DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have finally turned 30, and I couldn't be more pleased. It enables me to assume a bit of dignity, and I find that I receive more respect at work (I'm a nurse) because there are a few lines around my eyes. And yet, among the celebrations is a shadow. My friends are all turning 30 as well, and dreading it.

I want to be there for my friends when they're feeling depressed, but if I have to attend another party where the hostess is drunk and depressed and spends half the night in the bathroom weeping over lost youth, I will have to join a holy sisterhood.

I have tried to lead by example, and I have tried to liven things up, but it is impossible if the hostess refuses to come out of her room because she doesn't look like a 15-year-old fashion model. These are accomplished women with wonderful families and/or careers. I don't mind sitting around watching a movie because someone's feeling blue, but if there's going to be a party, I expect festivity.

Is there a way to inquire whether my hostess intends to spend the night celebrating her life, or wallowing in self-pity? Is it rude or just unfeeling to expect that birthday parties will continue to be as festive as they were at 21? (Maybe a touch more refined...)

GENTLE READER: You are to be congratulated on escaping the notion that since one cannot remain forever young, one can at least remain forever immature. As you have noticed, this is a widespread belief.

You also need to escape these so-called parties. When the hostess won't come out of her room, it is time either to call the rescue squad or to go home.

Miss Manners suggests responding to birthday invitations by exclaiming "How wonderful! Congratulations! Isn't it great to be grown up?" Then, depending on the answer, you can accept the party invitation or decline regretfully while offering to take your friend to a celebratory (and cheerleading) lunch. If she ever comes out of her room, that is.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my father passed away recently, we (his family) arranged for his burial, a dignified marker, a small but tasteful obit, and a small reception to be held later for a few friends and family. (As a point of interest, Dad left behind less wealth than he brought into the world, and yes, there are costs involved for food, travel, lodging, etc., that have been spent willingly to give him a proper sendoff.)

Yet Dad was quite a colorful public personality well loved by many -- even though when it came to his family, he was mostly missing in action, appearing mostly, if at all, during holidays. Some of his acquaintances continue to offer opinions on the obit, declaring it beneath Dad's stature (and yet everyone seems to have seen it) or the lack of a proper bash at a local bar in Dad's honor.

Is there an appropriate response for comments that may be well meant, but ill-conceived and in fact hurtful?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners has a hard time with the possibility that well-meaning people go around haranguing bereaved families. Do they offer such criticisms because they think this is useful? Or kind?

Your response to such impertinence should be, "The family did what we believe is right. But of course you are welcome to write about him or to organize a memorial."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband's family has a coat of arms that was granted to one of their ancestors in the 1700s. My husband had it engraved in a seal he uses when mailing something important, such as wedding invitations.

I thought of having some nice stationery printed with the coat of arms at the top, to use for formal occasions. Are there any ways or occasions where you think it is appropriate to use a coat of arms, without looking like a total parvenue?

GENTLE READER: Are you worried that people might think you sent for it in the mail?

They will if you use it casually. Not surprisingly, such things come with traditions attached.

It is indeed correct to use a coat of arms on documents as formal as a wedding invitation, but on less formal papers, such as letters (even very stern letters) and menu cards (even when serious food is served), it is considered more tasteful to use only the crest, with the shield, motto and other doo-dads -- not the technical term -- omitted. Noblesse oblige and all that.

And now Miss Manners must deliver the catch:

Wives do not use their husbands' coats of arms except on mutually issued formal invitations or announcements, and do not use even the crest when writing alone, which is the only way a letter can be written.

They may, however, use a lozenge, which, in this case, is not a cough drop but a diamond-shaped version of the shield. These are uncommon enough in the United States that they have the advantage of protecting you from seeming pretentious. Most people will simply assume that it came ready-made on your writing paper.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I went out to dinner with my boyfriend, a mutual friend and two friends of the mutual friend, it was decided that we would all split four medium pizzas. However, I had an upset stomach for the entire evening and only had a small bite of pizza. I was sitting outside getting fresh air for most of the event, and was not present when the bill came.

Later that evening, I was feeling better and ready to eat, but the leftover slices of pizza had been left at the restaurant and therefore lost.

It turns out that my boyfriend ended up covering two-fifths of the bill -- my one-fifth and his one-fifth. I paid him back my share. However, I ate almost nothing, and in fact was deprived of most of my share by a decision I had no part in (throwing away the leftovers). Please, what would have been proper conduct in that situation?

GENTLE READER: Please tell Miss Manners you are not hoping to squeeze the price of your uneaten (but bitten into) pizza from these people.

But you are, aren't you?

What would have been proper conduct in this situation would have been for you to apologize for having left the group (yes, even though you couldn't help it) and to thank the gentleman when you reimbursed him for the food that you ordered and bit. Had your queasiness not abated, you would have been thankful not to be exposed to leftover pizza.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would really like to send a card or a present, preferably both, to my husband's first wife on her second marriage. I am officially "the Other Woman" (but only if you want the Hollywood version). I know it sounds bizarre, but I have been acquainted with this woman for nearly three decades.

No, it wasn't friendly, but there were moments. I was helping to raise their/our kids and see that she was kept in the loop when it was on our side.

I could not be happier for her or sincerely wish her less than all of the best. Would it be wrong? Patronizing? Or what?

I am the sort of woman that would hug someone in the emergency room when her/his/our kid was being treated. So it would be something that I would do, except at my age I am a little gun shy about what comes naturally.

When you are number two you try harder.

GENTLE READER: Have you also come to understand that this does not always mean you will succeed?

Perhaps all of those whom you hugged in emergency rooms felt gratitude for a touch of humanity from someone who presumably was in a similar situation. But it is always possible to encounter someone who shrinks at the intrusion of a stranger at a difficult time. People are different.

While it is true that you were also in a situation with this lady, it was not exactly, Miss Manners has to point out, from a similar perspective. Perhaps she is ready to be friends; perhaps not.

This is certainly not meant to discourage you from making an overture. But it should be a careful and dignified one. No doubt you can find a card that gives greetings to a bride from the person in possession of her first bridegroom, but Miss Manners recommends a handwritten note saying that you have come to appreciate her and wish her well.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boss says that it is inconsiderate to the workplace to leave the top off of my 12-ounce bottle of water/tea when I am not drinking it. He has a terrible tendency to knock it over.

He also claims that when customers come in to the office and I have left it on the counter that, they too, knock it over.

I now have to unscrew every time I want to drink and hope that I don't lose the lid to screw it back on.

Could you please clarify what is the proper way to handle your water bottle in the office? I do not wish to be uncourteous, but I think he is just clumsy. Please advise.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners advises anyone with a clumsy boss to cap his water bottle. Or clumsy customers, and you never know when they might come along.

She sympathizes with you about the physical strain involved, however. Perhaps it would help if you thought of that as your daily exercise program.

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