DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a little disturbed about a new trend among some of my friends and colleagues -- a new duty for bridesmaids, especially maids and matrons of honors.

Many of my friends claim that one of the bridesmaids' duties is to write thank-you notes for the bride, as this takes a lot of responsibility off of an otherwise stressed and busy woman who has so many wedding details to attend to.

Did I miss something? I was a bridesmaid five times and never offered to do this! I am quite happy that no one offered to do so for me when I was a bride, because I find the new tradition a bit tacky. Although the bridesmaids are being thoughtful and doing something for the bride, I feel that the bride herself should take the time to write her own thank-you notes as a sign of her appreciation for the gifts. I personally do not want to receive a thank-you letter from someone other than the gift recipient.

After all, no one says the bride has to handle all of this responsibility solo. I did enlist some help -- from my groom, since he also received and benefited from the gifts. Please let me know if I am correct in being disturbed by this latest trend.

GENTLE READER: While they are at it, why don't they save the bride the trouble of writing little love notes to the bridegroom? Or take over the job of keeping him feeling loved while she is so busy?

The trend you mention -- Miss Manners prefers that you not dignify this revolting change by calling it a "tradition" -- is a steady increase in using bridesmaids as servants who needn't be paid and wedding guests as taxpayers who needn't be personally thanked. Why any of these people stand for it, Miss Manners cannot imagine.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in the process of changing my name for religious reasons. I am wondering what the proper way is to inform colleagues, friends, and family of my new name.

I do not want to interrupt them mid-sentence and say, "No, no, that is no longer my name." Rather, I would like a better way to correct them.

I am also concerned that there may be one or two people who will intentionally use my old name because of discomfort or out of wanting to be nasty. Could you give me advice for how to address such a situation, should it occur?

GENTLE READER: Changing a name in adulthood for whatever reason -- religion, marriage, divorce or to escape an outgrown or annoying nickname -- is never going to be easy. The name by which people have been thoroughly conditioned to associate with you is bound to pop up whenever they see or think of you.

Miss Manners does not deny that there may be people who misaddress you deliberately to show disapproval. But etiquette requires the presumption of good will until the contrary is proved -- and cherishes the hope that the ill-intentioned will take advantage of that cover.

So you should treat them all the same. Rather than correcting them, gently announce your name as if it must be news to them -- "I've changed my name. I'm now called...." Anyone who responds with a refusal to comply should simply be told, "Well, that's no longer my name."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in an apartment with four girls, and we had a birthday party for one of them. Each of us invited our own friends, and some of them came very early. The party was set to start at 9:30 or 10 p.m., and people arrived at 7:30 or 8!

I began to drink early, and by the time 11 p.m. rolled around, I was pretty much done for the night. I had seen a few of my friends, and they had left, so I left with a guy for a while, just to be with people I knew.

I forgot to take my phone, and apparently when I came back (an hour later), a few of my friends had stopped by. I feel awful, because I don't know which friends came by, and I haven't talked to anyone since.

I just found out that people were trying to find me that night, and I didn't even realize I was missed! I thought it would be OK to step out (because I was a bit drunk), but I wasn't there to greet my guests who I had invited!

What can I do now? I don't want to call every single person I invited and ask: "Were you at my apt party last weekend? I was gone and don't know if you came!!" Please let me know what I can do!

GENTLE READER: "I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing" is not Miss Manners' idea of an attractive excuse. Yet it is preferable to the deliberate decision to leave a party one hour after the time for which one has invited guests.

Presumably you know whom you invited to the party. Want to or not, you should call them and apologize, without whatever self-blame and self-derogatory humor you can muster.

Some will reply, "That's OK, I didn't get there anyway," in which case you can console yourself that they, too, were either drunk or rude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was having dinner at a restaurant with my husband in the city in which we moved from about five years ago and excused myself to the ladies room. On the way there, I ran into a former co-worker whom I hadn't seen since I moved.

Of course, I said hello and that it was good to see her.

She then followed me into the ladies room (she had been on her way out) and kept talking to me about the happenings at my former place of employment.

I listened politely but felt a little strange about having a somewhat long conversation in the ladies room and wasn't sure how to put an end to the conversation. It seems fairly obvious why one goes to the ladies room, but she didn't seem to get the hint. So I just kept standing there listening, until she finally said that she had to get back to her table.

Should I have said something to end the conversation sooner? If so, what?

GENTLE READER: "I'm afraid you'll have to excuse me." Granted that this person seems oblivious to the situation, Miss Manners is confident that with a little effort, she will be able to figure out why you disappeared into a booth.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Does marriage mandate that mail addressed to one be read by the other? I recently discovered that a long-term platonic correspondence I had been having with a man was made available to his wife, without my knowledge or permission. It has destroyed not only the trust but the contact, which had been a treasured one.

Am I incorrect in believing that letters sealed in envelopes are far different from e-mails? That they are, in a way, sacred, and meant solely for the eyes of the addressee? This is a source of sorrow and, indeed, betrayal to me.

GENTLE READER: Resisting the temptation to inquire what was in those letters is such a mighty effort that you will have to allow Miss Manners a moment to recover.

Thank you.

Marriage is no excuse for opening other people's mail, or even for insisting that it be shown. However, it is an excuse for blabbing. Wait -- make that sharing. It is never safe to assume that something sent or told to one spouse will be kept secret from the other.

If the wife opened your letters, the gentleman has a marital problem. If he merely felt like showing them to her, he may just have a good marriage.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have found myself wishing that we could go back to the 18th century rituals of grieving where we can wear black and people are cautious about approaching the mourner. Today is my birthday and my first wedding anniversary. However, two weeks ago to the date, my mother passed away suddenly. My family and I are still in shock for the most part and grieving.

My goal was to just quietly get through my birthday and have a quiet celebration for my anniversary with just my husband. I had thought about sharing my wishes with my friends but thought it would be rude to bring up my wishes for my birthday/anniversary.

As I was accosted this morning by celebratory well wishers, I was wishing I had been rude. Instead, I politely stated that although I appreciate their thoughts, this is a difficult time for me and that my husband and I have chosen not to celebrate at this time. I then get all the lectures about how it is still my birthday no matter what has happened and I should be celebrating.

I now have some people mad at me because I just can't get into the celebratory spirit. How should I have handled this situation to suit me and the happy well wishers?

GENTLE READER: If we were going to turn back the calendar, Miss Manners would like to go back to the days before amateur therapy was thrust on the unwary. It has been the excuse for much callousness preposterously posing as compassion.

Most, but not all, of the trappings of formal mourning are gone. If you wear only black, some people may back off (although others may assume you are going to a wedding). What you can certainly do is to say firmly, "I'm sorry and I appreciate your intentions, but I am in mourning. It will be a while before I can enjoy parties again."

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