DEAR MISS MANNERS: When we have company, my husband and I have been confounded on several occasions by people who, upon seeing a computer in our study, say they need to "log on" to check their e-mail.

Our study, and particularly our desk, has many personal and confidential papers within view of anyone sitting at the computer. Usually, we keep the desk as organized as possible and the door to the room closed.

But this has not deterred some people who ask for a tour of the house and who then squeal with delight at the sight of our computer. When I have told people that the desk is piled with personal papers, they just shrug it off and say "don't worry," they "won't look," or they become offended because I don't trust them.

Once, I caught a houseguest in the middle of the night at my desk, surfing the Internet because he "couldn't sleep." We were deluged with pornographic ads after that. Another time, someone commented on a paper that was in a folder on the computer desktop screen.

One relative, after reading his e-mail, began reading our e-mail and God knows what else. Short of locking the door, what would be the polite way to tell people they can't use our computer? Even if, as they say, it's "just for a minute"?

GENTLE READER: When it comes to the sort of people who read their hosts' mail and bring pornography into the house, the door that should be locked is the front door.

But in regard to polite guests, Miss Manners is afraid that the computer is taking the place that the telephone had before the widespread use of cellular ones. That is, guests should ask before using it, keep their use of it short, avoid incurring expenses or pay for those they do and leave it in the same shape they found it. (That last was not a problem with telephones, but refers delicately to the nastiness of opening the computer to pornographers.)

But when they do ask, reasonable hosts allow them brief use.

And yes, that means cleaning up your desk, because even polite people find their eyes straying. It also means putting security on your data in the computer and establishing a guest sign-in. You cannot expect Miss Manners to know how to do this, but she has been assured that it can be done.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am attending a wedding in a couple of weeks. There was no gift registry mentioned or included in the invitation. The couple is rich, has lived together for years, etc. What do I give them for a wedding gift? I was thinking just a cash amount. Please advise.

GENTLE READER: Although she despises registries because it is crass to show guests you are expecting them to fork over, let alone to pick out what you expect them to buy, Miss Manners thought the justification was to avoid giving people what they already have.

And you indicate that these people already have money.

Perhaps they also have the good taste not to ask for presents, making them a great rarity these days.

Miss Manners is afraid that you will have to exercise some thought to determine what might please these people. That is what is meant when presents are spoken of and appreciated as being thoughtful.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I love hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas. I have hosted these holidays for all my siblings and their children every year since my mother got sick and was no longer able to host it herself. My parents are, of course, invited, and it really ends up being a potluck, but I always have it at my house.

Now that my boys are married, they seem to not want to come to our house every year. One of my daughters-in-law even suggested that I let her host it at their apartment one year and try out some new "traditions."

I feel very insulted because I am not yet sick like my mother was/is nor am I too old to host these holidays and don't see why my sons or their wives would imply this.

They also seem reluctant to visit us at the house very often the rest of the year but invite us to come over anytime we're in town to visit them at their apartment.

Isn't it good etiquette for the younger to visit the older? I often visit my parents, and they don't visit me except for these two holidays. I thought I raised my boys to have good manners, especially toward their elders. Please help me know what to say to my sons and daughters-in-law to fix this.

GENTLE READER: How about "Thank you for your kind invitation"? An invitation is not an insult, and your children are not insinuating that you are incompetent or sick by inviting you to visit them.

But before you conclude that Miss Manners has joined the conspiracy, she would like to point out that showing appreciation does not constitute an acceptance. It is a way to open a conversation without turning it into an emotional tug-of-war.

You should explain graciously that you enjoy giving those dinners; your daughters-in-law should reply equally graciously that they would enjoy having you as a guest. And then you work out a compromise that allows each of you to do some entertaining and some being entertained. And you remember to be thankful that your relatives want to be hospitable to you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 21-year-old grandson asked me a candle question for which I did not have the answer. He said he had been told that one never displays a candle that has not been previously lit. His information was that any candle should be lighted, if only momentarily, so the wick would indicate the candle was not new.

Is there such a rule? Perhaps you could do a bit on candle etiquette.

GENTLE READER: There is such a rule, Miss Manners has to admit. It is the sort of thing that makes people think that etiquette has nothing better to do.

The idea is to discourage using candles just for show; they should be there because they are used. (Yes, you can fake that by blowing them right out, but so what?)

The only other rule that comes to mind is not to light candles during daylight. And oh, yes, don't set the guests on fire.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a full-time graduate student, my schedule lends itself to more flexibility than those of my four roommates, who are all working professionals. Consequently, I have been asked to take them to airports and train stations (for both work and personal reasons) at nearly all hours of the day and night.

Usually, I comply with their requests. One time I even took a roommate to the train station at 3 a.m.

I've noticed that when I ask for a favor, no one seems to help, for reasons having little to do with scheduling. In fact, I've become upset over their reluctance to help me out. However, I am beginning to think that my reasons for being irritated are more than a little self-centered. After all, transporting people to and from the airport is something I chose to do as their friend, and they made no promises of reciprocation.

Yet I also would like for them to help me when I need it. I guess, Miss Manners, I need you to set my attitude to rights, and to reinforce that my gift of help was just that -- a gift.

GENTLE READER: Usually, it is youngsters who, having been told to write letters of thanks to their grandmothers, argue that giving becomes impure if there is any expectation of a duty in return. You are generous to apply this idea to yourself.

Nevertheless, Miss Manners does not buy it.

Civilization is based on the idea of reciprocity. It can't always be exactly calculated or timed, and allowances are made for circumstances and individual ability. If children reciprocate the care their parents take of them, it is apt to be decades later.

People with limited resources get full credit for reciprocating whether or not their hospitality and presents are as lavish as what they are given.

But a system by which some people always give and others never give back does not work. Whether you wish to continue doing favors for these ingrates is not for Miss Manners to say. But she can tell you that you are justified in resenting their attitude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Before another Thanksgiving comes and goes, please tell me how to use my gravy boats. I have two: one with my good china that has an attached dish/plate at the bottom and a spout; and the other with my everyday dishes that has a spout but no attached plate.

Am I to pour from the spout with each one? Or am I to use some sort of spoon? And if I use the spoon, then what? Do I put this spoon in the boat or on the attached dish. And what if the gravy boat is passed?

GENTLE READER: The chief idea here is not to spread the gravy around -- around the tablecloth, around your guests' laps, or around the laps of the guests sitting next to them.

So while a footed gravy boat with a spout does not require a gravy ladle or an under-liner, Miss Manners recommends both for thick gravies and thick-fingered diners.

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