DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son is 12 years old, and in most cases, very polite. He greets people with a handshake, introduces himself and makes conversation with them (although his conversation veers heavily towards video games). When they leave, he tells them it was nice to meet them.

On the other hand, whenever I have adults over, or I go out with a friend and he comes along (the latter doesn't happen often, for reasons which will become apparent), he has a tendency to dominate the conversation. He views any group of people as an audience. He even interrupts me when I am talking, though he generally doesn't do it to other people. Well, he does interrupt them, but if it's someone else he says "excuse me" first.

And I'm not just talking about him engaging in the conversation, either. I'm talking about a child who would cheerfully talk for two hours solid about whatever topic he was interested in, and not let anyone else get a word in edgewise, and never run out of breath or things to say. My friends seem to enjoy him, up to a point, but they didn't come over, or go out with me, in order to hear my son declaim for hours about "Kingdom Hearts."

I have responded to the interruptions by first warning him and then by sending him to his room (when at home) or admonishing him when not at home, however, I don't like to do that in front of others because I think it's not respectful of them, or him.

I'm a single mother, so I don't have a parental tag team partner to take up the slack. I have tried the Look you recommend, the one that says, "Just wait 'til I get you home." Unfortunately, my son is very good at pretending he doesn't see it. He also appears to think that being the center of attention is worth whatever punishment I mete out later.

I've also put him in children's theater, on the grounds that there, he is supposed to grab the spotlight. He has done very well at it, but he still tries to monopolize the conversation at home or when we are out.

What do you suggest? Is there something more subtle than just admonishing him straight out (which apparently embarrasses me far more than it does him) but that he can't conveniently ignore?

GENTLE READER: Congratulations on having a son who is articulate and observes the polite forms. Now you must get on with the essential lesson of child-rearing: the counterintuitive realization that there are other people in the world and that one must take their feelings into account.

The first such lesson is shortly after birth, when the infant makes the astonishing discovery that others who have been at his beck and call are less and less willing to get up in the middle of the night. It continues with those endless parental critiques beginning, "How you would feel if...."

The lesson your son needs is that other people like to talk, just as he does, and they grow bored if not given the chance. A certain amount of leeway is made for bright children, but he has exceeded and outgrown that.

If he expects to be admired -- or even tolerated -- he has to learn the skill of being charming. Teach him what kind of questions draw people out, and challenge him to discover interests that you didn't know your friends had.

This will serve him all this life -- and bring immediate relief to your friends.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Recently, I met a man whom I like very much. He's charming, kind, funny, has good taste and seems decently placed in society both monetarily and socially. On one of our subsequent dates, he took me to a local landmark and proceeded to kiss me in a semiprivate spot.

The issue becomes that the man is not a very good kisser.

What is the best way to go about telling this potential future mate that he does not please me when he kisses me, and the best way to remedy the situation?

I must say, I am not the most polite girl on the block; I tend to believe that honesty is the best in all situations, but I care enough about this guy that I don't want to trample his feelings. Miss Manners has far more experience with tact than I do. What is Miss Manners' take on this problem?

GENTLE READER: Isn't it enough that Miss Manners is trying to teach people to behave civilly to one another? Can't she trust those who are in love to --

Never mind. Deepest apologies. Valentine's Day is upon us, and her heart is not made of stone.

Honesty is a perfectly horrid policy if it means telling a gentleman that his kisses are unappealing. He is not likely to inflict them on you again.

What you can do is to assume a mischievous look and whisper, "May I show you how I want to kiss you?" He will then be only too happy to allow you to give instructions and demonstrate what you mean.

Now what was it that you assumed Miss Manners had more experience with than you?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the most correct way to have a discussion with or to communicate to a friend of mine (a woman) that I have a crush on her? Unfortunately, I have no prior experience with this so am completely lost as to what would be the correct manner to go about this.

GENTLE READER: A box of chocolates with a card reading "From your secret admirer"?

No, Miss Manners supposes that those days, when the lady would give each of her gentleman acquaintances a shy smile to see which one blushed, are over. Today's recipient might be just as likely to make a public joke of it or snap that someone was trying to sabotage her diet.

However, other old-fashioned ways are still workable and, in Miss Manners' opinion, preferable, to the blunt, if not crude, modern approach. These consist of subtle, nonverbal hints that could or could not be accidental -- sitting closer than necessary, looking deeply into the eyes, resting a hand lightly on the arm, and so on.

The uncertainty about whether such gestures were intentional is itself exciting. But it also has deniability. If the lady moves away from you, you can spare yourself being rejected. If she sustains these gestures, you may safely declare yourself.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work in a very professional environment, so it caught me completely off guard today when a new co-worker asked if I had a stick of lip balm. I replied, "Yes, why do you ask?" thinking that would give the hint.

But she inquired further, "Can I use it?" in front of a fellow co-worker. I wasn't sure if I should have declined and risked insulting her hygiene by not sharing or instead obliged and looked too unconcerned about my own by lending it.

I opted to share. Did I do the right thing?

This new co-worker also has some other habits that reflect poorly on her level of professionalism, such as picking at her fingernails while someone is trying to explain something to her, cutting her cuticles while sitting in a meeting with someone in their cube, etc.

Should I pull her aside privately to let her know this is not appropriate at work? (She is right out of school and this is her first professional job.) Or is this her manager's job (who is already aware of such behavior)?

GENTLE READER: Now that you and your colleague are on the same stick of lip balm, Miss Manners has a hard time saying that you are not on sufficiently intimate terms to attempt reforming her. Nevertheless, you should let the manager do it and concentrate on protecting yourself from unreasonable demands and flying cuticles.

A vague "sorry" at the start would have covered whether you actually possessed lip balm or were simply declining to share; as you discovered, bringing on the second question was not a good idea. If you are caught trying to explain work matters to this lady while she is busy grooming herself, the polite thing to do would be to offer to postpone work until she has finished her toilette.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper etiquette for serving and taking butter at a dinner table? Sometimes I am rushed to serve a family dinner and add the store-bought butter tub to the table rather than place a portion of it or a stick onto a separate butter dish.

I contend that despite the presence of a tub, a separate knife should be used to serve the butter from the tub to a plate rather than the knife at the place setting. My partner gently chides me that only when a proper butter dish is present do you use a separate knife.

GENTLE READER: If you find your partner too rigid, you are not going to soften to Miss Manners. She maintains that only when a proper butter dish is present should you be entitled to have any butter.

Yet she is not insensible to the demands of time. For goodness' sake, find a covered butter dish or tub that is presentable at the table, transfer your butter when you buy it, and store it that way in the refrigerator. Your meals will be prettier and your partner will be happier.

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