DEAR MISS MANNERS: Like so many who work in retail, I have been spending lots of time helping people find Christmas presents. I love the challenge of finding the perfect gift, so I often enjoy my job.

The trouble is that most of the people who come in to my store these days just march in and ask me what their mother (or sister, or father, or cousin) would like for Christmas. When I ask what their mother is interested in, or what they were thinking about getting her, I get only glares or frustrated sighs.

It has become clear to me that what they want me to say is, "Your mother (whom I've never met) would love this fabulous _____." I have come to the conclusion that what most people are in need of this Christmas are people in their lives who are willing to take some time to think about them.

It is my job to sell things to customers, not to lecture them about what a wonderful process buying a gift for a loved one can be.

Should I talk them into something and send them out the door if that really seems to be what they want? Is there a polite way to get them to start thinking?

GENTLE READER - No -- then they will only ask Miss Manners what to get their unknown and unseen mothers (and sisters and fathers and cousins). Come to think of it, they already do.

This is the attitude that has made a mockery of the exchange of thoughtful presents and turned holidays into a time when friends and relatives pay one another and distribute their shopping lists. Without the symbolism that shows that the giver has paid attention to the tastes and interests of the recipient, it seems a futile exercise.

But neither you nor Miss Manners will be able to supply that. She will keep urging thoughtfulness, and you, who are being put on the spot, must resort to showing the items for sale and asking, "Would she like this?" "Do you think this would please him?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I find it challenging to decline bridal shower and wedding invitations.

I dislike going to these events, which can be time-consuming -- I recently received an invitation for a bridal shower that began at 10 am and had events scheduled through 2 -- and expensive -- particularly when they are out of town. Nonetheless, I find it challenging to provide explanations for declining these kind invitations when I am asked -- sometimes explicitly and sometimes implicitly. How can I best approach my disinclination to attend without offending the inviting party?

GENTLE READER: Disinclination? You can't mean that. Or at least you can't be thinking that when you decline invitations to endless, dreary events.

Oops. Now you have Miss Manners doing it.

What she meant to say was that you must put yourself into the frame of mind of someone who is cruelly forced to bypass a great treat. Then you will be able to wail, "Oh, I wish I could. It sounds wonderful. I would just love to go, and I'm devastated that I can't..."

If you keep this up long enough, perhaps your hostess will forget to make that rude inquiry about why not. If she does, the reply is, "Oh, I have a commitment I can't get out of -- nothing that would interest you. I'm just so sorry I can't be there..." and then you start up all over again.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Each holiday season, my husband and I and our two young children drive 300 miles to visit my parents and some of my husband's relatives who live in the same area, then we fly three hours to visit his parents in another state for Christmas Day.

Last year, several of his aunts and uncles gave us gifts for both our family and my in-laws before we flew out in order that we should take these gifts with us to be opened on Christmas and (presumably) spare them the time and expense of mailing them themselves.

This was quite a burden on us. We try to pack as lightly as possible given the kids and their paraphernalia and our own gifts and don't have any extra room in our suitcases.

Also, with security the way it is, extra suitcases can be more than just a slight nuisance. Someone even gave us a fruit basket to take down! I didn't feel that I could say no without offense, since my doing so would mean their gifts wouldn't arrive on time and they were sending gifts for us, too (which we were expected to haul down, open up and then haul back).

I would like to prevent this from happening again this year, but I can't think of how to mention it without sounding crass. If I bring it up well enough in advance, it sounds like I'm expecting to get gifts, which I shouldn't be, and if I wait until they are pressing them upon me, I am then left with being the Grinch who wouldn't deliver the gifts. It doesn't help that my relationship with my husband's parents is already strained (though I generally get on well with the aunts and uncles). Can you offer any sage advice?

GENTLE READER: You are in need of some airport horror stories. Miss Manners understands that these are very easy to come by nowadays. If you don't have any of your own, try reading passengers' blogs or standing by a luggage carousel in your local airport and chatting up the people who are left when no more bags are forthcoming.

Now is the time to open a conversation with your relatives about luggage being lost, damaged or confiscated. Having established the unlikelihood of any packages surviving the flight, you can then demure, saying you would not want to take the responsibility.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family is Catholic, and my son's babysitter is Jewish. She takes wonderful care of him, taking him to and from pre-school and other various things while I am at work.

With the holiday season upon us, I would like to get her something to show my appreciation. Should I give it to her just before Christmas or during Hanukkah? (I am not familiar with Jewish holidays.)

GENTLE READER: Neither. This is a business relationship, however warm, and what the lady deserves is not a present but a year's end bonus, along with an expression of gratitude and good wishes.

But even with friends, being familiar with Hanukkah would not help. Some Jews have adapted secular traditions associated with Christmas; others consider Hanukkah a minor holiday, not to be offered as a substitute. And there are numerous other approaches. Miss Manners suggests you simply give them "holiday presents" on neither holiday.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have seen a number of weddings on television, and each time I am surprised to see the ceremony end in applause. For what? For whom? For the adorable couple, I assume, and yet I feel upset that the solemn moment is treated as an entertainment. Does this surprising ovation occur in a church, too, or in a synagogue, or a mosque? I feel that applause is more appropriate in a theater.

What is your opinion about the practice of clapping loudly for the newly wedded pair?

GENTLE READER: That it is hardly surprising, now that weddings have turned into show business extravaganzas, fashioned to dramatize the personalities and courtships of the principles rather than to witness their entering into the tradition of the society.

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