DEAR MISS MANNERS: I planned a party for New Year's Eve with many close friends. I awoke on New Year's Eve day with the flu and throughout the day eventually called everyone and canceled the party. I feel guilty, as some of my guests were upset because they could not make plans at another place on such short notice. Did I do the right thing?

GENTLE READER: It does sound as if you missed an opportunity to give these people the flu. But no, we don't do that kind of thing. Miss Manners congratulates you on being a great deal kinder to them than they turned out to deserve.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How long must you wait on guests to arrive before you decide to go ahead and eat?

My sister and her husband routinely run very late for dinner or lunch at my mom's house. On Christmas they were one hour and 30 minutes late! Everyone was there, including their own children, who took separate vehicles.

My mom wants to wait until everyone is present before we start. We called their house and cell phone and got no answer. My dad decided that we needed to go ahead. I was in agreement. The food was getting cold and we had to end up reheating it.

Personally, I think it is very rude to be so late. I make sure my family is there on time. But they just don't seem to get it! They are late 100 percent of the time. And it is usually at least 1 hour.

GENTLE READER: We have august precedence for the rule that absolves people from staring at rapidly chilling food. George Washington decreed that he would not delay dinner for tardy guests. And he was citing an even higher authority: his cook.

As your hostess and presumed cook dissents, you must try persuasion. It may alleviate her misgivings if you tell her that Miss Manners considers it a kindness to the tardy guests not to have to bear the responsibility for spoiling dinner for the others. She recommends bringing them to the table when they arrive by saying, "We went ahead because we knew you wouldn't have wanted us to wait."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is is possible to reciprocate too quickly? My twin brother and I hosted a New Year's Day dinner party, mixing out-of-town guests with local friends. As the party was obviously drawing to an end, a friend issued an impromptu invitation for the group to go to his house for more champagne (and a tour of his lovely home). Most, including my brother and I, accepted his kind offer for the continuing festivities.

Is this impromptu invitation considered reciprocation by our friend? We are at a loss as to who issues the next invitation. By the way, my brother and I quickly reciprocated to our New Year's Eve hosts -- on the following evening, although the invitation was issued (and accepted) several weeks earlier.

GENTLE READER: Your dinner guest was continuing your dinner party, not reciprocating, so he still owes you. But his other guests now owe him as well as you. However, you and your New Year's Eve hosts are even, which is a good thing, because Miss Manners can't figure out who reciprocated to whom. Is there any champagne left?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a 60-year-old person, I am quite aware that smoking is bad, one shouldn't over-salt one's food, physical exercise is physically beneficial, and seat belts save lives.

I like where I live, having been here 21 years. Perhaps God wants me to marry again, but I don't even want to date. My sobriety date is March, 2001, and I see a shrink for depression. Does that make me fair game for unwanted advice?

Could you advise me as to a snappy, barely civil, and advice-ending rejoinder to those who persist in giving me unwanted guidance as to how I should live my life? The perps are largely close family members and close friends.

By the way, I recently quit smoking because I wanted to, and now wear my seat-belt to avoid another citation. Of course, the advice-givers are each taking credit for my meager improvements.

GENTLE READER: If you cut down on salt and went for a bike ride, would they shut up?

No, wait. Miss Manners is not joining the nagging chorus. She just wants to establish that we are talking about your children or siblings, who are trying to get you to follow doctors' orders, or freelance busybodies volunteering to direct your life.

The latter can be told, "Really? Smoking is bad and exercise is good? And here I thought it was the other way around." (You really must make this civil by using a tone of gentle, humorous admonishment.)

But that line is not going to work on your intimates. With them, you must say more humbly, "You see, I do change eventually. But I'm afraid constant reminders just put me off, and make me more stubborn. I appreciate your concern, but patience works better than nagging."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Before my husband and I began dating, he was relatively close friends with his brother's girlfriend, and she has continued this even after we got married.

For Christmas she bought him a pair of boxers as a joke. It wouldn't be so bad, but every chance she gets she asks me if he's wearing them.

I want to know your opinion of this. I don't really know what to think. I know that the age we live in is far less inclined to be polite (or decent for that matter).

GENTLE READER: Not to mention that some people have a strange idea of what constitutes a joke. Miss Manners needn't tell you that the inquiry is being made in hopes of obtaining another such joke.

Since this one would be based on your embarrassment or jealousy, you may want to head it off by saying gently, "I'm so sorry -- I realize that you are eager to know, because you keep asking me. But I'm afraid I don't discuss my husband's underwear with outsiders."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is proper protocol for evening attire in the winter months for women?

GENTLE READER: Velvet, heavy silks, brocade -- pretty much anything that doesn't flutter in the wind. And while the length of the dress will depend on the occasion, Miss Manners recommends something that can, if necessary, conceal a pair of galoshes.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am attending a "White Tie" ball. I was taught by my late father that White Tie included the tails, white pique shirt, vest and tie but should include white kid gloves, a white silk scarf, a top hat and walking stick. I have a link which really has the exact look that my father had.

I own all of this apparel, so it is not a problem to locate such items. Is it still proper to dress this way for a very formal event such as I mention above?

GENTLE READER: Your father must have been quite a well-turned-out gentleman, and Miss Manners rather regrets that on the rare occasions where white tie is still worn, the gloves (buckskin, rather than kid), hat and walking stick seldom accompany it.

However, as long as you don't line up with any gentlemen who are similarly outfitted and all start tipping your hats and twirling and tapping your walking sticks in unison, she would consider the full outfit to remain appropriate, not to mention dashing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If I am at a dance with my dancing partner, and someone asks to "cut in," taking my place, do I have to agree to allow him in or am I allowed to refuse? When I refused, my partner gasped and said it was mean. Was I right, or was she right?

GENTLE READER: Do you have a daughter? If so, Miss Manners asks you to remember that when the young lady happily produces a suitor who has the courtesy to ask you for her hand, you do not have the option of refusing.

Nor do you on the dance floor, where you have even more tenuous custody of the lady. The request to cut in is made for courtesy only.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a bartender for private parties and I work for a wage and tips. My company does not allow us to put out a tip jar, and I think when they book the parties, they let the customer believe that our gratuity is included in the cost of the party.

We can accept tips, just can't put out a tip jar. So a lot of times, it is out of sight, out of mind.

Is there any polite way to inform the person in charge of the party that a gratuity would be appreciated without sounding like soliciting? I have racked my brain and cannot come up with a phrase. If they give me a lead-in, I inform them I take tips, but it is rare. Any ideas?

GENTLE READER: Here's one that springs to mind: The host is not going to be delighted to have you trolling for tips after he was led to believe that this had been included in the price of the catering.

Miss Manners is not lacking in sympathy for underpaid workers who are being stiffed by their employers. But cajoling money from unsuspecting people -- either the hosts or their guests -- is detrimental to the business, and not the way to solve it. Your grievance is with your employer, and your redress would be to insist, along with whatever other service people he employs, that he pay you all the full service fee, whether or not he charges it to the host.

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