DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a single female. I am friends with a married male whose wife thinks that, fundamentally, this friendship should not exist. She says that if I were married, she would think differently. He and I work together and have become dear friends over the last year.

Is his wife right? Should we NOT be friends just because I am single and he is married?

GENTLE READER: Of course Miss Manners believes in innocent friendships between the married and the unmarried. Unfortunately, she cannot tell you which ones they are.

But her opinion hardly matters here; nor, for that matter, does yours. The issue is whether your friend can convince his wife that he is trustworthy enough to be allowed the usual adult privilege of choosing his friends for himself. You should not be friends with someone who embroils you in his marital discord or puts you in the undignified position of hiding the friendship.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate to give someone digital photos on a CD/DVD, in lieu of printed copies? I often take photos at my children's school or social events. Since many of these photos also include children other than my own, I try to share them with the parents of these children.

Before I had my digital camera, this was done by offering them printed copies. Now that I have gone digital, the images will sit in my PC for weeks, even months, before they are professionally printed.

Rather than wait to give them the images on paper, I often burn them to a CD and offer that to the interested parties. My reasoning is that they can get the images nearly immediately that way, print as many copies as they wish at whatever size they wish, and still have a version reserved for future use (and yes, all of these families have a home computer, so access is not an issue).

My husband says that this might appear to be skinflint behavior, given that the price of a CD is a fraction of the cost of a single photo print. I say it is practical for all involved.

Incidentally, when a friend returns the favor -- offering images in which I might be interested -- I have no problem with paper or digital versions. The effort is what matters to me.

GENTLE READER: Don't you want them framed? And didn't you want video instead? And are you quite satisfied with the quality of the pictures your friends give you? Wouldn't they have hired professional photographers if they weren't such cheapskates?

Just as it is unbecoming to question the value of an offering, sniffing that it was done more inexpensively than it could have been, it is unbecoming to assume that the recipients will do so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 8 years old. This morning I went to breakfast with my grandpa. For my beverage, I ordered a hot tea. After using the small plastic container to add honey to my hot tea, I dipped it in my tea to get all the honey out. Is this permissible? My grandpa says he thought Miss Manners would frown on this.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is afraid that he is right. Well, no, she wouldn't frown; she would sympathize with you, but she would agree with your grandfather. Thank him for the lesson, and then ask him to get the waiter to bring you another helping of honey.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hope you can assist me in determining the appropriate means and milieu to announce an engagement.

As of yesterday, I became "officially" engaged to my long term, live-in boyfriend. I use the term "officially" since I actually received the ring I had picked out approximately 18 months ago and we have been living together for nearly two years. A number of circumstances (including a sibling who was diagnosed and subsequently passed away from an extended illness) delayed the time between our decision to wed and the presentation of the ring.

In response to my family's numerous questions about when we would marry during that time, I responded that we had already decided to do so and were not in any hurry (which is true). However, I have been referring to him as my "fiance" since that time.

Now that I've received the ring, I am joyful. I want to share my joy with others (including former co-workers whom I consider close acquaintances and with whom I wish to share this good news, since they supported me during difficult times), but I am uncomfortable for two reasons:

??1) Since I have been referring to him as my fiance for so long, I assume that these folks might rightly wonder what the big deal is about the ring.

2) I fear that providing this information is the equivalent of soliciting congratulations. I am not comfortable being the object of attention, nor do I wish for others who are not very close friends to think that I am merely telling them as a means of bragging or of soliciting gifts. (We are not planning any sort of engagement party.)

Although a date is not set, we plan to have a small intimate wedding with only very close friends and family -- these colleagues would not be invited. With all this in mind, is it appropriate to mention my engagement or to send an informal e-mail with a photograph of us together?

GENTLE READER: Much as Miss Manners would like to help you prolong the excitement by declaring 47 stages of engagement, she is afraid that your forebodings are accurate. There are only so many times you can expect a burst of enthusiasm by announcing the same engagement.

Whatever terminology you and your fiance enjoy using is fine between you, but you actually became engaged whenever you agreed to marry. You then went public with it and, Miss Manners trusts, received everyone's good wishes. You may now go around confiding to friends that you received an engagement ring, which is, indeed, tantamount to asking for admiration, but is generally indulged.

But one is allowed only so many "Guess what!" moments.

Once you let go of the idea of "official" occasions, you will be able to revert to your normal polite consideration of who would like to know what, and to put it in a normally friendly form.

That you now have an engagement ring will be of interest only to those who are close to you, or those whose engagement rings you have admired. Relatives should be receptive to pictures of you and your fiance, as should any good friends who have not met him. As long as you think of all this as part of the normal give and take of minor news that friends and family trade, rather than as An Announcement, you should be able to spread the word without undue self-aggrandizement.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a smoker. I devote a fair amount of time to smoking as politely as I possibly can, reserving it for my own home, the homes of other smokers and the open air. What do I do when I am smoking outdoors and perfect strangers walk up to me and tell me that smoking is wrong? I can hardly reply, "That is true, but you are wearing a striped shirt and plaid shorts, which is also wrong." (Well, I suppose I could, but it hardly seems polite.) I have taken to simply giving the offender a freezing stare and inquiring if we have been introduced. When did people begin to feel empowered to walk up to total strangers and comment on their habits?

GENTLE READER: When they redefined nosiness as philanthropy, undeterred by the fact that, as in your case, such tactics never work. Miss Manners is grateful that you understand that this does not justify your critiquing them in return. It would be more effective to utter a startled, "Really? Uh-oh."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While I was a house guest, my hostess' fiance asked if I would like to play cards with them (rummy, I think). I tried to beg off, saying that I hadn't played cards since I was a child, and I really didn't know enough about it for anyone to enjoy playing with me.

He insisted, saying he'd teach me. He explained the rules, but I was slow to pick up the procedures, and he became impatient as he corrected my all too frequent errors. Several times he barked, "Think!" or "You know better than that, I told you!" Of course, I became more flustered, made even more mistakes, and it went on and on -- I felt like I was being scolded for being a dunce, and it was anything but a pleasant pastime.

Finally I said, "I'm afraid I'm not doing very well at this game, and I need to get up early tomorrow, so please excuse me." But "George" and my hostess both pressed me to play to the end of the game, saying "Oh, you have to play out the game or it will spoil it for everyone." ("Everyone" was just the three of us.)

I held my tongue, continued to play ineptly to the end, and eventually made my escape, though my own evening had certainly been spoiled.

I don't think I will be playing cards with that couple again, but was it rude of me to excuse myself before finishing the game, under the circumstances? What should one do when one is a tyro, especially when one is not able to play a game well enough for everyone to enjoy it?

GENTLE READER: Let us hope that this gentleman does not decide to insert himself into the educational system. Gang pressing people into a new activity and then insulting them for not understanding it immediately is not a good pedagogical technique.

Your attempt to escape was legitimate and your hosts were wrong to block it. But considering that you were their guest, Miss Manners commends you for submitting.

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