DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am struggling with the invitation list to my child's confirmation. Some of the potential invitees are members of a "poli" family.

The man is married to one woman. They live with a second woman. While I have not ever inquired about their bedding arrangements, I believe she is romantically attached to the wife. There is a third woman who dates the husband but lives elsewhere.

While they are quiet about this in their work and "in public," most of their friends know of the arrangement. They are not sneaking around -- the four of them are on excellent terms with each other. However, some of my relatives would be shocked if they knew of the relationships.

My daughter is friendly with the girlfriend, as am I. She would like to invite her. My husband and I are also friendly with the husband, whom we know through different connections. While I have met the wife and the other woman and get along with them well enough, I don't know them well enough that I would invite them to this sort of event were it not for their family connections to the husband.

So, are the four of them a package deal? Can I invite the husband and his girlfriend? Just the girlfriend? The husband and wife and girlfriend? How do I introduce them to my family?

GENTLE READER: Since you admittedly do not know the bedding arrangements of this interesting assortment, you are spared the temptation of enlivening your child's confirmation by explaining their relationships to your relatives.

You can invite only the married couple, only their household, only one or both of the single ladies, or the whole group. But in any case, you introduce them by using their names. Miss Manners is sorry if this disappoints you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: People of breeding hardly need to be told that to wear an authentic "old school tie" from a school which one did not attend is the height of pretension. Similarly, in many countries, to wear orders which one has not individually been awarded is not only pretentious, but sometimes (legally) actionable.

But what about defunct orders? I have inherited a beautiful medal of the Order of St. Stanislaw, a Polish order which no longer exists. The medal is in excellent shape and could be fun to wear under the right circumstances -- "the right circumstances" not being a reception at the Polish embassy, to be sure. I have in mind a fun, dressy occasion outside of military or diplomatic circles.

Is this permissible, or would I run the risk of being labeled a parvenu?

GENTLE READER: Not a parvenu, since that has to do with showing off money or power that one has only recently acquired. Miss Manners is afraid you would only be considered an imposter for wearing a medal you did not earn.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Many times, persons trying to EXIT should have the right of way. Such as, off a bus or elevator. But at the entrance to a restroom, I always allow incoming people to have the right of way. They may have high interior priorities:

"Man coming in has the right of way!"

GENTLE READER: Indeed. There is no such rule on the books, but Miss Manners will certainly not stand in your way.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is a member of an Inn of Court in London (a requirement, I ?understand, for barristers practicing in the United Kingdom). His Inn is having a garden ?party in July, and all spouses are invited.

What does one wear to a garden ?party? I vaguely remember that British garden parties have specific ?expectations with regards to ladies' dresses -- the words "pastel" and "suit" ?come to mind, as does "no flat shoes" and possibly a hat.

My husband, who was raised in a part of England where garden parties never ?entered the picture, gave me the very helpful "It'll probably be a bit of a meat market."

GENTLE READER: "Possibly a hat?"

Miss Manners will not go so far as to declare that hats are the whole point of a garden party. Flowers are nice, too, and so are strawberries and tiny sandwiches. But hats are certainly one of the garden party's chief glories.

The idea is to look like the garden, although not in the way that is effortlessly achieved if you do the actual gardening. Rather it means large hats laden with flowers, bows and such above dresses or dressmaker suits in pastel colors or floral prints.

Dramatic hats have a practical function as well. They distract attention from looking down, where a sensible lady wears sensible shoes, knowing that more fetching high-heeled ones will betray her by immediately sinking into the turf and pinning her there, far from the strawberries.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When is an invitation not an invitation? If our friends say drop by our beach house anytime, do we take that as an invitation and just go? Or if someone says let's go to the movies sometime, is that considered an invitation?

GENTLE READER: These are what we might call pre-invitations. Miss Manners would not advise banging on the beach house door some evening, screaming "Come out for a midnight swim!" or complaining, "I waited at the movie theater and you never showed up." But you have been invited to prompt an invitation ("We were thinking that next weekend might be a good time for the beach -- are you free then?") or to suggest one ("Would you be interested in going to a movie this Friday?").

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work for a multinational company. I frequently contact strangers who work for branches of our company in other countries via e-mail, seeking information for various projects. Since we haven't been formally introduced, should I use Mr./Ms., or should I use their first names, as is the custom in my office and other branches I have visited?

GENTLE READER: Don't you think that strangers in foreign countries have enough troubles with calls that confuse the time zones, without making them struggle to recall who is being so familiar with them?

Miss Manners has often wondered why it is so hard to understand that people who want you to call them by their first names will say so, while people who hate this coming from strangers are unfortunately reluctant to say so.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My question is what is the proper way to inform someone they have a spider in their hair?

At an open house at my place of business to celebrate our 20th anniversary, one of our clients had a spider in her hair. This client is an older woman, who is not in the best of health. No one was sure how to broach the subject, since we didn't want to overtly startle her or embarrass her. What should we have done?

GENTLE READER: So what did you do? Stare into her hair, waiting to see if the spider would spin her a hairnet?

Oh, yes, you did. Miss Manners admires your fortitude in not screaming "Eeeek!" or plunging your hands into the lady's hair unannounced. But leaving her with a resident spider was not a happy solution.

What you should have done was to say quietly, "I think I see something that has fallen into your hair. May I get it out for you, or would you prefer to go and take care of it?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I live in south Florida and lately have had uninvited guests who announce their arrival just days before a prolonged stay. My husband is not retired, and I work out of the home, and these "guests," although they say not to go out of our way, really do expect us to do some amount of entertaining.

They offer no help with any household chores, nor do they offer to buy us dinner or pay for a movie or any other assistance. Since they don't rent a car, we must pick them up at the airport and drive anyplace we go. After five weeks of this kind of visitor, I confess that I am burned out and want the privacy of my own home back.

My husband doesn't seem to mind so much, but that is because he works long hours and is not around them like I am.

If they could reciprocate the hospitality, it might be different, but they either cannot or choose not to invite us to spend an equal amount of time at their home up north.

Please, you always seem to have the correct words to handle this type of situation. What can we say to these people to discourage them the next time they call announcing their arrival?

GENTLE READER: "Why, what a coincidence! We were just leaving to go and visit you."

Miss Manners promises you that would stop them dead. But if you don't want to go that far, there are a number of other things you could say at any stage of this takeover: "I'm so sorry, we won't be able to have you here now" or "Why don't you rent a car at the airport, because I'm afraid I won't be able to pick you up, and that way, you'll be able to get around town during your visit" or "Sorry, I'm exhausted and I haven't done a thing about dinner tonight."

However, if you have misled Miss Manners, she may be misdirecting you. Are these people, by any chance, your husband's family? In that case, it is he to whom you should be setting limits.

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