DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a college professor at a small university, and I have had several students take a snippy, rude or high-handed tone with me.

When offering a range of times at which I would be available to meet with a student, I was interrupted and told shortly, "Well, it will have to be after 3 on Monday, because that's the only time I'm free."

Another student wrote, "I just feel that we need to straighten this situation out and make sure that we're both on the same page!" when in fact she simply did not like the lateness policy.

A third told me, "I want to know what's happening with this grade, because I'm not used to getting grades like this and I'm going to medical school!"

To the written correspondence, I respond in a polite and coldly formal fashion. However, I have difficulty in person or on the phone. I would resort to a simple, neutral "I beg your pardon?" but I'm afraid that they will fail to grasp the intent of this reply.

How can I indicate that a student's tone is inappropriate without being rude in return?

GENTLE READER: By saying so.

It is true that Miss Manners spends many of her waking hours warning people against criticizing one another's behavior outright -- and yes, thank you, she sees the irony. (She offers instruction only upon request.)

But there are certain people who may properly insist on the etiquette of their domains: judges in courtrooms, parents in their households and teachers in their classrooms and offices. You cannot court-martial offenders, send them to their rooms or roam the campus handing out etiquette violations.

But you can insist on proper respect being maintained toward yourself and, for that matter, toward other students in your class. Think of it as a long-neglected part of their education. The reply to the cheeky remarks you quoted should be that you will discuss the matter when they address you in a civil fashion.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Shortly after I started working in a small doctor's office, I found out I was pregnant, and I invited everyone in the office to come to the baby shower.

Now that my baby's first birthday is approaching, I'm not sure what the correct protocol is. Should the guest list for the shower and the first birthday be the same? I'm worried that I might come off as being too greedy if I invite all my co-workers and just plain rude if I don't.

GENTLE READER: Then invite only members of your family rather than any of your co-workers.

No doubt the latter were happy to knock off work to have some cake and celebrate your becoming a mother. But Miss Manners must tell you that this does not mean that they would be devastated to miss the opportunity to have more cake by attending a baby's birthday party on their own time. No, not even the small doctor.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Should my wife and I invite close neighborhood friends who have never met my ?daughter to her wedding? The wedding will be held in a neighborhood venue.

GENTLE READER: If they are close friends, they should be invited on that ground alone. Miss Manners hopes it was not your daughter who told you that only her friends should be invited to this family occasion.

But if they are simply close neighbors, with whom you have only a mild friendship, you should probably invite them on the grounds that they will otherwise complain about the traffic congestion.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Times are financially stressful for me these days. I am living from paycheck to paycheck, and while I am making progress, it takes all that I have to keep up with my current financial responsibilities and debt.

To compound matters, I've recently been asked to participate in a commitment ceremony by my ex-wife and her partner. They joyfully refer to the ceremony as a wedding, and I am truly happy for them. I support their enormously important commitment to stand by one another; however, I'm really kind of uncomfortable being asked to participate.

Although our divorce was recent (a little over a year) and amicable, it was brought about by significant trust and financial issues I had with my ex-wife, and I'm not sure I've fully resolved them. As amicable as we were able to remain, it was also emotionally tumultuous.

I still care about her, and really want her to be happy, but I think I'd have been happier to just be invited as a guest or to decline to attend altogether. I agreed to attend, because she is still my friend and we do have a history together.

Now I find myself in the role of "best man/mister of honor" which is gracious on her part but surprising to me, given all we'd been through. Because none of her family can or will attend the ceremony, I think she honored me as I was, at one time, an important part of her family.

Do I decline to participate, or is it more appropriate to table my discomfort and support my ex-wife, my friend, regardless of our history?

I really want to do the right thing, but I'm torn between lingering feelings and financial stress. I'm trying pretty hard to be honorable and a person of etiquette.

GENTLE READER: Much as Miss Manners approves of amiability in partings, she finds the question of a former spouse's attending -- much less participating in -- a similar subsequent event to be creepy.

Surely it must be hard (whether from sadness or amusement) for such a person to listen to vows of permanency without remembering when the same person said the same things before. At any rate, hinting so ("I wish you happiness, but the ceremony would awake too many memories for me") is flattering.

Sending your former wife this sentimental message, along with your very best wishes for her happiness, will leave you free to stay home and worry about the financial mess in which she left you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the protocol for sending flowers when a family member is hospitalized then sent home because nothing more can be done for the patient?

The intent is that our office would send flowers, but with the recent update, is it still appropriate? May we add, the patient has since been sent home.

GENTLE READER: Why are you hesitating about sending flowers to his home, since you know that he is there? Isn't that what you were planning to do when he was hospitalized?

Please rid Miss Manners of the ghastly feeling that you plan to spring for only one order of flowers and are thinking whether it wouldn't look better to send them to the funeral than to try to cheer him now. Fewer flowers twice would be more gracious than more when he is gone.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I flew from New York City to Los Angeles, I entertained a most charming 7-year-old for 5-1/2 hours. My only concern: He wasn't mine, nor in any way related to me, nor had I ever met him before.

His mother and godmother summarily dumped him and his slightly older brothers in various middle seats in coach -- then returned to enjoy a peaceful trip in business class. Not only did they come to check on the children only once during the flight, but my companion solemnly explained that he was "not allowed" to go up to business class to see his Mom for any reason.

The three boys were provided with only one DVD-player and a couple of electronic games among them -- without extra batteries and without headphones. As the youngest, my new friend got short shrift. Which left me little recourse other than abandoning my book and resorting to reading lessons from the 'Sky Mall' catalogue, trading seats so he could look out the window and pepper me with questions, and teaching him numerous interesting faces to try to help him pop his ears during landing. As well as ensuring his safety during frequent turbulence.

He was definitely -- as his godmother beamingly told me in the rest room line -- a "wonderful kid." His manners were impeccable: He solemnly shook my hand in thanks and regret that we wouldn't see each other after landing. And I appreciated the compliments from surrounding passengers that I "must be a teacher" (I am not) and that I demonstrated the "patience of Job."

But I am absolutely appalled at his mother and godmother! I know flights were full because of a storm and flight cancellations -- but there were so many alternatives they could have pursued: asking people to shift so the three boys could travel together; ensuring their games were fully charged or had extra batteries -- and headphones!; sending the "baby-sitters" free drinks or meals from business class; or, at a minimum, checking on the boys -- and us! -- more frequently.

In an effort to continue demonstrating that at least some adults think of something other than themselves, I did nothing but smile and say "you're welcome" at Mom and God-mom's off-hand thanks as I left.

What could I have politely said? Do I have the right to be appalled? Or should I simply be thankful that I have learned a new possibly marketable skill: airline baby-sitting?

GENTLE READER: Your question, Miss Manners divines, is not whether you should be appalled -- you already are. It is whether you could have decently make these ladies appalled at themselves.

Probably not.

Most parents would simply assume that you were lucky to have had such a charming traveling companion. (Of course, had these ladies thought so, they could have traveled with him themselves.)

The charitable thought that they knew they could trust the children is dispelled by the admonition not to try to get in touch "for any reason." Had he misbehaved, or been in any difficulty, you could have take it upon yourself to summon the mother.

However, apparently he had beautiful manners. Miss Manners suspects a caring caregiver in the background. And the mother and godmother were apparently treating you as such, ignoring the crucial difference that you were neither a relative nor a paid employee.

But at least you were properly and graciously thanked -- by the young gentleman himself. Miss Manners would think that his pleasure, even more than the admiration of other passengers, would reward you for being so kind.

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