DEAR MISS MANNERS: Although gay marriage is a contentious issue in much of the country, it has gained a great deal of support, if not legal recognition. So I was shocked when I told an acquaintance that my partner and I had been married the weekend before and, instead of congratulating me, he rudely asked, "So which one of you is the husband?"

I would expect better from this man, who professionally represents the city as a local television "personality." My stunned silence failed to register in the flurry of activity. Can you suggest a strong yet dignified response?

GENTLE READER: "We both are."

The dignity consists of treating the question as merely another of the tedious questions that newlyweds get about their courtships, married names and plans, rather than assuming that you are special targets for insult.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After getting married and moving out of state, I have lost contact with several dear friends and close relatives. Three kids later, I've just realized I sorely miss them. I have really been feeling the need to rekindle these friendships. However, I feel guilty because I've missed many important milestones in their lives. What would be the appropriate gesture?

GENTLE READER: Telling them, instead of Miss Manners, that you have missed them.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: How exactly does one respond politely to a couple (usually the wife) who earnestly inform you that they're trying to start a family?

Normally, I assume that intimate activities should not be featured as a topic of conversation in party settings, particularly if one's acquaintance with the couple is fairly recent. I'd like to discourage further comments on the issue.

A disinterested and vague "hmmm!" seems appropriate, but perhaps not supportive enough. However, coming right out and stating, "Why are you encouraging me to consider you and your husband naked?!" seems a bit much, although more suitable to my frame of mind.

Should I call attention to the fact that this is not an appropriate or comfortable topic? Should I pleasantly encourage this enthusiastic and slightly desperate wishful future parent? Should I simply and delicately change the subject?

GENTLE READER: Or you could say, "Well, then, I will ask to excuse myself. You will want to be alone."

Well, no, Miss Manners supposes not. Offering a quick good wish and changing the subject is indeed the better solution. The only decent support she knows that an acquaintance can offer in such a situation is to get out of the way -- not just of the action, but of such confidences, which come back to haunt those who made them. Should the couple be successful, they will surely want attention to be focused on the baby, not on the difficulty of acquiring one, and should they be unfortunate, they will not relish being asked for progress reports.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A year ago on Christmas, my stepbrother became engaged to his long-time girlfriend. Meeting her for the first time two days later, I was happy for them. When she asked if my young children could be in the ceremony, I tentatively agreed, depending on my husband's schedule. (He is in the Army and often deploys for long periods of time.)

I also warned her that they'd performed a similar function at my mother's commitment ceremony, and it hadn't gone too well, so perhaps she'd like to consider a little more carefully before committing to something like that.

Last summer, I received a "save the date" card, informing us of when the wedding would be, and I was quite surprised -- it's on a day that will also be my husband's and my seventh wedding anniversary. I called my family (I currently live far away), and no one had any idea that was our anniversary and therefore it had not been considered a bit.

After an initial flare of hurt that no one knew when my anniversary was, I accepted the fact that it is a symmetrical date and that probably held sway over any other considerations. My husband, however, is still highly angry, choosing to come to my defense and see this as another way I'm being slighted in favor of my stepbrother. He also says the Army sends him away from home on our special dates so often that when he has a choice he's staying home. He says he will not attend under any circumstances.

What do I do? Especially should my future sister-in-law ever bring up again using my kids in her ceremony?

GENTLE READER: You will have to issue another warning about the immaturity of your family. No one in it seems capable of subduing selfish impulses and behavior on behalf of anyone else.

Many couples would even consider that the happiest way to celebrate their own anniversary would be to witness others entering that happy state.

But do make a point of recording that event in your calendars. Surely you will want to keep these relatives' anniversary forever sacred, as you expect them to keep yours.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What has become of the polite habit of RSVPing? It seems half the world totally ignores one's request. What is one to do?

GENTLE READER: Entertain the other half.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was under the impression, at a casual luncheon, that it was OK to pick up fried chicken with your fingers. I was informed that this is not proper, that it should be cut with a knife and fork.

GENTLE READER: Would you be so kind as to define for Miss Manners the meaning of the word "casual"? Considering how widespread its use is, and that it has come to be considered a highly desirable state, if not actually a virtue, why is it that no two people agree on its meaning?

If by a casual luncheon you mean friends taking their lunch break together in the cafeteria or a meeting at a fast-food court or a picnic in the park, yes, you can pick up your chicken. If you mean a meal at a slow-food restaurant or in someone's dining room (as opposed to someone's kitchen), no.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I are generally well-liked, socially acceptable folks in our small town. We are also fairly well known philanthropically, and my family has been for generations. We "suffer" from being big fish in a small pond.

My conundrum is that we are often invited to events, fund-raisers and personal get-togethers. I occasionally enjoy these gatherings, but I tend not to be easy in crowds, and, more often than not, I would rather not attend, for no other reason than I'd rather not attend. A stay-at-home night or taking myself to a movie is generally just fine by me.

How do I gracefully simply say "No" when invited to events I don't care to attend? Often, these functions are in support of worthy charities, and I always contribute to them (assuming I support the underlying mission of the charities). However, as often as not, many of the events are simply personal gatherings or parties with no agenda other than getting together.

I dislike making up excuses, and they are usually discovered to be the white lies they are. Is there a kind way, when invited to go to this or that function, to simply decline without lying?

GENTLE READER: Your excuse is that you "don't go out much." The trick is that you never tell this to anyone. To say so would be to suggest to any individual host that his party was not important enough to merit one of your exceptions.

Miss Manners assures you that you need not offer any excuse at all. As you have discovered, true ones are offensive, while false ones catch up with you. You should simply master the expression of great regret each time you decline an invitation: "Oh, I'm so sorry, how very kind of you to ask, but I'm afraid we will be unable to go. Thank you for thinking of us."

After a while, it will be other people who say, "They don't go out much." Because you are gracious and generous, they will even say it with some admiration at your self-contentment. And when you do choose to go out, your hosts will be all the more overjoyed.

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