DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my great nephew married a precious little blonde, they had several showers plus wedding presents from many people. The bride asked (or told) the groom to send thank you notes to his side and she would send them to her side. (Frankly, I have never heard of the bride not sending all of the thank you notes.)

The groom never sent a thank you note to anyone. There are many hurt feelings, and even after all this time, it is still being talked about. I am sure neither the bride nor her mother is aware of this.

Who do you think is at fault in this -- the groom who never was good at thank you notes, the bride for not following up to make sure it was taken care of, or the mother of the bride for not overseeing this as she did everything else? The mother of the groom cannot be faulted because she tried many times to get him to write the notes.

GENTLE READER: At first, Miss Manners thought that only extreme family loyalty could leave a question in your mind about whose fault this shocking omission was.

After all, your nephew not only failed to write the notes that were expected of him, but led his wife to believe that he had. Apparently, he still hasn't confessed.

Do you not wonder why, when the matter was first mentioned, the gentleman did not say, "I'm no good at writing letters" and offer instead to perform some task that his bride preferred to avoid?

But when Miss Manners looked at your suspects, her own suspicions arose. Is there a bit of a sniff in your declaration that you never heard of a bridegroom's writing letters?

It is, in fact, not uncommon. About two generations ago, many couples abandoned the strict allocation by gender of household tasks and started sorting them by turns or by individual preferences.

That you ignored the obvious and went so far as to suggest not just the bride but also her mother as candidates for blame is what made Miss Manners think there might be more here than the natural inclination to believe that there is no place for one's own family to marry except down.

She suspects a case of Female Fault -- the sort of reasoning that has a wife forgiving her adulterous husband and casting all blame on the nearest (to the husband) female. Indeed, generations of ladies used to be admonished that they were responsible for making the other gender behave.

If you think you might harbor such notions, Miss Manners begs you to banish them. They are neither fair nor seemly.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was a guest at a small dinner party where the host offered continuous commentary about the cost of the meal. Each time someone took a handful of unusual imported almonds, he said, "You wouldn't believe what we paid for those!"

When we expressed enjoyment of the organic chicken dish, he said, "It ought to be good -- it certainly wasn't cheap!"

A close friend of the host ventured to say, "How much do you suppose you paid per nut?" Lacking that familiarity, I was at a loss as to how to respond.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners suggests putting down your fork or your handful of nuts and saying, "I feel unworthy."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of mine is in the midst of planning his wedding and needs your help! His bride wants to require all 175 guests to wear either khaki or white.

My friend has suggested that maybe they could just require "neutral"-color attire instead, but he still feels that it's not appropriate to require any specific colors.

We feel that only a clear direction from you, if you are in agreement, of course, that it's not a good idea to mandate colors worn by wedding guests can persuade the bride to leave this request off of the invitation.

GENTLE READER: By all means, tell the bride that Miss Manners says to calm down, take a deep breath and get a grip on herself. Her wedding guests are not extras whom she has hired to fill out a show and can therefore costume as she chooses. All she can do is to inform them of the general style of the wedding (formal or informal) and hope for the best. And do, please, reassure her, that color-coordinated guests would add nothing to her wedding except, perhaps, a humorous challenge to her authority on the part of the rebellious among them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hired a tree service to remove two large trees that were very close to my house. While these workers were competent in their jobs, I was a bit taken aback when one of them asked if I had something to drink. (I recall that when I was younger and my mother had work done to our property, the workers would ask if they could take a drink of water from our outside hose, but never asked her for something to drink.)

Is this request proper? Was I supposed to have offered them something to drink in the first place?

This is not the first time this has happened. Should I have told these gentlemen to drink from the hose? What should I tell them this if it happens in the future?

GENTLE READER: It would be kinder to ensure that this does not happen in the future by offering glasses of ice water (or cold soft drinks or juice) to people who are working hard for you in the heat. But if they should ask first, you should reply graciously, "Of course," and bring it to them in whatever glasses you normally use. Miss Manners will not comment on your mother's approach, except to say that it was once common but fortunately no longer is.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do you do when a friend invites you to dinner and then serves a frozen dinner? How do you tell her that this is not appropriate? Or is it OK? This seems like a major lack of social etiquette if you ask me. I didn't say anything at the time. I ate the dinner and thanked her for inviting me.

GENTLE READER: And now you feel remorseful because you failed to insult her?

Presuming that your friend defrosted the meal before serving it to you, Miss Manners does not acknowledge that you have cause for complaint. It is bad enough that people treat their friends houses like restaurants -- failing to show up, arriving late, bringing extra people -- without their reviewing the meals.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am struggling with the invitation list to my child's confirmation. Some of the potential invitees are members of a "poli" family.

The man is married to one woman. They live with a second woman. While I have not ever inquired about their bedding arrangements, I believe she is romantically attached to the wife. There is a third woman who dates the husband but lives elsewhere.

While they are quiet about this in their work and "in public," most of their friends know of the arrangement. They are not sneaking around -- the four of them are on excellent terms with each other. However, some of my relatives would be shocked if they knew of the relationships.

My daughter is friendly with the girlfriend, as am I. She would like to invite her. My husband and I are also friendly with the husband, whom we know through different connections. While I have met the wife and the other woman and get along with them well enough, I don't know them well enough that I would invite them to this sort of event were it not for their family connections to the husband.

So, are the four of them a package deal? Can I invite the husband and his girlfriend? Just the girlfriend? The husband and wife and girlfriend? How do I introduce them to my family?

GENTLE READER: Since you admittedly do not know the bedding arrangements of this interesting assortment, you are spared the temptation of enlivening your child's confirmation by explaining their relationships to your relatives.

You can invite only the married couple, only their household, only one or both of the single ladies, or the whole group. But in any case, you introduce them by using their names. Miss Manners is sorry if this disappoints you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: People of breeding hardly need to be told that to wear an authentic "old school tie" from a school which one did not attend is the height of pretension. Similarly, in many countries, to wear orders which one has not individually been awarded is not only pretentious, but sometimes (legally) actionable.

But what about defunct orders? I have inherited a beautiful medal of the Order of St. Stanislaw, a Polish order which no longer exists. The medal is in excellent shape and could be fun to wear under the right circumstances -- "the right circumstances" not being a reception at the Polish embassy, to be sure. I have in mind a fun, dressy occasion outside of military or diplomatic circles.

Is this permissible, or would I run the risk of being labeled a parvenu?

GENTLE READER: Not a parvenu, since that has to do with showing off money or power that one has only recently acquired. Miss Manners is afraid you would only be considered an imposter for wearing a medal you did not earn.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Many times, persons trying to EXIT should have the right of way. Such as, off a bus or elevator. But at the entrance to a restroom, I always allow incoming people to have the right of way. They may have high interior priorities:

"Man coming in has the right of way!"

GENTLE READER: Indeed. There is no such rule on the books, but Miss Manners will certainly not stand in your way.

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