DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I stay overnight in friends' and relatives' homes, I often find three to seven decorative pillows on the bed and pillow shams on the pillows. I usually look around for a chair to put the decorative pillows on or an open shelf in the closet. If there is no chair and no open space on the closet shelf, should I put them on the floor?

Can they ever be used? Are pillow shams removed from the pillows before using them? Sometimes additional pillows with just the usual pillowcases are underneath the ones with pillow shams and sometimes not. Some pillow shams are made from stiff brocade material, and I don't think I am supposed to use the pillow with the sham on.

All of these decisions are too much for me when I am sleepy and want to go to bed. Please give me the quick course on pillow etiquette.

GENTLE READER: The first rule is that guests should be able to find the bed under the pile of pillows. Miss Manners considers it the responsibility of the host to make it possible for them to go to sleep without first redecorating the room.

However, the polite guest who encounters a puffy mountain range is obliged to stay awake, sorting things out. The rule is to sleep only on pillows protected by pillowcases, wherever they may be found, and to toss the ones in pillow shams back on the bed in the morning so that no one will be able to detect where they spent the night.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Who enters and exits an elevator first, the lady or the gentleman? (Exiting, of course, seems to be governed by the practical principal that the person nearest the door leaves first.)

I understand that the social norm of "ladies first" governs many situations like this. However, I was once informed by a well-bred Southern lady that the gentleman always enters and exits first, because doing so is a step into the unknown and, in the event of mishap, the gentleman should be the one to take the fall, so to speak.

This makes sense to me in light of the historical development of social conventions. Unfortunately, when I have acted upon this theory and entered an elevator first, I have occasionally received the icy glare of the sort usually directed at boors.

GENTLE READER: A gentleman allows a lady to precede him into an elevator. For his own safety, as well as the lady's, Miss Manners acknowledges that a fastidious gentleman might check first to see that there is actually an elevator there, and not an empty shaft.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boss's daughter was getting married. I sent her a very expensive gift, but a few days before the wedding I was fired for no reason. The daughter kept the gift rather than return it to me. Was this proper or should she have returned it?

GENTLE READER: Only if she fired the bridegroom would she be required to return it. Or if he fired her.

Whatever your motivation, Miss Manners is afraid that your offering still counts as a wedding present, not a gesture to ingratiate yourself with your boss. Thus the only rule that applies is that presents must be returned if the wedding -- not your career -- is canceled.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in my late 20s, and a lot more of my friends are becoming engaged, and something has really been bothering me.

I am an activist and really have issues with diamonds due to their origins. It is actually one of the main reasons my husband and I did away with the idea of rings altogether until we could find a jewelry company that thinks along our lines. (I have found several recently.)

I am happy for all my friends' engagements, but when they go and show me the diamond and ask my opinion on the ring (i.e., "Isn't it beautiful?"), I really want to explain my position on these stones.

I know that at parties in mixed company, it is definitely not appropriate (nobody wants an activist to spoil a wedding or engagement party), and I usually end up stammering and saying, "Very nice." This usually makes me feel very uncomfortable and hypocritical, like I am accepting these stones as being OK.

How do I get away from the constant feeling that I should let them know how I really feel about the ring, but that it has nothing to do with the actual engagement?

Most of these people know that I am actively involved in clubs like Sierra Club and Amnesty International but do not fully understand why my husband and I have no rings. Most just think it was because we eloped.

GENTLE READER: "Isn't it beautiful?" is not a question; it is a prompt to give the conventional compliment. But if you used the opportunity to state your position, what do you think would happen?

Struck by the righteousness of your stand, the new fiancee would pull off her ring in horror and fling it away.

No? Then what would you hope to accomplish?

Miss Manners assures you that people do not absorb moral lessons from those who trample on their feelings. Rather, they forever associate the unpleasantness of the spokesperson with the cause itself. So if the certainty that you would hurt your friends' feelings is not enough to satisfy you into mere murmured politeness, how about the certainty that you would hurt your cause?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In two recent instances, I've received notes from friends on personalized note cards in which the writer strikes through the embossed name at top.

Is this standard practice, i.e., does one strike out one's embossed name if one is going to sign one's signature? This strikes me as odd, since I can't imagine the reverse: where one would write a note to someone and not sign it.

GENTLE READER: Ah, but Miss Manners can. Not imagine it, that is, but recall the tradition that fastidious people continue to use. And please don't try to mash the following into something logical -- it's just the way things have long been done.

Cards with the formal name on top are called informals. (Go figure.) They may be used the way smaller personal cards are, for relatively informal, telegraphically worded invitations ("Tea Thursday at 4") and replies ("accepting with pleasure") and to accompany presents ("Best wishes to you both").

The signature is omitted, as this is not a letter and the writer's name is already there. Such cards are not properly used for letters -- brides, please note.

But they may be used for breezy notes ("Loved your speech yesterday," "See you at the beach"). If these are signed, a diagonal line is drawn through the formal name.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am married to a wonderful man who has two children from a previous marriage. I am very fond of my stepchildren, although I have noticed that their training in etiquette has been somewhat lacking. Their father is very polite, but unfortunately, their mother is not, and her behavior often sets the tone.

When my husband and I attend an event where his ex-wife is also present, she ignores us, and will go so far as to call my husband on his cell phone and ask him to go elsewhere to talk to her if there is something she needs to say rather than come anywhere near us. She behaves similarly when I am not present, and encourages the children to ignore us, too, despite the fact that my husband has equal custody and raises the children half of the time.

We are currently preparing for a bar mitzvah for one of the children. I am looking forward to the event with a mix of pleasure and dread, since I anticipate being treated rudely. My husband feels that we should just treat her as she is treating us, but I feel that for the sake of the guests and the children, that I should make an effort to be cordial. I try to say hello when she ventures close enough to speak to, but I sense that I am annoying her.

Do you have any suggestions, or should I behave as rudely to her as she is behaving toward me?

GENTLE READER: And wouldn't that be a treat for your stepson and the bar mitzvah guests?

Instead of celebrating, the grown-up guests would be murmuring that your husband seems to have married the same person twice; the teenaged guests would be looking for a way to escape, and your stepchildren -- well, let us say that they would not exactly be cheering you on.

Considering that the former wife avoids you, it should not require much effort to be civil. You need only greet her, not pausing to expect a reply, and advise your husband that a cellular telephone should never be taken to a ceremony or party.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few months ago, I donated a sum of money to a performing arts organization, for which I received a letter of thanks. When the group posted on its Web site a list of their patrons for the year, I was disappointed not to see my name included. Should I inform the group of this omission, or just let it go? If I do tell them, what would be the most polite way to do so?

GENTLE READER: There is nothing impolite about asking in a straightforward way why your name was not included. Miss Manners only hopes you get a polite answer.

That would be "Oh, we're terribly sorry, we deeply appreciate your contribution and we'll get your name there right away." But fund-raisers often prefer shaming people to thanking them, and you might be told that a "patron" gives more money than you did, and you should fork over more if you want to be recognized.

: