DEAR MISS MANNERS: ?I am looking for advice because I discovered that my husband of three months had an affair. I was willing to work through the infidelity with counseling. I then learned by way of his family that he is not what he portrays himself to be and highly suggested to leave him for my safety and sanity.

With this in mind, I am filing for divorce. Coupled with all the feelings of hurt and embarrassment, I feel guilty about the time and expense my family put into my bridal shower and especially our wedding. I have all the wedding gifts. Is there a protocol about whether to return the gifts or not when a marriage dissolves within a short period of time?

GENTLE READER: There is, indeed, a letter-of-the-law protocol, and it allows you to keep everything because you did actually get married. That is the official cut-off point. Had you made your discovery in time to call off the wedding, it would have required you to return the wedding presents.

You should hear the outrage that last part provokes in no-longer-brides who feel entitled to any material advantage they can get, as compensation for their disappointment. You would then understand why Miss Manners is so grateful for your finer feelings. She encourages you to act on them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On a volunteer basis, I maintain a Web site for an organization of like-minded individuals who enjoy restoring and driving little British cars. As one of the main points of contact for e-mail inquiries about these cars, I receive several e-mails each month that I strive to answer in a timely, correct and complete fashion.

On occasion, these e-mail "threads" may extend to multiple messages. In general, these e-mails are sent by individuals I have never met and am unlikely to ever meet unless they happen to join our group as a result of their contact with us through our Web site.

The latest message I received in a recent thread requested some additional information on the original topic, and the writer also imparted the information that his response to my original reply had been delayed due to the death of his mother. As I did not have time to contact Miss Manners about the correct approach without creating some delay in my reply, I did not acknowledge his loss in my response.

Should I have offered some words of sympathy to this person in my reply, even though our only contact has been through cyberspace? I should note that this is not the type of information I would have included in correspondence of this nature, and I was somewhat at a loss as to what to do.

GENTLE READER: You could hardly be expected to write a condolence letter about a stranger to someone you have never met. The gentleman could hardly expect one, as he offered the information simply as an explanation.

All the same, a formal acknowledgment would have been nice. "Please accept my condolences," for example. You can then proceed right to business, as your correspondent did.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: In what manner should a person act, in a conversation, when the other person tunes out of the talk for a brief time because they are distracted?

I have a male friend I meet with for coffee. If an attractive woman comes by, he will stare at her and ignore our conversation for 10 or so seconds, and then resume.

If I happen to be talking at the time, I'm not sure what to do. I usually keep talking, until my friend rejoins the conversation. But I find it embarrassing. I feel awkward talking when no one is listening, and I think his behavior is rather rude.

This has happened to me only a few other times in my life, when a person is distracted when I am talking, and I never know what to do. But it mostly happens just with my friend. I work hard at being a good conversationalist and listener, trying to steer the conversation in the direction of the other person's interests. But in this situation, it doesn't seem to help.

GENTLE READER: Because you are not steering the conversation in the direction of your friend's immediate interest.

You might try that. Not ogling ladies, of course, which is a nasty habit. But asking him brightly, "Who's that? Do you know her? Should we go over and say hello?"

If he has any sense, he will retreat hastily, saying, "No, I was mistaken; I don't know her" and return his attention to you. You will probably have to do this on more than one occasion, but Miss Manners is confident that he will eventually learn that having that exchange yet again is not sufficient compensation for those fleeting glances.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm writing about a long-running friendly argument among my friends. Raymond, a superb host and our late friend, would offer a toast in honor of any new guest at his dinner table. However, that guest was never allowed to raise his or her glass and sip, since Raymond said it was in the guest's honor and one should not drink to one's self.

Others among us say that one should be allowed to drink to a toast in his or her honor. Still another friend hedges the argument by asserting that one doesn't drink to one's self, but should immediately return a toast to the host and/or hostess and may then drink.

GENTLE READER: Raymond was entirely correct: One should never drink to oneself (bridal couples, please take note), as is your friend who points out that the graceful way to catch up on the drinking is to offer a counter toast.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a colleague who consistently forgets to include "attachments" ?to e-mail messages. How do I politely reply to this person (repeatedly) and request that they resend the message with the attachment?

GENTLE READER: Yes, between those people and the ones who send attachments that can't be opened by the recipients, or attachments that take forever to open and are not worth it, we are all going mad. Yet Miss Manners urges patience and a polite reply of "Please resend attachment." Manners alone mandate this, but forgoing snapping back will protect you against counter-snaps on the inevitable day when you forget to attach an attachment.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had an intense friendship that bordered on the romantic with a younger colleague of my husband's. The two of them are friends, and I expect we'll meet him when we attend a conference next month. My husband may want to socialize with him.

The colleague and I never acted on our feelings and are not speaking anymore. (We used to have an extensive correspondence.)

I don't know what attitude to take with him when I see him again. It might be awkward to avoid him, since I would then be avoiding other people my husband wants me to meet, but I think it would pain me to pretend to be light and casual over drinks. It was right to stop talking to him, but I miss him very much. Then I think that if we're going to be running into him in the course of my husband's work in the future, I should get over the awkwardness now. What would you suggest?

GENTLE READER: That you get over the awkwardness and deal with him as you would any other colleague of your husband's.

But suggesting and trusting are two different things. Why should Miss Manners trust you to be able to do this when you make it clear that you do not trust yourself?

So she is revising her suggestion. You are required to be polite to all these people you encounter, but you not required to be equally friendly with them all. This is one person you should avoid -- excusing yourself, when left alone with him, to greet others, to powder your nose -- as much as you can without making it obvious to anyone except him. Should your husband pick up on this, you should call on the privilege of having private preferences and say, "Oh, I don't know; there's just something about him -- and there are so many others I'd rather talk to."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Whenever I go out to eat breakfast with a group, I order scrambled eggs, not because they are my favorite, but because I don't know the proper way to eat fried eggs.

At home, I would just cut up the entire egg with a knife and fork, but I have always had the feeling that I should use the fork to slice off a bite at a time. I would hate this because I like the yellow to cover all the white of the egg. Help! I am getting tired of scrambled eggs.

GENTLE READER: Just because Miss Manners won't let you use a knife on your eggs or cut up all your food at once, that doesn't mean she cruelly condemns you to a lifetime of scrambled eggs at public breakfasts.

Fried eggs are cut only with the side of the fork. You appear to like yours lightly cooked, in which case a preliminary stab at the yolks should lawfully accomplish your objective of spreading the yellow around. If they are firmer, you may use the fork to cut pie-shaped wedges containing both yellow and white. And Miss Manners hopes that this will be the most strenuous part of your day.

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