DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have dinner parties and BBQs at our home several times a year. We usually cook most of the food, and we ?have several friends who offer to bring dishes.

?Recently, some guests have taken to stopping at the ?grocery store and picking up packaged food. We ?strongly prefer that only homemade food be served in ?our home. We realize this is considered old fashioned, ?but it is our personal preference.

I have not said ?anything to my guests for fear of appearing ?ungracious. What is the best way to handle the ?situation, short of banning guests from bringing food ?altogether?

GENTLE READER: Sorry, but there is no polite way to say, "Bring me a higher quality of food" or "You were supposed to put some actual work into this."

Mind you, Miss Manners is in total sympathy with your desire to control what you serve your guests in your own house. But she is also sympathetic with dinner guests who no longer feel that they can enjoy a night out without working for it first or that they can even travel to a party without a container of food sloshing around on their laps.

Both problems can easily be solved: You serve only home-cooked food in your home; and you make it clear that they don't have to cook or shop for you. (Some will do so anyway, but you must be equally firm when you thank them, in saying that you will enjoy that later.)

But if you still insist on not banning contributions to your dinner, you are stuck with serving them, eating them and pretending to like them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Which of the following would be the more correct to say after I perform a wedding ceremony?

1. "It is now my pleasure to introduce for the first time, Mr. and Mrs. Robert and Dr. Doris Smith."

2. "It is now my pleasure to introduce for the first time, Mr. Robert and Dr. Doris Smith."

3. "It is now my pleasure to introduce for the first time, Dr. Doris and Mr. Robert Smith."

GENTLE READER: The first is certainly the most arresting, as it sounds as if you married a threesome. But Miss Manners is afraid that she doesn't care for the others, either. With the names separated, one can't help noticing that Mr. Smith has been Mr. Smith all along (or at least since he became old enough to graduate from being Master Smith), and there is no first time about it.

Perhaps the time has come to drop this little announcement, which always struck Miss Manners as more suitable to show business than to a religious ceremony.

She supposes you could say "the Smiths" or "Dr. Smith and her husband" or "Doris and Robert Smith," but these all sound forced. And anyway, what are you going to do about the newly married Dorothy Jones and Roland Smith?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a business acquaintance who, after meeting her husband, became a vegetarian, and is now a vegan. They are so happy and in love with their world they proselytize their food choices and practically insult those who are comfortable with their own eating habits.

As annoying as this is, my concern is that they would like to host the annual company event at their home. When I entertain at home, I provide a range of food and libation so as to cover everyone's dietary restrictions.

But I know that they will serve only vegan foods, no sodas, and food that many in the larger group don't necessarily enjoy, along with lots of alcohol, which is amusing given their health concerns. They will not allow anything other than vegan foods in their home, which is their right.

Of course, knowing this upfront, I will eat before I go, and nibble on their offerings. Even so, there is a feeling among the workers that these two are incredibly rude and controlling.

They are more senior in the company, so everyone will go along. However, since the party is for the employees, it seems unfair that at a party that is meant to show appreciation, everyone will be forced to eat what the hosts like, versus the standard buffet choices.

GENTLE READER: That people who go around insulting others over their food choices are rude is beyond dispute. Whether they are "controlling," which is to say assuming illegitimate authority over others, is a more complicated question.

As you acknowledge, they may serve what they like in their own house. They may also choose the location of a party that they are giving. So if this couple is senior enough to be throwing and sponsoring the annual party, the only polite protest their prospective guests can make is to decline their invitations. If everyone expressed polite regret at being busy the night of the event, perhaps the hosts would understand that it was not working as a show of appreciation.

It is an entirely different matter if the event is actually given by the company at which they and the other prospective guests are employees. Employees may then make the point to whoever is in higher charge that the couple's house is an unsuitable venue because of its food restrictions.

This is not the time to deal with their rudeness. It should be phrased as it would be if a popular employee had wanted to host the party in a house that was too small to hold the number of people expected -- with gratitude for the offer and regret that it would not work.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently dined out with a companion who spoke rudely to one of the waitstaff, demanding that he move a neighboring (empty) table away from us, even using a curse word. I was too stunned to intervene at the moment, but, feeling badly, I approached the worker later and apologized for my companion's behavior. Should I have reacted at the moment of attack, and if so, how?

GENTLE READER: You didn't want to insult your friend, either, Miss Manners understands, richly as he deserved it. So it could have been to him that you said, "Why, Dwight, that's not like you. I hope nothing's the matter."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: This is a slightly touchy subject, but are there any circumstances under which it is appropriate to inquire as to a person's sexual orientation?

I have a friend who does this on occasion (with people she knows who are generally close friends, not strangers), and I can't help but raise at least one eyebrow at it.

Presumably there is some convention as to what questions are appropriate socially -- after all, one can generally get away with inquiry as to someone's marital status -- but it is still considered an impertinence to query someone's sexuality, is it not? Not because of any implied insult (there is none, in my book), but because of the intrusion on privacy.

On the other hand, if close friends can inquire about one's dates and prospective crushes, then why shouldn't this be fair game?

My friend didn't offend me, and most people seem to take it well, but is she being rude? Guidelines would be greatly appreciated!

GENTLE READER: You are mistaken in your assumption that friends, even close friends, are always pleased to be quizzed about their love lives:

"So -- are you seeing anyone?"

"Well, what happened on your date?"

"When are you going to dump him?"

"When are you going to realize that she's no good for you?"

Miss Manners hears differently. People who might have been glad to disclose such information to friends nevertheless resent being probed for it.

As you acknowledge, even queries about such public information as marital status are only "generally" acceptable. Those who may bristle at being asked if they are married include the unattached, the attached-but-not-yet-at-that-stage and the attached-but-never-planning-to-be-at-that-stage.

That is a lot of people. And Miss Manners forgot to add those who are pregnant. If they are married, they are insulted at the suggestion that they are not; if they are not, they are insulted at the suggestion that they should be.

And yet your friend thinks it is all right to inquire about others' sexual orientation.

But here is the guideline you requested: You may ask if you have a legitimate reason for wanting to know, and no, curiosity doesn't count. Falling in love, wanting to fix someone up, or recruiting for an organization where this is relevant could be sufficient reasons.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As retirees, my lady friend and I eat out often. Frequently, we are faced with large portions of unfinished dinner. While others ask for a "doggie bag" to take home these leftovers, we have, to the smiling face of our waitress, waiter, or even maitre d', asked for a container for our "encore dinners."

I suggest replacing one request with the other. It seems to please the staff and is more honest (after all, pets are not allowed in our condo). When others dine with us, this always ends the session with smiles.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners concurs. It is not that she thinks anyone takes the "doggie bag" euphemism for the literal truth; it is that it we are all tired of it and in need of a smile.

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