DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been mildly depressed for the past year or so. I am, thankfully, now receiving counseling and medical assistance -- but I am anxious about getting back in touch with friends around the country.

During the course of my illness, I'm afraid I have treated them badly -- failing to respond to e-mails, invitations and phone calls. I have thought of them often, and missed them deeply - but been unable to reach out.

How can I get back in touch? How can I apologize for my neglect without dumping my mental-health problems on them or making them feel awkward? Rehashing why I've failed to call makes me more sad (and less likely to call). What can I do?

GENTLE READER: That there might be an advantage to living in a society where many people neglect their social duties was something Miss Manners did not suspect. But this is what will enable you to apologize without surrendering your privacy.

Not that she would countenance your adopting their standard excuse of being "terribly busy." All that says is that the people to whom it is addressed were a low priority and seem to have nothing better to do than to try keep up with you.

Just go with the rest of it -- how dreadful you feel about neglecting them, how deeply you miss them and how much you hope they will forgive you and resume the friendships.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my boyfriend proposed, I didn't say "no;" I also ?didn't say "yes." I explained that I didn't feel ready to be engaged, ?particularly as I have just started graduate school and we would ?likely not hold the wedding for several years.

I stressed that this ?didn't mean that I didn't want to marry him, and he understands my ?feelings, though he doesn't share them. We have agreed that we will ?wait to be engaged until I'm ready, and he has told me to keep the ?ring he gave me until then.

My question has to do with that ring, which is very lovely but rather ?larger and more formal than I can comfortably wear day-to-day. His ?mother helped him select it from those that had been passed onto her from his grandmother, and my boyfriend said she offered to let me ?pick a different one if I liked.

I would, however, prefer to avoid ?the symbolism of giving back his ring, and I furthermore don't like the idea of picking over his family heirlooms for those I like best.

I have always liked the idea of having a plain silver band as an ?engagement ring, and I would like to purchase such a ring to give to ?him, when the time comes. I wondered if it would be appropriate for ?me to buy myself a matching engagement ring for every-day wear at the ?same time, saving the one he gave me for formal occasions.

GENTLE READER: You don't see anything wrong with the symbolism of buying your own engagement ring? Uh-oh.

But since you are not engaged, this is not a problem. Nor, considering that circumstance, should you be hanging on to another family's ring.

Now please don't mind all this scolding. Miss Manners is using it to solve your problems.

You send back the family ring with a charming note telling the mother that you love her son dearly, and look forward to accepting this, or whichever ring she chooses, at the proper time. (The "whichever" will remind her to offer you the choice.) When the time comes, you may choose something more to your liking. But you could also confide that it is so lovely that you are afraid to wear it every day, and that if he wanted to get you something very simple for ordinary use, say a plain silver band, for example, you would proudly wear the family ring on festive occasions (which would include every time you see his mother).

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A spring break visit by my 14-year-old grandson was marred by his fascination with the handheld electronic toy he brought with him. It seemed at every idle moment, he'd be engrossed in some electronic competition, unwilling to respond to questions or participate in conversation. Needless to say, his grandmother and I seriously wanted to engage him in discussions about the family, his future and other topics of interest.

When pressed to quit, he'd explain, "I'm not at save point yet" and would play on for a minute or so more before he would shut down the game.

I wouldn't want to rob the boy his entertainment, but this was an insidious intrusion into our home and led to some strong words between us. Short of running it over with the family car, what sort of electronic-game policy would Miss Manners suggest in future visits with the lad? That is if he's ever willing to return.

GENTLE READER: Certainly no guest should escape -- electronically or by other means -- while his hosts are trying to entertain him. But you will have to forgive Miss Manners for noticing that that was not exactly what you were doing.

You were trying to grill him. A young person's family and future are not likely to be what you call "topics of interest" for him to discuss, unless he brought them up himself, which does not seem to be the case here. That they are topics of interest to his grandparents, Miss Manners does not doubt. But just as your visitor had an obligation to you, you had one to him.

You are not going to lure him to return -- at least not to return willingly -- by reopening the electronics-game question. What you should be doing instead is finding out from his parents what other interests he might have that you could reasonably share -- a sport, a play or film, a board game, a sightseeing excursion -- and issuing an invitation that he might find enticing.

You should also engage him in conversation about his interests, even if this means you have to listen to topics less thrilling to you than family gossip or his chances of becoming president.

If that toy appears, do not confiscate or deride it. Instead, ask him to show you how it works. That should get him talking and, with any luck, you may be able to move the conversation to other topics. In any case, retreating behind a newspaper or otherwise cutting him off would be rude -- the grown-up equivalent of what he did.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I continue to see wedding processions where the father walks on the right hand side of the bride. (Hollywood movies and weddings coordinated by wedding consultants). Etiquette books say that the correct side of the bride is the left. Will you please tell me which you believe is correct? I'm a wedding consultant, and I'm often challenged by clients on this point.

GENTLE READER: Whether the bride and bridegroom are suited to one another may be a matter of belief, but that a gentleman always gives his right arm to a lady is a matter of custom. Miss Manners believes that you could save yourself a lot of trouble by telling your clients not to get their manners from the movies. Etiquette books are more reliable, since they don't have to worry about camera angles.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Over the course of many years, because of my professional and social activities, I have been privileged to be invited to lunches and dinners at the White House, the governor's manson and other such venues. On a trip to Europe, I was a guest at a dinner at the residence of our ambassador to a major European country. Since the ambassador and his wife are friends, I immediately sent a thank you note to the ambassador's wife, as I have always been taught to do.

Several friends said that in this instance and the other official entertainments, I should have sent my thank you to the ambassador, president, governor, etc., and not to their wives.

What is your opinion and direction?

GENTLE READER: Your friends gave you an opinion; Miss Manners can direct you to what is correct. Etiquette, especially at the level of protocol, is not something you can figure out for yourself by deciding what ought to be done without knowing what is customarily done, and therefore expected.

When you are on official business, it is perfectly true that the male office holder is the person responsible for your invitation, and his wife is a private citizen. Nevertheless, she is considered the hostess, to whom the letter of thanks should be addressed.

Does it follow that when you are entertained by a female office holder, you should write to her husband? No. The lady is still considered the hostess.

Is this fair (as your friends would argue)? Is it logical? No. Should it change?

Possibly. After government has fully recognized the injustice of expecting wives to run the protocol side of such jobs for free or meager pay, they may choose not to attend official events. But if they do, treating them as presiding hostesses may be one of those anachronistic courtesies that we maintain simply because it feels rude not to do so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are both professors at a very small, private liberal arts college (about 750 students). Because of its size, we get to really know and love many students!

We get invited to many graduation parties and receptions, and always manage to get to every party and spend a few minutes conversing with and congratulating the graduate. I love finding just the right card for each student, and I personalize each one for him/her.

However, we cannot afford to give everyone a gift. A friend of mine says my husband and I should not attend the parties if we do not bring a gift. Is she right?

GENTLE READER: That there is an admission charge to parties? No. Oddly enough, guests are supposed to be invited because the hosts want the pleasure of their company.

Although the world is unfortunately full of people who grasp for more, Miss Manners doubts that this is the case here. What you and your husband have presumably already given these students is of inestimable value, and your continued interest doubtless confers a pleasure beyond that of any trinket.

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