DEAR MISS MANNERS: Two and a half years ago, I broke off an engagement because my fiance was lying to ?my face and going behind my back with a former girlfriend. As to what he was ?doing with her, I do not know, since there were no witnesses.

He knew and ?agreed that it was inappropriate for him to do what he did, and that he ?would not want me to do likewise. It was painfully clear to me that I could ?not trust him and that I should not marry him.

I did not offer the ring back, due to the circumstances. I felt that his ?actions had broken our engagement, and I deserved to keep the ring. Was this ?wrong?

Now, two and a half years later, he asks me about the ring. He says that he doesn't ?necessarily want it back, but that he might buy it from me. I ?assume that he is ready to propose to his current girlfriend. It seems as if ?he has forgotten that I have any feelings at all.

What do you think about this? I have sold the ring. He wishes to know how much money I received. He has ?not asked me to give him the money, but does he deserve to receive it?

Also, I was the second recipient of this ring -- he had proposed to his ?previous fiancee with the very same. If he could have, he would have proposed ?to a third woman with the same ring. Is that done?

GENTLE READER: You should make up your mind whether you believe that an engagement ring is a talisman, forever sacred to the engagement it symbolized, or a form of bail to be forfeited by the one who got away.

Miss Manners prefers the former definition. You, evidently, do not, as you accepted a ring that had symbolized a previous engagement. When you ask the question of whether this multiple use of a ring "is done" (and evidently it is), you must ask yourself whether there is a difference between offering it and accepting it.

You also failed to do the decent thing when your engagement ended -- to fling it back at him in distaste. Flinging back the money is not as satisfactory, particularly at this late date, but since you no longer have the ring, it would be the only proper way left to show your contempt.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How would one respond to a high school senior ball date when asked, "Since we're just going as friends, do you still want me to buy a corsage?"

To my knowledge, a corsage is not a romantic gift, but a formal accessory. Just the same, if one would like a corsage, how can one respond to such a question when it is so obvious that the date would rather not buy a corsage. In return, one does not have to buy a boutonniere for the date.

Is the date being disrespectful for not buying a corsage?

GENTLE READER: Never mind the respect issue, an accusation of which would soon take the friendship out of this arrangement. If it will embarrass you to go corsage-less, Miss Manners suggests saying, "Well, it's customary."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were fortunate enough to spend a holiday at a lovely restaurant in Paris, where the tables are rather closer than they are stateside. The restaurant was full, except for the table next to ours, which was soon occupied by a young American couple who began to talk at top volume.

We were talking quietly when the man suddenly turned and said loudly, "You're American! Where are you from?" I quietly answered "Chicago." He crowed, "We're from L.A.!" I nodded and smiled, not wishing to converse further.

The couple proceeded to discuss the state of their finances, the state of their emotions, the state of their relationship, I don't know what all, at top volume. It made quiet conversation between my husband and me virtually impossible, so we ate our dinner in silence.

I was tempted to say something like, "I'm terribly sorry, but I can't help but overhear some rather intimate details about you, which are none of my business. You may want to discuss them more quietly." Instead, I said nothing.

Should we have said something to them? If so, what? I wish to be polite, but some situations really test ?you.

GENTLE READER: Here is Miss Manners' test:

Would you have considered admonishing these people if they were speaking French?

Perhaps not, Miss Manners is guessing, although it is within reason for patrons to complain to management -- not to one another -- if they are assaulted with conversation-killing noise. Depending on your proficiency in French, you might not have understood what was being said, or you could have found this glimpse into foreigners' lives interesting. Or you may have been afraid that your protest of mere boisterousness would be perceived as rude and insulting.

The latter should also apply to those American diners. While it is your concern that you have a pleasant meal, which is why Miss Manners would not dispute a polite request to be reseated, it is not your responsibility to police your fellow citizens abroad.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am employed as a secretary in a hospital, where my department has three divisions and each division has a secretary. I received the following e-mail from the Director of the Department:

"Subject: Administrative Assistants Week

Hey gals,

What would you guys most appreciate?"

My response indicated that I would be appreciative of any gift she deemed appropriate. Was I wrong to be unresponsive to a direct request to name my own gift? The whole thing left me feeling awkward.

GENTLE READER: Although your semantic problem is not as great as that of your director, who suffers from gender confusion, you do have one.

When you speak of a "gift," it is in the social sense, where it would indeed be unfitting to name your own. (And yes, Miss Manners applies this condemnation to the use of so-called gift registries.)

But this is a business situation, where you are supposedly being rewarded for your work. Can you really not think of any business concession you would like to have? A raise? Some extra time off? That supplementary help you've been promised? That was the time to name it.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been mildly depressed for the past year or so. I am, thankfully, now receiving counseling and medical assistance -- but I am anxious about getting back in touch with friends around the country.

During the course of my illness, I'm afraid I have treated them badly -- failing to respond to e-mails, invitations and phone calls. I have thought of them often, and missed them deeply - but been unable to reach out.

How can I get back in touch? How can I apologize for my neglect without dumping my mental-health problems on them or making them feel awkward? Rehashing why I've failed to call makes me more sad (and less likely to call). What can I do?

GENTLE READER: That there might be an advantage to living in a society where many people neglect their social duties was something Miss Manners did not suspect. But this is what will enable you to apologize without surrendering your privacy.

Not that she would countenance your adopting their standard excuse of being "terribly busy." All that says is that the people to whom it is addressed were a low priority and seem to have nothing better to do than to try keep up with you.

Just go with the rest of it -- how dreadful you feel about neglecting them, how deeply you miss them and how much you hope they will forgive you and resume the friendships.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my boyfriend proposed, I didn't say "no;" I also ?didn't say "yes." I explained that I didn't feel ready to be engaged, ?particularly as I have just started graduate school and we would ?likely not hold the wedding for several years.

I stressed that this ?didn't mean that I didn't want to marry him, and he understands my ?feelings, though he doesn't share them. We have agreed that we will ?wait to be engaged until I'm ready, and he has told me to keep the ?ring he gave me until then.

My question has to do with that ring, which is very lovely but rather ?larger and more formal than I can comfortably wear day-to-day. His ?mother helped him select it from those that had been passed onto her from his grandmother, and my boyfriend said she offered to let me ?pick a different one if I liked.

I would, however, prefer to avoid ?the symbolism of giving back his ring, and I furthermore don't like the idea of picking over his family heirlooms for those I like best.

I have always liked the idea of having a plain silver band as an ?engagement ring, and I would like to purchase such a ring to give to ?him, when the time comes. I wondered if it would be appropriate for ?me to buy myself a matching engagement ring for every-day wear at the ?same time, saving the one he gave me for formal occasions.

GENTLE READER: You don't see anything wrong with the symbolism of buying your own engagement ring? Uh-oh.

But since you are not engaged, this is not a problem. Nor, considering that circumstance, should you be hanging on to another family's ring.

Now please don't mind all this scolding. Miss Manners is using it to solve your problems.

You send back the family ring with a charming note telling the mother that you love her son dearly, and look forward to accepting this, or whichever ring she chooses, at the proper time. (The "whichever" will remind her to offer you the choice.) When the time comes, you may choose something more to your liking. But you could also confide that it is so lovely that you are afraid to wear it every day, and that if he wanted to get you something very simple for ordinary use, say a plain silver band, for example, you would proudly wear the family ring on festive occasions (which would include every time you see his mother).

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