DEAR MISS MANNERS: When someone you know has a death in the family, I always believed an appropriate response was ,"I am sorry for your loss" or simply, "I am so sorry."

On more than one occasion, the response to this condolence has been "It's not your fault."

The times this has happened, it is very upsetting, but I have remained quiet, red face and all, so as not to upset an already grieving friend. It feels as if the condolence is being thrown back in your face.

Why is this some people's response, and what is the best way to respond?

GENTLE READER: This is, indeed, an untoward and off-putting remark, when the only reply needed is a simple "Thank you."

Miss Manners is as puzzled as you about why people respond as you noticed. Are they feeling blame for the death elsewhere and reassuring you that you are not a suspect? Are they reacting automatically because they associate the phrase "I'm sorry" with people who bump into them accidentally?

In any case, the effect is as if they are rejecting your sympathy because their misfortune is none of your concern.

But you do not want to quibble with the newly bereaved. By way of drawing them back to your meaning, you might say gently, "No, of course not, but I want to offer you my sympathy."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One is usually advised not to announce a pregnancy until it is a couple of months along. How, then, should one respond to well-meaning friends and relatives who ask knowingly about why one is suddenly no longer drinking wine?

GENTLE READER: "I don't care for any just now, thank you." Miss Manners assures you that it is not necessary to say, "Because the last time I drank, it got me into trouble."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a gentle reader of a large newspaper, I have been observing what I think is a fairly new phenomenon, but one that seems to be on the rise. That is the practice of parents announcing a daughter's engagement by prefacing "announce" with such adverbs as joyfully or happily. Another variation is "are pleased to announce."

There was even an engagement acknowledgement where the giddy parents announced their "favorite daughter's" engagement. Guess this does not bode well for any other unmarried daughters. How will their engagements be announced: "Joyfully announce the engagement of our least favorite daughter?"

Will Miss Manners please comment on the appropriateness or lack therof?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners didn't even care for the traditional formal announcement, which stated that the parents were honored (or rather, honoured) to make the announcement. The parents' emotions on this occasion, even the conventional and restrained ones of feeling honored, seem, well, a trifle defensive. We assume that they approve of the marriage, or they would have locked their daughter in her room.

Bursting out with their unrestrained joy, especially these days, smacks of relief. One conjures them thanking God that someone finally came along for their daughter, or that the father of their grandchildren finally proposed.

As for the favorite daughter part, Miss Manners can only hope that it was a grammatical error on the part of people who have only one daughter.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am currently a senior in high school, which means I have been through 12 years of public school with a consistent etiquette issue -- that of fundraising.

In my school experience, we were always handed glossy brochures and large, pre-printed envelopes with the instruction to sell the lackluster goods to relatives, neighbors, our parents' friends and co-workers, and even to teachers. I usually demur and offer to pay my own dues for whatever club or field-trip, because I was taught not to ask people for money, which is, in essence, what fundraising is.

Usually the heads of such fundraising efforts tell me to get over myself, and I end up buying a lot of useless things in order to avoid bothering people. I am also intensely awkward saying no whenever I am asked to buy overpriced chocolates and candles to support someone else's extra curriculars.

Is fundraising of this sort rude or not? If it is not, you can, of course, also tell me to get over myself. If it is indeed rude, I would appreciate any tips you have for dealing with these situations.

GENTLE READER: Yes, no matter how well intentioned and for how good a cause, embarrassing people into buying things they don't want is rude. Good intentions do not justify bad behavior.

But nor does your recognizing the rudeness excuse you from recognizing the need from which it mistakenly sprang. That you should refrain from buying or selling over-priced goods is reasonable. That you should disdain supporting the activities of your school on behalf of those who cannot pay dues for them is selfish.

You could do your school an important service by suggesting alternative fund-raising methods. If you research the profit allocations of the company that supplies the merchandise, you may find that the school gets a disproportionately small share. Using the labor and talents of students -- whether in old-fashioned bake sales, car washes and concerts, or at something more innovative -- may turn out to be more profitable. And selling useful services is not rude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper etiquette when receiving a knife as a gift? I always was told that the receiver of the knife was to pay the giver a penny or other monetary sum so as not to sever the relationship.

Now I have been to a few bridal showers lately and am being told that the giver is to give the receiver the penny as well as the knife. The latter doesn't make sense to me. Please help!

GENTLE READER: Superstitions are not supposed to make sense. The idea behind this one is, as you realize, that the knife is bought (for a penny) because to give and accept it would indicate the wish to sever the relationship.

But what if you bring such a present, with all warm wishes, to your dear friend who is getting married -- and she doesn't happen to have change? Should you quickly return the dress you bought to wear to her wedding, since by that time, you are likely to be enemies?

Or, to ward off this calamity, should you give her another present -- a penny -- at the same time, so that she is sure to have change and will not have to re-do the seating chart at her wedding dinner?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I recently entertained some family members at our home, a small gathering of 12 people. My wife's uncle brought his girlfriend he's been seeing for several months and that I met one time very briefly a couple of months ago.

When I greeted the girlfriend upon her arrival, I shook her hand. As the evening progressed, I got to know her better. When it was time for her and the uncle to leave, I wasn't sure if should shake her hand goodbye or if it was appropriate to give her a kiss on the cheek. It was rather awkward for me. What would've been the proper thing to do?

GENTLE READER: To wait to see what the lady would do. If she put out her hand, you should have shaken it; if she offered her cheek, you should have kissed it, or rather the air close to it.

Admittedly, greeting gestures are in a state of chaos at the moment. But Miss Manners assures you that there is no rule requiring you to grab your wife's uncle's girlfriend on short acquaintance. You surely could not have gotten to know her that intimately at a family gathering of a dozen people.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Whenever my closest friend asks for something, I usually do my best to lend it to her, whether it is food, money or anything else.

What's the problem? She never keeps track of what she owes me.

She will borrow money and forget to pay me back. Rarely does she pay me back with cash; instead, she will buy me something, like a movie ticket, but it will always cost less than the money I gave to her.

To make matters worse, she never carries around her own cash, so whenever we go to a restaurant, I always have to foot the bill. Finally (though there are other problems), whenever we decide to pay for something together, she will always pay for the cheaper items.

I have tried to confront her about this situation before, but she would not listen. She even told me that true friends do not keep track of what they owe each other. The second time I tried to talk to her, she got so upset that she did not talk to me for a while.

We have been friends for eight years and plan on being roommates next year. I do not want to lose this relationship over something like this. I do not know what to do.

GENTLE READER: Stay up all night guarding your possessions. Or resign yourself to supporting her.

Miss Manners appreciates your affection for your friend despite that person's lack of consideration for you. Her own harshness arises from the telling fact that your friend not only refuses to discuss the matter, but rebuffed your attempts to do so with astonishing rudeness. Otherwise, you might have had a sympathetic discussion about what each of you can afford and reached a solution, such as finding less expensive quarters and having cheaper outings, so that her financial restraints would not create a burden for you.

It is true that etiquette has polite ways of jostling people of good will into realizing that they have transgressed. But when someone has repeatedly demonstrated herself to be impervious to the claims of friendship, gratitude and decency, no tactful hint is going to change her.

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