DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in my late 20s, and a lot more of my friends are becoming engaged, and something has really been bothering me.

I am an activist and really have issues with diamonds due to their origins. It is actually one of the main reasons my husband and I did away with the idea of rings altogether until we could find a jewelry company that thinks along our lines. (I have found several recently.)

I am happy for all my friends' engagements, but when they go and show me the diamond and ask my opinion on the ring (i.e., "Isn't it beautiful?"), I really want to explain my position on these stones.

I know that at parties in mixed company, it is definitely not appropriate (nobody wants an activist to spoil a wedding or engagement party), and I usually end up stammering and saying, "Very nice." This usually makes me feel very uncomfortable and hypocritical, like I am accepting these stones as being OK.

How do I get away from the constant feeling that I should let them know how I really feel about the ring, but that it has nothing to do with the actual engagement?

Most of these people know that I am actively involved in clubs like Sierra Club and Amnesty International but do not fully understand why my husband and I have no rings. Most just think it was because we eloped.

GENTLE READER: "Isn't it beautiful?" is not a question; it is a prompt to give the conventional compliment. But if you used the opportunity to state your position, what do you think would happen?

Struck by the righteousness of your stand, the new fiancee would pull off her ring in horror and fling it away.

No? Then what would you hope to accomplish?

Miss Manners assures you that people do not absorb moral lessons from those who trample on their feelings. Rather, they forever associate the unpleasantness of the spokesperson with the cause itself. So if the certainty that you would hurt your friends' feelings is not enough to satisfy you into mere murmured politeness, how about the certainty that you would hurt your cause?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In two recent instances, I've received notes from friends on personalized note cards in which the writer strikes through the embossed name at top.

Is this standard practice, i.e., does one strike out one's embossed name if one is going to sign one's signature? This strikes me as odd, since I can't imagine the reverse: where one would write a note to someone and not sign it.

GENTLE READER: Ah, but Miss Manners can. Not imagine it, that is, but recall the tradition that fastidious people continue to use. And please don't try to mash the following into something logical -- it's just the way things have long been done.

Cards with the formal name on top are called informals. (Go figure.) They may be used the way smaller personal cards are, for relatively informal, telegraphically worded invitations ("Tea Thursday at 4") and replies ("accepting with pleasure") and to accompany presents ("Best wishes to you both").

The signature is omitted, as this is not a letter and the writer's name is already there. Such cards are not properly used for letters -- brides, please note.

But they may be used for breezy notes ("Loved your speech yesterday," "See you at the beach"). If these are signed, a diagonal line is drawn through the formal name.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am married to a wonderful man who has two children from a previous marriage. I am very fond of my stepchildren, although I have noticed that their training in etiquette has been somewhat lacking. Their father is very polite, but unfortunately, their mother is not, and her behavior often sets the tone.

When my husband and I attend an event where his ex-wife is also present, she ignores us, and will go so far as to call my husband on his cell phone and ask him to go elsewhere to talk to her if there is something she needs to say rather than come anywhere near us. She behaves similarly when I am not present, and encourages the children to ignore us, too, despite the fact that my husband has equal custody and raises the children half of the time.

We are currently preparing for a bar mitzvah for one of the children. I am looking forward to the event with a mix of pleasure and dread, since I anticipate being treated rudely. My husband feels that we should just treat her as she is treating us, but I feel that for the sake of the guests and the children, that I should make an effort to be cordial. I try to say hello when she ventures close enough to speak to, but I sense that I am annoying her.

Do you have any suggestions, or should I behave as rudely to her as she is behaving toward me?

GENTLE READER: And wouldn't that be a treat for your stepson and the bar mitzvah guests?

Instead of celebrating, the grown-up guests would be murmuring that your husband seems to have married the same person twice; the teenaged guests would be looking for a way to escape, and your stepchildren -- well, let us say that they would not exactly be cheering you on.

Considering that the former wife avoids you, it should not require much effort to be civil. You need only greet her, not pausing to expect a reply, and advise your husband that a cellular telephone should never be taken to a ceremony or party.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few months ago, I donated a sum of money to a performing arts organization, for which I received a letter of thanks. When the group posted on its Web site a list of their patrons for the year, I was disappointed not to see my name included. Should I inform the group of this omission, or just let it go? If I do tell them, what would be the most polite way to do so?

GENTLE READER: There is nothing impolite about asking in a straightforward way why your name was not included. Miss Manners only hopes you get a polite answer.

That would be "Oh, we're terribly sorry, we deeply appreciate your contribution and we'll get your name there right away." But fund-raisers often prefer shaming people to thanking them, and you might be told that a "patron" gives more money than you did, and you should fork over more if you want to be recognized.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Although gay marriage is a contentious issue in much of the country, it has gained a great deal of support, if not legal recognition. So I was shocked when I told an acquaintance that my partner and I had been married the weekend before and, instead of congratulating me, he rudely asked, "So which one of you is the husband?"

I would expect better from this man, who professionally represents the city as a local television "personality." My stunned silence failed to register in the flurry of activity. Can you suggest a strong yet dignified response?

GENTLE READER: "We both are."

The dignity consists of treating the question as merely another of the tedious questions that newlyweds get about their courtships, married names and plans, rather than assuming that you are special targets for insult.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After getting married and moving out of state, I have lost contact with several dear friends and close relatives. Three kids later, I've just realized I sorely miss them. I have really been feeling the need to rekindle these friendships. However, I feel guilty because I've missed many important milestones in their lives. What would be the appropriate gesture?

GENTLE READER: Telling them, instead of Miss Manners, that you have missed them.

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