DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last night, a guest in our home told a racist joke. Not wanting to make him feel awkward, I laughed weakly, then felt awful the rest of the night, even though fortunately no targets of the joke were present. I want to know what the appropriate response would be if it happens again.

I hope your advice isn't to sit stonefaced. These people have been kind to us. I thought of saying, "Yes, well tell me about your vacation..."

GENTLE READER: You are probably under the impression that etiquette forbids ever making a guest feel awkward.

Well, close. Almost never. But you have just run into an exception. People who tell racist jokes should be given the opportunity to realize the impact on civilized people -- and, if possible, to redeem themselves by saying that they themselves (not their best friends) belong to the racial group that was the target of the joke.

Stony face is, in fact, the basic correct response. There is a less harsh version, however, for relatives and others with whom you may have reason to continue dealing. That is to look puzzled:

"I don't get it. Oh, it's supposed to show that they're stupid? Well, I know lots of stupid people, but it seems to me that they're from every sort of background. Smart people, too, for that matter..." and so on. You will soon reach a point where the joke teller cannot stand it any longer, and will be the one to break in with, "Yes, well tell me about your vacation."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received a wedding invitation with the following bullet points listed on the response card enclosure:

YES

___ THRILLED, I WOULDN'T MISS IT

___ THRILLED, FOR A CALIFORNIA SUNSHINE-FILLED WEEKEND

___ THRILLED, I CAN'T WAIT TO LEAVE THE KIDS AT HOME AND "LET LOOSE"

___ ALL OF THE ABOVE, AND BRINGING BEAUTIFUL GIFTS

NO

___ SORRY, MY BONES ARE WEAK

___ SORRY, I HAVE NEVER LEFT MY HOME TOWN

___ SORRY, I AM AFRAID OF AIRPLANES, EARTHQUAKES, AND TOFU LASAGNA

___ ALL OF THE ABOVE, BUT SENDING BEAUTIFUL GIFTS

Am I overreacting? I fail to see the humor in this distasteful response card, and I question whether I should even attend, despite having purchased my plane ticket months ago.

GENTLE READER: Well, you have been warned that it is likely to be a joke-y wedding, and that you will be prodded to produce "beautiful gifts."

It doesn't sound like much fun to Miss Manners, either, but if you are related to these people, and the tickets are not refundable, you may have to go through with it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Just before serving our entrees, the waiter at a lovely French restaurant placed a utensil I'd never seen before where the dessert fork and spoon usually go. It looked like a flat soup spoon and had a notch on one side. Can you tell me what it is?

GENTLE READER: It's a sauce spoon. The French are proud of their sauces and tired of watching people use bread as mops, so they gave the world this invention.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a newly elected minor public official, I work from my kitchen table, and I have no office staff. I have been surprised at the number of invitations I now receive.

I have received invitations to weddings of people I have never heard of, let alone met (I googled them to be sure.) I am now invited to large numbers of fundraisers and award dinners that carry hefty prices.

If there is a simple way to decline, I do. But I am at a loss when people are offended if I call and say I will be unable to attend, and want to know why.

I want to spend my free time as I choose, and while a certain number of local functions are required, I have no interest in going to events in other areas. I consider events with a charge to be in the category of if I don't buy your ticket, don't expect me.

Rather than a social invitation, which requires an answer, am I wrong? (I must say if they give me a stamped return envelope, I do send my regrets, but I draw the line at paying for a stamp to say no.) I do feel an obligation to respond if I am asked to present an award or speak, but those invitations come in much fewer numbers.

GENTLE READER: You are indeed new at this. Otherwise, Miss Manners is sure that you would know three rules of politics that apply to your problem:

1. The first choice of elected public officials is always to spend their free time with their constituents.

2. They don't have any free time. Day and night, they are at work for their constituents (although they are also kind and upstanding people who attend to their family obligations).

3. They are happy to seize any opportunity to correspond with their constituents.

So although solicitations to pay for events do not normally require a response, you might want to invest a few stamps in saying how much you regret that your duties keep you from enjoying all functions, at which you wish everyone well. If you do so charmingly enough, you may eventually rise to a position with franking privileges.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently inherited a pair of large, diamond stud earrings from my grandmother, who is still alive, but is expected to pass within the next year. I had a difficult time accepting them, but she insisted.

They are large stones in an old-fashioned gold setting that causes them to sit out from the ear quite a bit. Personally, I prefer white gold or platinum jewelry and find the setting to be awkward.

Would it be terrible for me to have them reset in another metal or have them turned into a necklace that I would wear often instead of keeping them in a jewelry box the rest of my life? Is this selfish? Wrong?

GENTLE READER: No, the earrings are now yours, and you may do what you please with them.

However, Miss Manners would be happier if you could restrain yourself from changing them during the apparently short remainder of your grandmother's lifetime. Seeing you wear them may give her pleasure.

Besides, it is possible that you may change your mind. Feelings sometimes change after someone is gone, and you may value them more then for their sentimental association. Fashions certainly change, and they go backward as often as forward. If that old-fashioned look becomes the latest thing, you may find you prefer it. If not, it will then be reasonable to change.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: At dinner with a friend, where the neighboring table was no more than a foot away, I mentioned that I had recently completed reading the final Harry Potter book. She asked me to tell her who had died in the final book, as she gave up on the series after the third book.

I was a little concerned that the table next to us had not read the book and decided that I should give them some buffer time to interrupt or take a trip to the restroom.

So I asked my friend if she was certain that she wanted to know who didn't make it till the end. I then asked her if she was aware of who passed away in books five and six, and outlined those deaths.

Seeing that the neighboring table did not object or leave, I proceeded to run down the lengthy list of casualties in book seven. I struck a cord with the final death (having already listed everyone else that had died), and a diner at the next table said, "Excuse me, we have not read the book yet."

Her companion then stated, "I tried not to listen, but then I heard the name ___. I have not read the final three books yet, so can you please change the subject?"

I apologized and stated that I was wondering if it would be an issue for them but expected that they would have interrupted sooner if it was.

Looking back on this situation, I have no idea what was and was not appropriate etiquette. I would like to know the rules about giving away endings to movies or books to strangers.

GENTLE READER: It appears as though the moral here ought to be that people who eavesdrop should pay closer attention and state their criticisms clearly and early.

Miss Manners thinks not. The better rule is never to say anything in public that you do not want overheard. And when you do so anyway, keep your voice down and avoid using names. (In this case, you could have written or whispered the name.)

Protecting others -- not only from literary surprises, but from foul language and salacious stories -- is one reason. A more compelling one to those tempted to tell all may be to protect themselves from gossipy eavesdroppers, including inadvertent ones.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are both in recovery from alcoholism and do not drink. Our children and careers have introduced us to many fine people, and we are often invited to attend dinners and parties with acquaintances. On these occasions, I have a sense of dread each time I am offered a cocktail.

I typically say I'd love a soda water and lime and leave it at that. It is only uncomfortable at small gatherings when people ask why we don't drink. I am not sure how to answer the question without giving too much personal information. We enjoy socializing with our friends and want to do so without drawing attention to our nondrinking.

GENTLE READER: You realize, of course, that people have no business inquiring why you do not drink alcohol, and you do not owe them an explanation.

Miss Manners recommends saying, "I don't care for any, thank you." Whether this is interpreted as meaning that you don't like the taste, or the effect, or are simply repeating declining drinks doesn't matter, because it closes the topic.

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