DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am married to a wonderful man who has two children from a previous marriage. I am very fond of my stepchildren, although I have noticed that their training in etiquette has been somewhat lacking. Their father is very polite, but unfortunately, their mother is not, and her behavior often sets the tone.

When my husband and I attend an event where his ex-wife is also present, she ignores us, and will go so far as to call my husband on his cell phone and ask him to go elsewhere to talk to her if there is something she needs to say rather than come anywhere near us. She behaves similarly when I am not present, and encourages the children to ignore us, too, despite the fact that my husband has equal custody and raises the children half of the time.

We are currently preparing for a bar mitzvah for one of the children. I am looking forward to the event with a mix of pleasure and dread, since I anticipate being treated rudely. My husband feels that we should just treat her as she is treating us, but I feel that for the sake of the guests and the children, that I should make an effort to be cordial. I try to say hello when she ventures close enough to speak to, but I sense that I am annoying her.

Do you have any suggestions, or should I behave as rudely to her as she is behaving toward me?

GENTLE READER: And wouldn't that be a treat for your stepson and the bar mitzvah guests?

Instead of celebrating, the grown-up guests would be murmuring that your husband seems to have married the same person twice; the teenaged guests would be looking for a way to escape, and your stepchildren -- well, let us say that they would not exactly be cheering you on.

Considering that the former wife avoids you, it should not require much effort to be civil. You need only greet her, not pausing to expect a reply, and advise your husband that a cellular telephone should never be taken to a ceremony or party.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few months ago, I donated a sum of money to a performing arts organization, for which I received a letter of thanks. When the group posted on its Web site a list of their patrons for the year, I was disappointed not to see my name included. Should I inform the group of this omission, or just let it go? If I do tell them, what would be the most polite way to do so?

GENTLE READER: There is nothing impolite about asking in a straightforward way why your name was not included. Miss Manners only hopes you get a polite answer.

That would be "Oh, we're terribly sorry, we deeply appreciate your contribution and we'll get your name there right away." But fund-raisers often prefer shaming people to thanking them, and you might be told that a "patron" gives more money than you did, and you should fork over more if you want to be recognized.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Although gay marriage is a contentious issue in much of the country, it has gained a great deal of support, if not legal recognition. So I was shocked when I told an acquaintance that my partner and I had been married the weekend before and, instead of congratulating me, he rudely asked, "So which one of you is the husband?"

I would expect better from this man, who professionally represents the city as a local television "personality." My stunned silence failed to register in the flurry of activity. Can you suggest a strong yet dignified response?

GENTLE READER: "We both are."

The dignity consists of treating the question as merely another of the tedious questions that newlyweds get about their courtships, married names and plans, rather than assuming that you are special targets for insult.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After getting married and moving out of state, I have lost contact with several dear friends and close relatives. Three kids later, I've just realized I sorely miss them. I have really been feeling the need to rekindle these friendships. However, I feel guilty because I've missed many important milestones in their lives. What would be the appropriate gesture?

GENTLE READER: Telling them, instead of Miss Manners, that you have missed them.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: How exactly does one respond politely to a couple (usually the wife) who earnestly inform you that they're trying to start a family?

Normally, I assume that intimate activities should not be featured as a topic of conversation in party settings, particularly if one's acquaintance with the couple is fairly recent. I'd like to discourage further comments on the issue.

A disinterested and vague "hmmm!" seems appropriate, but perhaps not supportive enough. However, coming right out and stating, "Why are you encouraging me to consider you and your husband naked?!" seems a bit much, although more suitable to my frame of mind.

Should I call attention to the fact that this is not an appropriate or comfortable topic? Should I pleasantly encourage this enthusiastic and slightly desperate wishful future parent? Should I simply and delicately change the subject?

GENTLE READER: Or you could say, "Well, then, I will ask to excuse myself. You will want to be alone."

Well, no, Miss Manners supposes not. Offering a quick good wish and changing the subject is indeed the better solution. The only decent support she knows that an acquaintance can offer in such a situation is to get out of the way -- not just of the action, but of such confidences, which come back to haunt those who made them. Should the couple be successful, they will surely want attention to be focused on the baby, not on the difficulty of acquiring one, and should they be unfortunate, they will not relish being asked for progress reports.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A year ago on Christmas, my stepbrother became engaged to his long-time girlfriend. Meeting her for the first time two days later, I was happy for them. When she asked if my young children could be in the ceremony, I tentatively agreed, depending on my husband's schedule. (He is in the Army and often deploys for long periods of time.)

I also warned her that they'd performed a similar function at my mother's commitment ceremony, and it hadn't gone too well, so perhaps she'd like to consider a little more carefully before committing to something like that.

Last summer, I received a "save the date" card, informing us of when the wedding would be, and I was quite surprised -- it's on a day that will also be my husband's and my seventh wedding anniversary. I called my family (I currently live far away), and no one had any idea that was our anniversary and therefore it had not been considered a bit.

After an initial flare of hurt that no one knew when my anniversary was, I accepted the fact that it is a symmetrical date and that probably held sway over any other considerations. My husband, however, is still highly angry, choosing to come to my defense and see this as another way I'm being slighted in favor of my stepbrother. He also says the Army sends him away from home on our special dates so often that when he has a choice he's staying home. He says he will not attend under any circumstances.

What do I do? Especially should my future sister-in-law ever bring up again using my kids in her ceremony?

GENTLE READER: You will have to issue another warning about the immaturity of your family. No one in it seems capable of subduing selfish impulses and behavior on behalf of anyone else.

Many couples would even consider that the happiest way to celebrate their own anniversary would be to witness others entering that happy state.

But do make a point of recording that event in your calendars. Surely you will want to keep these relatives' anniversary forever sacred, as you expect them to keep yours.

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