DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had an intense friendship that bordered on the romantic with a younger colleague of my husband's. The two of them are friends, and I expect we'll meet him when we attend a conference next month. My husband may want to socialize with him.

The colleague and I never acted on our feelings and are not speaking anymore. (We used to have an extensive correspondence.)

I don't know what attitude to take with him when I see him again. It might be awkward to avoid him, since I would then be avoiding other people my husband wants me to meet, but I think it would pain me to pretend to be light and casual over drinks. It was right to stop talking to him, but I miss him very much. Then I think that if we're going to be running into him in the course of my husband's work in the future, I should get over the awkwardness now. What would you suggest?

GENTLE READER: That you get over the awkwardness and deal with him as you would any other colleague of your husband's.

But suggesting and trusting are two different things. Why should Miss Manners trust you to be able to do this when you make it clear that you do not trust yourself?

So she is revising her suggestion. You are required to be polite to all these people you encounter, but you not required to be equally friendly with them all. This is one person you should avoid -- excusing yourself, when left alone with him, to greet others, to powder your nose -- as much as you can without making it obvious to anyone except him. Should your husband pick up on this, you should call on the privilege of having private preferences and say, "Oh, I don't know; there's just something about him -- and there are so many others I'd rather talk to."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Whenever I go out to eat breakfast with a group, I order scrambled eggs, not because they are my favorite, but because I don't know the proper way to eat fried eggs.

At home, I would just cut up the entire egg with a knife and fork, but I have always had the feeling that I should use the fork to slice off a bite at a time. I would hate this because I like the yellow to cover all the white of the egg. Help! I am getting tired of scrambled eggs.

GENTLE READER: Just because Miss Manners won't let you use a knife on your eggs or cut up all your food at once, that doesn't mean she cruelly condemns you to a lifetime of scrambled eggs at public breakfasts.

Fried eggs are cut only with the side of the fork. You appear to like yours lightly cooked, in which case a preliminary stab at the yolks should lawfully accomplish your objective of spreading the yellow around. If they are firmer, you may use the fork to cut pie-shaped wedges containing both yellow and white. And Miss Manners hopes that this will be the most strenuous part of your day.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: It seems that the immodest fad of stuffing every bride into the cookie cutter, strapless bridal uniform so popular now has left few with any sense of imagination and/or personal style. Most have too much to show to even carry off that look as they seemingly explode out of these boring garments, which all look even more alike when printed in most newspapers.

Sigh. Why would anyone even want to look like everyone else?

SO! What does one say to the repeated questioning from a bride-to-be concerning how much do I like her dress?

GENTLE READER: "It's lovely, dear." Repeat as often as necessary.

Mind you, Miss Manners agrees with you about those silly white ball dresses replacing dignified wedding dresses. In fact, she is even crankier about them than you, believing it to be disrespectful to appear that bare for a solemn ceremony, particularly in a house of worship. That brides prefer to dress for the party, rather than the service (when they could so easily do both with a bit of lace to be shed between the events) is a sad indication of which they consider more important.

Nevertheless, Miss Manners is holding fast to the idea that all brides are beautiful and that they should be told so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a new employee of the local university and medical center's development department, I inherited a list of donors which requires my attention to their pledges and payments as well as informing them of proposals which may interest them.

A regular donor is facing the imminent death of her husband and has asked us to remind her of her pledge schedule. How do we tactfully express our sincere concern about her husband's failing health and her role as caregiver while managing the financial (and, I realize, accurate) nature of this relationship?

It occurs to me that many of our donors and families are or will be facing ill health (we are a medical center) and that I do not wish to appear to be chasing them for their bequests. Is it possible to tactfully request their donations (hundreds of thousands, even millions of dollars are at stake) in any way to avoid hovering over the deathbed? I should have considered this possibility before accepting the position.

GENTLE READER: Indeed. For anyone else, the polite opening would be to inquire about the lady's husband. For you, as the representative of an organization that might benefit from his death, it would sound ghoulish.

Miss Manners suggests you open by identifying yourself and your organization and then saying, "You asked us to call, but if this is a bad time, please tell me." Be prepared to hear either, "Yes, it is," or "It's a terrible time, but we might as well talk now." You can then express your good wishes for her and her husband before getting down to business in a way as unrelated to his fate as possible.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: According to the etiquette books when I was much younger (I'm now 87), the proper way for passing the serving dishes at a family-style meal was from the right to the left. Just recently I have been told by some in the younger generation that the "rules" have changed and now the correct direction for passing is from the left to the right. Am I really that old-fashioned?

GENTLE READER: Or is the etiquette business really that crazy?

Do we etiquetteers have nothing better to do than to reverse perfectly good rules for the sake of confusing those few people who have bothered to learn them?

Platters are passed from right to left because most people are right handed and find it convenient to hold the plate in the left hand while using the right hand to serve themselves food. Those who are left-handed can reach over with the right hand (thus having to experience how awkward it is to have food approaching from the wrong side) and transfer the platter to the right.

Meanwhile, Miss Manners advises you not to take unauthorized advice from etiquette-imposters of whatever age.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I bought an older home one year ago. We love our house, but it needs a lot of work. We both work full time, and I am in school. Therefore, the house isn't in the shape we hoped it would be after one year.

My in-laws keep pestering us about why they haven't been invited to our home. They bring it up constantly. "Well, if we had SEEN the house by now..." "Well, since we haven't been invited over yet..."

It's gotten to the point that they've blatantly invited themselves over. "If we come to town to do X, is it all right if we just stop by?"

I was taught growing up that you never invite yourself to anything. Am I wrong? On the flip side, was it rude of me to have not invited them to our house sooner? It's been a mess and I'm embarrassed to have people see it this way.

So I finally broke down and decided to have a party with family and a few close friends. I sent out 20 or so invitations. I have received almost NO RSVPs! What's the protocol when no one RSVPs? We have a limited budget and don't want to waste a lot of money on people who don't show up. But we don't want the embarrassment of not having enough food if everyone on our list shows up.

GENTLE READER: Your complaint seems to be that some prospective guests issue their own invitations and others refuse to issue answers to your invitations. But Miss Manners has a quarrel with the parallelism.

Do you really not see the difference between banning your in-laws from your house for a year and not feeling ready to invite friends to a party?

It is little wonder that your husband's parents are hurt at never having been allowed into his and your house -- as if it mattered how fixed up the place was. Miss Manners commends them for resorting only to mild hinting.

And now you want to entertain those ill-mannered friends of yours. So you will have to do what your in-laws are doing -- stifle your annoyance at their neglect and telephone to voice the hope that you will see them.

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