DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last night, a guest in our home told a racist joke. Not wanting to make him feel awkward, I laughed weakly, then felt awful the rest of the night, even though fortunately no targets of the joke were present. I want to know what the appropriate response would be if it happens again.
I hope your advice isn't to sit stonefaced. These people have been kind to us. I thought of saying, "Yes, well tell me about your vacation..."
GENTLE READER: You are probably under the impression that etiquette forbids ever making a guest feel awkward.
Well, close. Almost never. But you have just run into an exception. People who tell racist jokes should be given the opportunity to realize the impact on civilized people -- and, if possible, to redeem themselves by saying that they themselves (not their best friends) belong to the racial group that was the target of the joke.
Stony face is, in fact, the basic correct response. There is a less harsh version, however, for relatives and others with whom you may have reason to continue dealing. That is to look puzzled:
"I don't get it. Oh, it's supposed to show that they're stupid? Well, I know lots of stupid people, but it seems to me that they're from every sort of background. Smart people, too, for that matter..." and so on. You will soon reach a point where the joke teller cannot stand it any longer, and will be the one to break in with, "Yes, well tell me about your vacation."
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received a wedding invitation with the following bullet points listed on the response card enclosure:
YES
___ THRILLED, I WOULDN'T MISS IT
___ THRILLED, FOR A CALIFORNIA SUNSHINE-FILLED WEEKEND
___ THRILLED, I CAN'T WAIT TO LEAVE THE KIDS AT HOME AND "LET LOOSE"
___ ALL OF THE ABOVE, AND BRINGING BEAUTIFUL GIFTS
NO
___ SORRY, MY BONES ARE WEAK
___ SORRY, I HAVE NEVER LEFT MY HOME TOWN
___ SORRY, I AM AFRAID OF AIRPLANES, EARTHQUAKES, AND TOFU LASAGNA
___ ALL OF THE ABOVE, BUT SENDING BEAUTIFUL GIFTS
Am I overreacting? I fail to see the humor in this distasteful response card, and I question whether I should even attend, despite having purchased my plane ticket months ago.
GENTLE READER: Well, you have been warned that it is likely to be a joke-y wedding, and that you will be prodded to produce "beautiful gifts."
It doesn't sound like much fun to Miss Manners, either, but if you are related to these people, and the tickets are not refundable, you may have to go through with it.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Just before serving our entrees, the waiter at a lovely French restaurant placed a utensil I'd never seen before where the dessert fork and spoon usually go. It looked like a flat soup spoon and had a notch on one side. Can you tell me what it is?
GENTLE READER: It's a sauce spoon. The French are proud of their sauces and tired of watching people use bread as mops, so they gave the world this invention.
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