DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband's family has a coat of arms that was granted to one of their ancestors in the 1700s. My husband had it engraved in a seal he uses when mailing something important, such as wedding invitations.

I thought of having some nice stationery printed with the coat of arms at the top, to use for formal occasions. Are there any ways or occasions where you think it is appropriate to use a coat of arms, without looking like a total parvenue?

GENTLE READER: Are you worried that people might think you sent for it in the mail?

They will if you use it casually. Not surprisingly, such things come with traditions attached.

It is indeed correct to use a coat of arms on documents as formal as a wedding invitation, but on less formal papers, such as letters (even very stern letters) and menu cards (even when serious food is served), it is considered more tasteful to use only the crest, with the shield, motto and other doo-dads -- not the technical term -- omitted. Noblesse oblige and all that.

And now Miss Manners must deliver the catch:

Wives do not use their husbands' coats of arms except on mutually issued formal invitations or announcements, and do not use even the crest when writing alone, which is the only way a letter can be written.

They may, however, use a lozenge, which, in this case, is not a cough drop but a diamond-shaped version of the shield. These are uncommon enough in the United States that they have the advantage of protecting you from seeming pretentious. Most people will simply assume that it came ready-made on your writing paper.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I went out to dinner with my boyfriend, a mutual friend and two friends of the mutual friend, it was decided that we would all split four medium pizzas. However, I had an upset stomach for the entire evening and only had a small bite of pizza. I was sitting outside getting fresh air for most of the event, and was not present when the bill came.

Later that evening, I was feeling better and ready to eat, but the leftover slices of pizza had been left at the restaurant and therefore lost.

It turns out that my boyfriend ended up covering two-fifths of the bill -- my one-fifth and his one-fifth. I paid him back my share. However, I ate almost nothing, and in fact was deprived of most of my share by a decision I had no part in (throwing away the leftovers). Please, what would have been proper conduct in that situation?

GENTLE READER: Please tell Miss Manners you are not hoping to squeeze the price of your uneaten (but bitten into) pizza from these people.

But you are, aren't you?

What would have been proper conduct in this situation would have been for you to apologize for having left the group (yes, even though you couldn't help it) and to thank the gentleman when you reimbursed him for the food that you ordered and bit. Had your queasiness not abated, you would have been thankful not to be exposed to leftover pizza.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would really like to send a card or a present, preferably both, to my husband's first wife on her second marriage. I am officially "the Other Woman" (but only if you want the Hollywood version). I know it sounds bizarre, but I have been acquainted with this woman for nearly three decades.

No, it wasn't friendly, but there were moments. I was helping to raise their/our kids and see that she was kept in the loop when it was on our side.

I could not be happier for her or sincerely wish her less than all of the best. Would it be wrong? Patronizing? Or what?

I am the sort of woman that would hug someone in the emergency room when her/his/our kid was being treated. So it would be something that I would do, except at my age I am a little gun shy about what comes naturally.

When you are number two you try harder.

GENTLE READER: Have you also come to understand that this does not always mean you will succeed?

Perhaps all of those whom you hugged in emergency rooms felt gratitude for a touch of humanity from someone who presumably was in a similar situation. But it is always possible to encounter someone who shrinks at the intrusion of a stranger at a difficult time. People are different.

While it is true that you were also in a situation with this lady, it was not exactly, Miss Manners has to point out, from a similar perspective. Perhaps she is ready to be friends; perhaps not.

This is certainly not meant to discourage you from making an overture. But it should be a careful and dignified one. No doubt you can find a card that gives greetings to a bride from the person in possession of her first bridegroom, but Miss Manners recommends a handwritten note saying that you have come to appreciate her and wish her well.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boss says that it is inconsiderate to the workplace to leave the top off of my 12-ounce bottle of water/tea when I am not drinking it. He has a terrible tendency to knock it over.

He also claims that when customers come in to the office and I have left it on the counter that, they too, knock it over.

I now have to unscrew every time I want to drink and hope that I don't lose the lid to screw it back on.

Could you please clarify what is the proper way to handle your water bottle in the office? I do not wish to be uncourteous, but I think he is just clumsy. Please advise.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners advises anyone with a clumsy boss to cap his water bottle. Or clumsy customers, and you never know when they might come along.

She sympathizes with you about the physical strain involved, however. Perhaps it would help if you thought of that as your daily exercise program.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm one of the lower-totem-pole workers in a federal agency that was recently rated one of the worst places to work in the D.C. area, in terms of its employees' morale.

Recently, some senior-level managers hosted a going-away party for one of their buddies, which included, of course, a huge personalized cake.

A colleague and I were sent into the party room after the festivities ended to retrieve food for our staff and carry it back to our break room. Heaven forbid those of us at the bottom of the pyramid might enjoy some of the party's edibles. Since the party was over, I thought nothing of cutting out a piece of the cake which was all the same color, hoping not to disrupt the pattern, even though it was nearly all gone anyway.

I was amazed when, many hours later, I was taken aside and told that our department director had received an angry phone call, repeatedly scolding me for "improper etiquette" and "rudeness," that I had "meticulously cut out the wrong part of the cake" (which, by the way, I did not eat) and taken it away without concern for others. That is hardly the case.

The thing is, our institution has been plagued by morale issues, abusive management practices and rampant favoritism --among other forms of corruption and wrongdoing. That never seemed to upset the higher-ups attending the party. I took the "wrong" piece of the cake. That upsets them.

Before I am tied up and marched off to the platform where the guillotine awaits me, I would like to ask your view on this. Merci. The people have no bread, and no, they may not have cake, either.

GENTLE READER - Wait: You work for the Federal Government, and you didn't realize that there might be consequences to destroying government property?

Worse yet, you didn't know that destroying only a small part (what did you cut off -- below where it said Eyes Only?) draws more suspicion that if you had scarfed the entire thing?

Speaking of which, why did you cut a slice if you didn't eat it? And what did you do with it? Shred it?

Now that Miss Manners has improved your morale, she hopes you will be good enough to do something for her.

Would you please mail her a copy of the government regulation that specifies the right and wrong sides of a cake?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I appear to have committed a faux pas. My fiance and I are getting married in a concert hall at 6 p.m. He's excited to don a tux, and the bridesmaids are wearing dresses of their choice (so some of them are floor length and some are shorter). I guess this means we're having a formal wedding, but we picked out colorful, modern-looking invitations. Now, people are admonishing us for choosing informal invitations for a formal event. Is there any way to respond to their criticism? Is there any way to redress our error?

GENTLE READER: Since the invitations have already gone out, it is unfortunately too late for you redo the chief part you did wrong -- the guest list.

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