends, and that "miss" was for members of the same age group that still requires identification to purchase alcoholic beverages.

I understand that the people calling me "ma'am" are only trying to be polite. Has this become the accepted form of address, and am I somehow behind the times?

GENTLE READER: "Ma'am" is also the traditional form of address for female royalty of whatever age. Miss Manners would consider it a mistake to bristle at being treated like a princess.

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