DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm an old guy - 60 -- and as guys we don't want to be invited to or attend office wedding and baby showers. In my day, these were by and for women.

Fine. If they like them, go for it.

But we don't like them, and we don't want to go to them. We all complain about it among ourselves, but none of us has the testosterone-makers to tell the women at the office to leave us off the guest list.

How do we get the message out? Stop the madness. Leave us guys out!

GENTLE READER: Trust Miss Manners: You don't want to make this a gender issue.

Not unless your idea of manly fun is to have the shower contingent challenge the sensitivity of your feelings toward your female colleagues at tender moments in their lives. Plus, they are bound to point out to you that as many males as females get married and have children.

But wait. Miss Manners has a plan to strengthen your case.

Make it a workplace issue. The case you should make is that personal celebrations -- which includes birthdays as well as marriages and births -- should not be celebrated in the office. Unlike retirement or promotion parties, they do not relate to work matters and should be celebrated with friends on their own time. Colleagues who have become friends will presumably want to be involved, but those with merely a working relationship should not be conscripted.

Yes, there will be those who protest at your heartlessness. But the gentlemen are already on your side, and you will be joined by those ladies who are tired of donating money, being tempted to eat cake and having their work interrupted for social celebrations on behalf of people with whom they have no real social relationship.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of my closest friends has three girls 13, 10 and 6 in age. When we get together, whether at a home or in public, her kids act out. Screaming, crying, yelling, doing spit balls in a restaurant.

The parents sometimes try to discipline them, but then they just end up giving in, making the rest of the parents very upset. It seems like they want the rest of us to discipline but then don't support that when it happens, or they end up mad at us for stepping in.

It has gotten to the point that people do not want to be with them if they have their children. You just cannot have a good time when the kids are around.

So some of us have started doing things without them and without them knowing, since they would be very upset that they were left out. The adults are fun to be with, but the children are in your face and eating over the food; they just do not have any manners. What is a good friend to do?

GENTLE READER: Let the parents figure out why they are being left out.

Miss Manners does not suggest this to be cruel. On the contrary: She wants to save the children from a lifetime of the social exclusion that is the result of being unfamiliar with the concept of tempering one's feelings out of consideration of others.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend recently sent me a link to a Web site with information about her niece and her intended who are getting married six months from now.

The backfield was crimson. The print and wedding-theme logos were white. There was a grid of nine boxes to click, pulling up different windows listing dates, events, accommodations, attendants, guest book and bridal registries for which the engaged couple had signed up.

There was a box marked "photo album," which, if clicked, pulled up a slide show of family photos. There was a box "about us" which, if clicked, pulled up a photo of the couple and prose about who they are and how they met.

I thought the Web site looked so high tech as to seem like a promo for an upcoming theatrical release. I thought it vulgar -- perhaps a bad joke. And it could be somewhat exclusionary in light of possible older family members who are not computer and Internet savvy.

I asked a couple of friends if they had ever seen such a wedding announcement Web site; only one had.

Is this a new trend? Is the romance gone from weddings in the name of slick merchandizing of the couple hoping to take in a truckload of gifts? Does one assume there will be a prenuptual agreement, too? It is all so show-biz. I'd enjoy knowing what you think about it.

GENTLE READER: In the years immediately preceding the wedding Web site (which is now common, although your circle has been fortunate enough to miss it), invitations sent by mail were so stuffed with directions, hotel choices and sightseeing opportunities that the marriage seemed like merely one choice of amusements among many.

For that reason, Miss Manners would consider the Web site a useful improvement. But that is only until she looks at what is stuffed into it.

The unlimited space on the Internet seems to have turned everyone into the person no one wants to sit next to on the airplane. And beyond the widespread general desire to pour out their lives and thoughts to all and sundry, lovers are notoriously susceptible to believing that they are the center of the universe and the envy of all.

Of course, they are influenced by show business. Do you think the couple has spent that long engagement gazing at each other? They have been working on the set, the costumes, the make-up, the props and the extras (that's you, the wedding guests).

So they not only create the promo but include a sort of illustrated fan magazine story about themselves.

True, it is not in the best of taste. But kindhearted people are inclined to indulge them in this on the grounds that they are not, at this moment of their lives, in their right minds.

And it is useful to have the map and the hotel list, and easy to make printouts for the computer-less.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At my mother's house, I was just hanging out and having a drink, which I was slurping. When my mother realized I was slurping, she said it was rude to slurp -- but we did not have any company. I know it is rude to slurp in public, but is it rude to slurp in private?

GENTLE READER: No, but you were not in private. You were in the company of your mother.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of your gentle readers used the phrase "people of breeding," and indicated that they knew certain rules of etiquette. I cannot help but think of dogs and horses as objects of breeding rather than people.

Is the phrase still an acceptable way to refer to people well versed in basic etiquette?

GENTLE READER: People do breed, Miss Manners is given to understand. But you are quite right that those who believe that it is something about which to brag in public cannot be considered polite.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On a recent road trip, I stopped at a small-town auto parts store to buy a replacement brake-light bulb. Realizing I would need a socket wrench to complete the repair, I went inside and asked for assistance.

I asked if they had a wrench I could borrow for a few minutes, and the young man kindly offered to put in the replacement bulb himself, as I am a young lady who (as evidenced by my confused look) does not know much about car repairs.

When he was finished, I went inside to pay for the bulb, which was about a dollar. I gave the young man three dollars and said to keep the change, as well as verbally thanking him for his assistance. He silently handed me back all of the change, and gave me a look to indicate that he was insulted.

It is my understanding that a tip is given when a service is performed. Considering this young man worked at an auto-parts store and not an auto-repair shop, I thought it would be appropriate to give him a little something for his trouble, so to speak. Was I wrong to do so?

GENTLE READER: Evidently. But how were you to know that you had encountered one of the rare survivors of the once-universal American disdain for tipping?

A mere century ago, as Miss Manners recalls, tipping was considered an affront to both the dignity of labor and the generosity of helpfulness. The idea was that we all earned our wages and that if we did extra favors, it was out of the goodness of our hearts. It was therefore insulting to imply that we were trolling for handouts.

Then came the ugly notion that employers could avoid paying fair wages for service jobs when it was implied that the quality of service depended on how much extra the client was willing to throw in. Honest workers, who took pride in doing their best anyway, had no choice; they were forced to depend on tips to make a living.

In recent years, the last vestiges of pride seemed to have vanished, and cupped hands or tip cups are everywhere.

Except in that particular auto parts store.

Miss Manners is sorry about your embarrassment, which you can avoid in future by asking, "May I pay you?" so that it sounds like a regular charge rather than a tip. But she can't help admiring the cause.

: