DEAR MISS MANNERS: Once upon a time, brides only wore white when it was their first marriage and to signify their purity. Today, brides wear white after living with a man for some period of time and even after having children.

Am I old fashioned and out of sync with the times to believe a bride should only wear white if she is a virgin? In my opinion, other women should wear something in a tasteful color other than white.

GENTLE READER: Once upon a time was not all it is cracked up to be. Did you never see anything wrong with the idea that brides should be publicly packaged and labeled according to their purity?

All right, neither did anyone else except Miss Manners for a century and a half.

Dear Queen Victoria launched the white wedding dress fad at her marriage in 1840. White had been a usual color for young girls before they were allowed to overstimulate themselves -- and others -- by wearing exciting colors and jewels and putting up their hair. When the color of the wedding dress came to be considered a declaration that its contents were new or used, Miss Manners cannot say. She only knows how relieved she is that this has ceased -- or so she thought, until you spoke up.

Goodness knows there is plenty to criticize in that prolonged display of expensive egoism and blatant greed that is the modern wedding without resorting to such vulgarity.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I worked in the steel mill, one of the rules was "the load has the right of way." In other words, you stepped aside when approached by someone carrying equipment or materials to allow them passage.

This made a lot of sense, and I assumed that it was a rule of etiquette as well. However, if it is a rule of etiquette, it doesn't seem to be observed.

I was at a party with a buffet luncheon. As I left the buffet with my dish of food, I was pushed out of the way by another guest rushing to get in line. Such behavior seems to be more the norm these days, and I don't think it has anything to do with steel mill closures. Is there an etiquette rule governing these situations or is it pretty much a matter of anything goes?

GENTLE READER: Your steel mill sounds a lot more civilized than many buffet tables. They should both operate on that principle, but presumably steel mills don't have people barging in saying, "I'm going to get some of those lovely looking shrimp" while shoving an arm in your way, if not your plate.

Lining up and taking turns is such a pervasive rule of the society, from batting order to buffet tables, that Miss Manners knows that everyone is aware of the proper procedure. It is not the lack of etiquette rules that lets greed trample on decency; it is the lack of obedience to these rules.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family and I have recently joined a gym. My question concerns what to do in the locker room when you encounter someone you know.

If the person is naked, do you pretend not to notice them? I have found myself uncomfortable when recognizing an acquaintance either partially dressed or nude. I am very modest and prefer to use the changing rooms, but quite a few of the ladies walk around nude.

Do I wait until they speak to me first? We live in a culturally diverse area, and I didn't know if this was common practice for other cultures, and I am being puritanical.

GENTLE READER: You don't have to travel far from your gym to find subcultures that squelch whatever modesty has survived the culture at large. Boarding schools, theatrical dressing rooms, military barracks and hospital wards, not to mention the communal dressing rooms of outlet stores, are among the places that have accustomed people to same-gender undress.

Far from attempting to dislodge your modesty, Miss Manners merely urges you to preserve it by looking the other ladies straight in the eye, just as she hopes you would if they were wearing suits, hats and gloves. You will not embarrass them, any more than if you had met them on the beach. But you should stop worrying about being "puritanical," a silly insult if there ever was one.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please comment on the increasingly common practice of carrying one's own purchased coffee drink into a home at which one is a guest for a shower or other party.

Could you also comment on carrying such drinks into charity luncheons, etc.?

GENTLE READER: It is the liquid equivalent of chewing gum: fine in private, but not when out socially.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A man who I recently became happily involved with, who is wonderful in so many ways, has this awful habit of telling me explicit details about women from his past and good things they made him feel.

I am not bothered by someone I'm dating mentioning their exes. It is the way he does it -- with a tone of delight upon remembering sensual or physical or other romantic types of details about them.

I have told him that this bothers me. However, it seems to be an impulse he cannot or does not wish to control.

How can he not understand how hurtful and rude this behavior is? Also, how might I impress upon him, without sounding controlling or suspicious or insecure, that this kind of thing can damage trust in a relationship?

GENTLE READER: You can at least trust him to gossip about you.

Miss Manners notes that in your anxiety not to seem jealous (presuming that this represents that mix you describe as controlling, suspicious and insecure), you are overlooking what this says about his character. Someone who cannot control himself enough to stop bragging about his conquests to anyone, let alone to the lady whose heart he has most recently conquered -- and who has asked him to stop -- is, in a very fundamental way, decidedly not wonderful.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance and I decided early on that I would change my last name to his. The funny coincidence is that my first and middle name are the exact same as his little sister (with whom I have a good relationship).

We also receive our e-mail from the same provider, so if I were to change my e-mail address to my new married name, our e-mail addresses would be exactly the same. I also don't care for numbers or nicknames for e-mail addresses.

Being the planner that I am, I am wondering how to handle my e-mail name change, when she already has the e-mail. Can you please advise us of the proper way to handle this?

GENTLE READER: "Us"? You are not thinking, Miss Manners hopes, of suggesting to your sister-in-law that she yield her e-mail address. As in, "Move over, dear, it's my name now."

That would not be a safe way to begin your new family life. Besides, why would you want to clog up your in-box with her mail? Even after you do her the courtesy of choosing another configuration of your name for your e-mail (for example, adding your maiden name between your middle name and your surname) or another server, It is more likely that she will be the one to have the burden of receiving your mail.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the correct way to wear a signet ring? Should the initials be readable if someone shakes your hand or should it be readable to the wearer?

GENTLE READER: Considering how many people post reading matter for the general public on their clothing and their flesh, you may be surprised to hear that you are not supposed to be a walking bulletin board. The ring should face you. If others wish to know your initials, Miss Manners suggest that they read them on your briefcase.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: ?When I was a child, I had a fairly bad stutter. Fortunately, I have pretty much grown out of it, but sometimes I still stutter, most often when I'm standing in line trying to order something and feel like I'm holding everyone up. What amazes me is how often the person I'm speaking to (or trying to order coffee from) will imitate the problem. I think they're trying to show some kind of good-natured kidding, but being mocked, even in jest, makes me more anxious and more prone to stuttering.

I know the proper response is to ignore the jibe, but as I get older and crankier, I'm less patient with these morons. On the other hand, when I'm caught up in this stuttering loop, I'm not really in a position to be able to respond snappily. Is there any way out of this?

GENTLE READER: You should have no trouble with the proper response, which is to ignore the person, rather than ignoring what you call a jibe, but what Miss Manners would call a blatant insult. That is to walk away and, when you are ready, to complain to the manager.

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